The madness of love
by Thecricketsarecalling
Summary: Pam falls in love with Ryan...but will fate let them be together? From their first kiss, to their downfall, and finally fateful meeting again.
1. Chapter 1

Pam Beesly Howard sat up in a narrow hospital bed on the 7th floor and stared blankly out the large glass window that out looked the skyline of Manhattan. It was just before dusk and the skyscrapers that covered the large city were just starting to light up and sparkle against the red blue velvet sky. Feeling utterly ashamed, Pam stared down at her hands and fixed her eyes on her sparking diamond wedding ring. Bought at Tiffany's, and paid by Ryan's nice commission he brought in shortly before the wedding after the website was first put up. Feeling terrible, all Pam wanted to do was to crawl underneath the sheets and disappear. She wished more then anything her mother was here.

Just then a light knock came at the door. Pam's blank eyes shifted to the side before the door slowly opened. There Ryan stepped in wearing his two-thousand dollar black suit with the wine red silk shirt that was slightly opened up at the collar. Pam remembered that two months ago she had gone shopping with him and picked it out with him herself. Seeing him stand there, his 5'o clock shadow filling in even darker, she saw right away the utter heartbreak and concern in his exhausted looking eyes.

She couldn't even say anything, in fact she couldn't even look at him.

Dropping her eyes, she slowly began to bunch up the hem of the sheets with her hands. She was nervous and didn't think she could take another second of this.

"Pam?"

His voice sounded dry and strained.

Pam lifted her eyes and watched as he slowly walked over, he seemed so adult just then. His eyes staring down at her, hardly any emotion other then pity showing. Gulping, Pam sat there before Ryan came over and gently touched the side of her face with his hand.

That's when she broke down.

"Shhhh, it's all right."

Ryan sat down on the edge of the hospital bed and gathered her up in his arms. Smelling his strong cologne, a scent Pam had now directed as comfort whenever she smelled it, buried her face deep in his shirt and let everything go. Sobbing, she just wanted to wake up. Hitching her chest in and out, warm tears gushed out of her eyes as she clutched onto her husband and every single second of grief and heartbreak all came out. Ryan meanwhile held her tight, as tight as he could. His arms were firmly around her, gently stroking the back of her beautiful red hair.

Pam had another miscarriage.

The two had been trying for nearly a year now.

At first it was Pam who wanted a baby. Now living in New York, both of their life's had changed since Ryan got promoted. At first Pam was uneasy about such a change, but seeing really no future in Scranton. By then Ryan and her were engaged and so much in her life had changed. Knowing she loved him and would follow him anywhere, she took a chance and decided to go with him. At first it took a while to settle in. Pam felt lonely, and homesick, but within time after adjusting to the city and their beautiful wedding that first autumn, she knew this is where she belonged…with him.

After the wedding things began to settle down. Ryan was working all the time, and Pam had just begun taking art classes. It wasn't until one night she brought up the topic of children while sitting up in bed with Ryan. Reading an art gallery book, she wore her glasses and had her hair tied up in a messy ponytail. Ryan meanwhile sat beside her with his laptop checking yesterday's reports. Sitting in their new apartment, which they had just moved into less then a month ago from their one bedroom place they were renting, Pam lazily smiled before mentioning how adorable their kids would be. Raising an eyebrow, Ryan looked over.

That's when they began talking about it.

At first Ryan made plenty of good points. They had really just moved here and between work and settling down after the wedding he didn't want to rush into things. Gathering her up in his arms after he put his laptop away, he began kissing her up and down the neck telling her he wanted some time just for the two of them anyways. Smiling, Pam agreed, yet the thought of having a baby never left her mind.

Months past and Ryan's career really started to look up. Things were going great and Pam was finally beginning to like the city and what it had to offer. Just a month before hand she was able to show a few sketches she had drawn in a showing downtown. Ryan of course invited all of his new work friends and gushed over how talented his wife was.

Taking more classes, Pam found herself smiling whenever she watched mother go by pushing their strollers in Central Park. Taking to her mother every Sunday over the phone, she told her about the feelings she had been having lately and her mother informed her it was perfect normal. She told Pam it was just her natural instincts kicking in. She had just turned thirty and now happily married she wanted to be a mother. Pam tried to push these feelings aside and listen to Ryan, yet she couldn't help but slow down whenever she was shopping and happened to pass a window featuring nursery items. Feeling her heart swell, Pam really knew she couldn't wait to start having kids.

But Ryan and her enjoyed that year together. They went to plenty of company parties and even visited Scranton a few times. Once Pam went along with him for a routine check up at the old branch, and she couldn't believe how much things had stayed the same. Michael of course welcomed them with a huge hug, and Jim awkwardly said hello before burying his head down with his work.

They took a few trips to update New York, and even went to a few clubs. Even though it wasn't Pam's scene, she still enjoyed dancing with Ryan and laughing at how completely different he acted on the dance floor and how much emery he had. Both went shopping and stopped at deli's and gallery's on Sundays, and nearly every night after Ryan came home from the gym they would make love for hours. That was one thing many didn't know about Ryan, he was beyond romantic when he wanted to be, and amazing in bed.

Finally one evening, while the two sipped wine and watched CNN, Ryan glanced over on their leather sofa across at his wife who was silently sketching in her notepad.

"Okay, let's have a baby."

Pam's head shot up like a bullet, she couldn't believe what he just said.

"Really?"

Ryan smiled.

"Really."

Throwing the notepad to the side, Pam nearly attacked Ryan on the sofa, covering him with kisses and thanking him. All Ryan could do was lay back and laugh.

At first they thought it would be easy, just have a ton of sex. Pam went off the pill and every night they would go at it for hours. It was all fun, and both enjoyed it, thinking it would be easy…yet no baby came.

They kept trying that way before Pam casually mentioned going to the doctor's. Going, she told him that she was indeed trying to get pregnant with her husband . The doctor gave her advice, and vitamin, and wished her the best of luck.

Yet still, no baby.

Finally Ryan decided to go with her on her second doctor's visit. Taking the afternoon off from work, Pam couldn't help but notice how nervous he was acting. Sitting in the waiting room, she saw his hands were slightly shaking. Once inside the doctor yet again mentioned a few things that would help them and even said he would run tests if Pam wasn't pregnant by the end of the new year. So for months they tried different positions, whenever she was ovulating Ryan would get a text and always as embarrassed as he was excuse himself from work, hurrying back to the apartment. Both would try all the different things they looked up in the books and internet…yet still no baby.

Finally they went to the doctor's and got tests done. In the end the doctor said both Ryan and Pam were perfectly healthy and everything seemed fine…expect that Ryan had a slightly lower sperm count. That night Ryan truly broke down for the first time in front of her. Laying in bed, she heard him crying. Gently touching his bare shoulder, she suddenly felt afraid.

"Ryan?"

"It's my fault."

"What?"

"You not getting pregnant, It's me. I just can't do it."

"Don't be stupid Ryan, the doctor said it was perfect normal. There are ways to bring it back up…it will happen, it just takes time."

"Did you know David Wallace's wife is pregnant again."

Pam just laid there as her heart sank a little.

"Oh…"

She softly said.

"Yeah…again."

Both didn't say anything for a while before Pam snuggled in closer, wrapping her arms around her husband and kissing his back.

"We'll have a baby, Ryan…don't worry."

So Pam began drinking herbal teas and mixes. Ryan who had started smoking about a year ago to calm his nerves quit completely. After making love Pam would lay completely flat on her back for at least an hour while Ryan nervously watched her and always excused himself to look over some papers in his office. Both quit drinking coffee, and began eating better. Taking her temperature every day, Pam would constantly looking up different ways to make it easier on the two of them. She knew how badly they wanted this, since after almost seven months into it she sat down with Ryan and honestly asked him if he really wanted a baby. That's when he stared at her with those intense eyes and told her he wanted this more then anything now.

So they kept trying.

Pam got pregnant the first time after nearly seven months of trying non-stop. Pam remembered staring at the pregnancy test in disbelief and how she had suspired Ryan when he walked through the door that evening. Both hadn't been so happy since their wedding day.

But a week later Pam lost it.

It was though for the two of them, but the doctor tried to keep their hopes up. He told them it was a good sign. If they got pregnant once, they could do it again. Pushing forward, they kept trying.

By then Pam had stopped taking her art classes, which her mother frowned upon. She worried these two kids were working themselves too hard on this, and if anything happened again she really didn't know if they could take it.

Pam got pregnant a month later again.

This time she lost in nearly a month into it. Ryan was woken one night by screams in the bathroom. Pam stood there with blood dripping on the white tile floor and crying. After visiting the ER that night, the doctor said things like that sometimes happened.

Pam sensed Ryan was getting depressed.

But then Pam got pregnant again. This time…it somehow felt right. Holding the plastic test, Pam couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. Going into Ryan's office, she set the test down and waited for his reaction. Right away his big blue eyes drifted up at her as she smiled down at him.

"It's positive."

Ryan looked uneasy as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Pam…these tests aren't always right."

"That's why I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow to confirm it."

Ryan stared at her with worried eyes before slowly smiling.

"Well, that's great."

Pam looked down at him, knowing he was so worried and terrified something might happen he couldn't even be excited. A week later both finally let reality set in…they were having a baby. Ryan was extremely careful with Pam and begged her to stay off her feet. The thought of spending nearly nine months on bed rest didn't exactly thrill Pam, but knowing this might be the only way to finally have a baby she agreed.

Ryan also made her promise not to tell anyone. The first pregnancy both were so excited they nearly told everyone they knew within just a few days. Since the miscarriage both couldn't take the pity glances and stares they received by nearly everyone. The thing that got Ryan the most was that the news of the miscarriage got back to Scranton.

The only people that knew about the baby were Ryan's mother and Pam's parents. Both decided to wait until everything was in the clear before they broke the news.

Things seemed to really be going great, the first month past and Pam began getting morning sickness. The doctor checked her out again and everything seemed perfectly normal. It wasn't until this morning that Ryan got up nearly at five to attend a business meeting uptown. Before leaving he gently brushed back Pam's hair from her sleeping face and kissed her. He wasn't gone more then a few hours when he received a call from one of their neighbors in the apartment building. It seemed that Pam had woken up around eight to have breakfast when she started getting cramps. When she started bleeding she nearly collapsed in the kitchen before calling an ambulance. The second he got the call he raced out of the meeting, in total panic he flagged a cab.

Shaking all over he told the cabbie to get to the hospital as fast as he could. Once arriving, Ryan threw him a hundred dollar bill without looking and ran into the lobby. Nearly running into a nurse he asked where Pam Howard was being held. That's when the doctor came out shaking his head.

She had lost the baby.

Ryan felt numb all over and excused himself to the bathroom.

Now holding her in his arms as she cried, Ryan sat there feeling completely helpless. The doctor's said Pam was perfectly fine and they didn't understand why she had been having so much trouble. Ryan knew Pam wanted this baby more then anything, and thinking about her laying on their kitchen floor all alone in a puddle of blood broke his heart.

Kissing the top of her head, Ryan promised her all the same things he had been promising since they first fell in love. But the truth was…he was terrified.

An hour later after she was sedated, Ryan went back into the men's room and leaned up against the cool metal of the stalls. His hands shaking, he decided to wait to call Pam's parents. Right now he needed to forget. Reaching into his wallet, he took the small baggy out and began to make lines.


	2. Chapter 2

**December 24****th**** 2006**

"**Roy? Aren't we going yet?"**

**Pam patiently waited beside Roy as Darryl as they started their fifth round of drinks at Poor Richard's. It was nearly one in the morning and she now regretted not taking Jim's offer to drive her home nearly an hour before hand. The place was open for another hour or so and still there were people sitting around, drunk as skunks and slurring the lyrics to some very famous Christmas carols. The bartender himself looked happily buzzed as he poured another round of shots on the house. **

**Pam waited, her pink winter coat on and her box in which Jim's teapot sat in under her arm. She was tired now and didn't enjoy the thought of waking up at nine hangover and exhausted before visiting her parents for breakfast. She hated whenever Roy started like this. Before Jim left, Pam thanked him again for the gift before she very casually asked what his plans were for tomorrow. Shrugging, Jim said he was going over his brother's and then having dinner with Katy. Hearing this made her heart sink slightly before she smiled and hugged him goodbye before wishing a happy holiday.**

**The only people remaining from the party were Ryan and Meredith. Both were sitting at the opposite end of the bar. Meredith was shamelessly flirting with a middle aged man who sat beside her, and from the looks of it seemed just as far gone as her. Ryan meanwhile silently finished his mug of beer and watched the replays of the basketball game on the TV hanging above the bar. Just a few minutes ago Kelly had left along with Kevin. **

"**Roy?"**

"**Jesus Pam! Why do you always have to nag like this! I said in a minute!"**

**Roy snapped, making a few heads at the bar turn. Feeling beyond embarrassed Pam felt all the color inside her fill her face before she had the worst overwhelming feeling to cry. Standing there slightly stunned she opened her mouth to say something and no words came out.**

**Roy turned back to Darryl who looked unbothered and mumbled something about Pam being a ball and chain. Seconds later they were back to whatever they were talking about and drinking. Not being able to stand this a second longer Pam turned around and stormed out. **

**Going through the front door, Pam controlled her tears before the freezing cold air hit her face. Standing there, Pam felt a horrible tugging on her heart before she sniffled in and decided to just drive herself. Roy could get ride with Darryl if he wanted to. Digging into her purse for her car keys, Pam's shoes crunched on the ice that had frozen over the parking-lot and felt herself feel completely alone.**

**That's when she lost her grip and her box fell out of her arms and crashed to the ground.**

"**No!"**

**She cried out before quickly kneeling down. Slowly opening the box she saw the tea pot was completely ruined. Pieces of it laid everywhere in the box along with Jim's yearbook photo and a few other inside jokes they collected through the years. Staring at her broken gift she couldn't believe it. That's when she finally decided not to care anymore and began to cry.**

"**Pam?"**

**Turning her head, her eyes filled with tears she saw Ryan in his overcoat standing behind her, his hands stuffed in his pockets. His eyes seemed worried. **

"**My teapot broke!"**

**Pam cried, not even caring Ryan, a almost complete stranger she had been working with this past year saw her like this. Frowning, he slowly walked over before squatting down beside her. Both looked down at the broken pieces before Ryan smiled.**

"**Why are you crying…we can fix this."**

"**No you can't!"**

**Pam helplessly said, wiping her eyes. **

"**Yeah, sure we can. Just a little super glue and patience and it will look brand new."**

**Pam sniffled in, feeling terrible and cold.**

"**You can't glue together a tea pot Ryan."**

"**True…might not be the safest thing in the world, but it wouldn't hurt to try."**

**Pam stared at him as though he was crazy. Ever since he started working at the office last spring both barley said no more then fifteen words to each other a time. Pam felt guilty about this, she even referred to him as the 'temp" more then once, and even joked at this expense about starting the fire this past fall. Now here he was being so sweet to her as she cried in the freezing cold parking-lot over a broken tea pot. **

**Pam shook her head, wiping her nose again with the back of her hand.**

"**Yeah, but I better just take it home, maybe I'll look at it in the morning."**

**Pam began reaching into the box, trying to sort out the broken pieces from the things Jim left in there for her. That's when a sharp piece sliced her hand.**

"**Ah!"**

"**What?"**

**Ryan's big blue eyes looked at her concerned. Pam lifted her hand, which revealed a tiny little cut. The blood dribbled down her hand. Rolling her eyes she sighed.**

"**Great, perfect finish to a perfect night."**

**Ryan leaned forward.**

"**Let me see…"**

**Ryan looked over her hand, his own gently touching her wrist as he studied the small cut as if he was a doctor. Pam fight away felt funny, a dizzy kind of butterfly feeling. She had never been this up close with him before. **

"**Say, I'll trade you my gift for yours."**

**Pam smiled, suddenly everything slowly began slipping away, most of all the overwhelming feeling of dread and worry. Feelings she never got on Christmas eve has a child. Staring at him she shook her head.**

"**I can't believe Kelly didn't trade with you."**

**Ryan's eyes still looked over Pam's cut.**

"**Yeah well, that's what you get when you have Ryan in charge of a good old fashion Christmas party."**

"**Bummed you didn't get the I-pod?"**

**Ryan smiled at her, right away Pam couldn't help but notice how cute it was.**

"**Sadly yes, but then again maybe it was better that way…Michael might have thought I owe him a favor or something after that."**

"**Or something."**

**Pam joked. Ryan grinned again as they softly laughed.**

"**Hey, I can't help he thinks I'm the hottest in the office."**

**Pam laughed again.**

"**Well Michael does have great taste."**

**Both laughed again before Ryan slowly brought Pam's cut hand up to his face.**

"**You should really wash this out."**

**Pam stared at him, for some strange reason her heart was pounding in her chest as they both faced each other in the parking-lot. **

"**Yeah…"**

**Pam barley said above a whisper. That's when Ryan slowly brought her hand over to his lips and very gently kissed it. This was a sweet gesture, something mothers did whenever their child was hurt. Looking at Ryan, she felt as though she was on pins and needles. Smiling, Pam leaned closer.**

"**I think we're both drunk…"**

**Before she could say another word both very gently kissed. Their lips both slightly parting before they opened their eyes. Pam couldn't help but smile. Slowly both stood up. Ryan helped Pam hold the box with the broken tea pot. Both stared at each other, almost in shock. **

**That's when it started snowing. **


	3. Chapter 3

**January **

"**Pam what is your problem!"**

**Pam shoved Roy away, her eyes outraged. **

"**Next time you decide to announce to a whole crowd about my future I like to first know about it!"**

**Roy smelled strong of liquor, he blinked his bloodshot eyes before shaking his head.**

"**I don't get you Pam! We've pushed this engagement for three years! Three years Pam! What's the excuse this time?!"**

"**You bastard!"**

**Pam stepped away, she held back everything inside from crying. Instead she stared at him. The boat was making it's final trip around the lake. Both stood out on the outside deck as everyone happily got drunk inside. Faintly they could hear music. Freezing, Pam felt her cheeks starting to go numb. **

"**It's Halpert isn't it? That fucking little shit!"**

"**Roy it's nobody! It's just you! I don't love you!"**

**Roy stood back stunned.**

"**What?"**

**Pam just stood there shaking her head. Slowly she slipped the ring off and handed it to him.**

"**I'm sorry, this was a mistake."**

**Roy's mouth opened but no words came. Instead he took the ring and just stared at it before looking back up at Pam.**

"**But Pam…"**

**Before he could say another word Pam quickly turned her back and began walking to the other side of the boat. She knew if she stayed a second longer she would break down. Behind her she heard Roy throw the half empty beer bottle he had in his free hand and begin to yell. Ignoring it, Pam took a deep breath and went out of sight. **

**That's when she heard wrenching. Stopping dead in her tracks, Pam took a second before finding the noise. It was Ryan, bend over the railing and throwing up. Frowning, she knew how stupid Michael had been forcing him to come along. She had noticed him a few times that night hiding out alone and trying to study for his big test coming up. Feeling her heart thump a little harder she took another deep breath and walked over.**

**Gently she touched the back of his coat.**

"**You okay?"**

**Ryan wiped the back of his mouth before spitting. Standing up he looked terrible, his face was deathly pale and dark circles were under his tired looking eyes.**

"**Not really…I've never liked boats."**

"**Come on, let's get you to sit down."**

**Leading him over to a bench, the two sat together and Pam hooked her arm into his. Both sat close and Pam noticed they were almost snuggling for body warmth. Feeling both of them shake underneath their heavy winter coats, Pam watched their breath puff out in tiny little clouds before clearing her throat. **

"**Roy and I are done."**

**Ryan looked at her, his eyes shocked.**

"**What?"**

**Pam showed him her now bare fingers. **

"**I guess I decided to listen to you. I finally realized I wasn't in love with him…in fact I really don't know if I ever was."**

"**Then why were you with him?"**

**Pam shrugged. **

"**We were together since high school, neighbors…just seemed right. But as more time went on I started to see how unhappy I was."**

"**Are you okay?"**

**Pam shrugged before nodding.**

"**Yeah…I think so."**

"**How did he take it?"**

"**He's drunk, he'll do something stupid and then leave me some sobbed filled message in the morning, same as always."**

"**I'm sorry you had to do that alone."**

**Pam shook her head, her hands were freezing.**

"**No, it's okay…really. I think if there was anything I had to do…it was that."**

**Ryan smiled at her.**

**It had been nearly three weeks since the two of them kissed in the parking-lot of Poor Richard's a few days before Christmas. Both ended up breaking away embarrassed and slightly out of breath. Avoiding eye contact both mumbled something and went to their own cars. The next morning Pam gave Roy the cold shoulder until they were driving up to see her parents. Yet the entire time Pam couldn't help but think about Ryan.**

**The kiss was…perfect. **

**While Roy and her father watched football in the den downstairs, Pam helped her mother out in the kitchen before softly whispering to her what had happened.**

**Pam's mother looked very interested.**

"**Really? I never hear you talk about this Ryan…what's he like?"**

**Pam remembered standing by the counter and drawing a blank.**

"**He's…well he's a temp, few years younger then me. Nice…big blue eyes, dark hair, same height as me almost…friendly…"**

"**How was it?"**

"**How was what?"**

"**The kiss?"**

**Pam blushed before slightly smiling, replaying it in her head for what seemed like the millionth time. **

"**It was…nice."**

**Both her and her mother talked up until dinner was ready. Pam's mom asked how things were going with Jim and Pam really couldn't say. She liked Jim, and never got along with anyone else like him…yet Ryan was different. Before leaving, Pam's mother took her aside and told her to follow her heart. Whatever choice she made she would support it. She just wanted her daughter to be happy.**

**That night Pam faked a headache and had Roy drive back to his place. Spending Christmas night alone, Pam curled up in front of the TV with a warm cup of tea and kept thinking of him. Smiling she couldn't believe what she was feeling. Sitting there she wondered what he was doing at that exact moment.**

**The next Monday he came in a few minutes after Jim and Kevin. He caught Pam's eye for just a second before smiling. Both seemed a little embarrassed and flushed. Heading to his desk in the back, Pam watched him for afar never noticing Jim was watching her. **

**They avoided each other nicely before walking into each other a few days later alone in the kitchen. Ryan's eyes looked off to the side for a second, Pam smiled before looking down.**

"**Hey Pam…"**

"**Hey Ryan."**

"**Good holiday?"**

"**Yeah it was okay, you?"**

"**Good, spend some time up with my brother skiing." **

"**Oh cool, I've tried that before…I'm terrible."**

**Ryan nervously laughed before both locked eyes. Staring at each other for a second Ryan looked down and cleared his throat.**

"**Listen Pam I wanted to tell you about that night…"**

"**Oh it's okay…we were drunk…"**

**Ryan lifted his eyes, she couldn't believe how blue they were.**

"**Well, what I was going to say was…I hoped you got that teapot fixed."**

"**Oh…sorry. Ummm, yeah not yet…still need to buy the glue…"**

"**Cool…tell me how that works out."**

"**Sure…"**

**Pam wanted to die. Just then Ryan reached into the fridge and got his string cheese.**

"**Listen…would you like to have lunch with me?"**

**Pam looked up, caught off guard.**

"**What?"**

"**Lunch, if you don't have plans do you want to have lunch with me?"**

"**Ummm, sure…"**

**That afternoon, both walked by Jim as they got their coats. Suspired, Jim watched before asking where she was going. **

**Pam turned, slightly embarrassed. **

"**Oh…Ryan and me are just grabbing something quick to eat."**

"**Oh…"**

**Pam bit her bottom lip before looking at Ryan. Without saying another word both left. Pam was glad Roy was taking lunch with the guys downstairs. Getting into his car, in which the back was filled with business school books, both softly listened to Indie music and talked mostly about nothing, laughing and making comments about work before arriving at the pizza place Ryan mentioned. There the two of them shared a booth really talking about nothing. They both found it funny that even after a year both hardly knew each other. They asked questions and filled each other in on their life's. Pam talked about her drawings and how one day she hoped she could go to art school in New York. Ryan talked about his boring life here and then college. He told her he hoped after school he would be able to somehow own his own business. **

**Both joked about the office and mostly Michael. They cracked up talking about the Dundies, and the fire. Both began getting very relaxed and even lost track of time. Getting back as fast as they could, both came in laughing as Jim watched.**

**Before leaving that day Jim slipped on his coat before casually asking how lunch was.**

"**It was good."**

"**Oh…didn't know Ryan and you were friends."**

**Pam smiled getting her purse.**

"**Yeah I didn't know either."**

**Jim watched her as she walked out. **

**Both began enjoying seeing each other around the office. In fact just a week ago Ryan even brought Pam in a hot tea while making a coffee run. Both began taking their breaks together while Jim watched from afar, his hands stuffed back in his pockets and always giving the cameras odd and funny looks. At one point during an interview right after he caught the two laughing near the copy machine he shrugged and looked at he camera.**

"**So I guess Ryan and Pam are friends now."**

**Jim also watched whenever Ryan now seemed to always be hanging out by Pam's desk. **

**The nights Roy worked late, he even walked her to her car. **

**Just last week both had a serious talk. It was right when Ryan walked her to her car after Roy and her yet again had another fight.**

"**Why are you with him?"**

**Pam seemed stunned he even asked.**

"**What?"**

"**Why? You're unhappy."**

**Standing there, Pam couldn't think of anything to say. Looking at his eyes, Pam suddenly knew something that shocked her.**

**She was in love with Ryan. **

**So now here they were on the booze cruise, sitting on the freezing deck and watching Dwight further up pretend to steer the boat. That's when Pam felt Ryan's hand slip into hers. Looking at him she smiled before he stared up at the night sky.**

"**Wow, there's a million stars out there."**

**Looking, Pam smiled.**

"**There sure are."**


	4. Chapter 4

Jim and Pam stood in the staff kitchen nearly three weeks after the booze cruise. Ever since word spread of Pam calling off the engagement, Jim had been acting funny and constantly looked as though he had something important to say to her. Pam meanwhile was taking one terrifying step forward and for the first time in years felt free. The night of the booze cruise, they docked and Ryan helped Pam to her car before Roy reached her. That night Pam crashed at her parents and had to listen to one drunken message after another after another. Being supportive, Pam's mother was happy that she didn't wake up to the fact she made a mistake after she married Roy. Taking that Friday off, Pam and her father went back to her apartment and packed her things. When Roy tried talking to her, Pam's father got between them and told Roy in a stern voice that enough was enough. Locking eyes with him for just a brief moment both locked eyes. That's when Pam knew, she would never be a fool about love ever again. By Monday everyone knew what happened.

Jim was the first to talk to her, pulling her aside he asked what happened. Pam couldn't help but think back the pervious when Ryan had called her cell. His voice sounded worried and he asked if she was okay. Going to her parent's house at nearly nine at night, he took her for a drive and got some coffee with her. The two talked for a few hours, mostly Pam venting about how all this time she was unhappy yet was too scared to do anything about it. Ryan listened, sitting beside her sipping his coffee and offering any help if she needed any. At the end of the night he walked her back to her parent's front door and winked at her, telling her not to worry.

"Don't worry Pam, he won't bother you."

Pam stood there, their breath coming out in tiny clouds. Right then, as she stared at his big blue eyes she wondered what it would be like just to kiss him. To press her lips against his soft ones and run her fingers through his dark black hair.

"Yeah…I hope so."

She said in a shaken voice.

Ryan then reached out and touched her arm.

"And don't worry about what people are going to say, if I can get over nearly burning down the place…you can get over this."

Pam laughed before he wished her a good night. Laying in bed later on, all Pam could think about was seeing him in the morning.

Pam really didn't want to go into detail, but humored Jim since he was her friend. The entire time she watched Ryan as he sat silently at his desk in the back and typed away on his computer. Michael of course nearly jumped out of his office asking Pam if she was okay. A few hours later, mostly sitting at her desk and spacing out, Pam decided to take an early lunch. She saw Jim nearly leap out of his chair when she got up, but instead she walked over to Ryan's desk.

"Hey Ryan…would you like to grab lunch with me?"

Ryan looked up, a cute sparkle in his eye before he pulled his chair back.

"Sure, let me get my coat."

Jim meanwhile watched like a hawk as the two left together. On their way down the stairs, Pam admitted she felt as though she was on the verge of a panic attack. She couldn't stand all the looks everyone was giving her, and worrying about Roy trying to pull something. On top of that, she still had to look for an apartment.

"Well I'm looking for a roommate."

Pam was broken away from her thoughts as they made their way down the last landing of stairs.

"Huh?"

Ryan looked embarrassed, but smiled.

"My roommate is moving for a new job, I've been looking for one. It's only a few minutes away from work…and if you don't mind my dog maybe…"

Pam smiled at him, her stomach doing flips.

"Cool…maybe after work you can show me the place?"

"Sure…"

When they got to the lobby, Pam stopped and looked at him, her heart was racing.

"Thank you Ryan…you're so sweet, I have no idea how I would of gotten through these last couple of weeks without you…"

Leaning over, she gently pecked him on the cheek. At that exact moment Pam's heart leaped into her throat when she heard the front glass doors crash open. Hardly having time to turn, she saw Roy running forward, nearly charging.

"You fucking little prick!"

The security office jumped up but it was too late. Roy went crashing into Ryan at all speed. Pam screamed jumping back as Roy tackled him to the ground. Within seconds both were rolling around as Roy started punching Ryan in the face and chest. Seconds later the security officer pepper sprayed Roy who fell to his knees. Pam ran over to Ryan who laid on the floor bleeding. Moments later two other security officers were there and someone was yelling about the police.

Dwight of course was running down the stairs.

Pam kneeled beside Ryan, watching blood dribble down his lips. Holding onto him, she glared at Roy. In just the matter of minutes nearly everyone were cramming down the stairs trying to get a look. Michael was freaking out, asking Ryan over and over again if she was okay. Pam meanwhile helped Ryan in a sitting position. He seemed a little dazed and his lip was still bleeding really bad. When asked if he wanted an ambulance, Ryan shook his head saying he was okay. The police came and took Roy away, all the meanwhile Pam stayed close to Ryan feeling horrible. Once everything was said and done Toby made everyone go back upstairs. Michael told Ryan he could take off early and get himself checked out. Pam asked if she could stay with him and Michael said sure, forcing Toby to answer calls the rest of the day. Going downstairs in one of the empty offices, Pam grabbed an ice pack and had Ryan sit down.

Her hands were shaking and she felt like crying.

Ryan sat there, his lip swelling and his hair a mess.

"I'm so sorry Ryan…"

"Why are you sorry?"

"Roy…"

Ryan looked at Pam, his eyes serious.

"Don't worry about it, that kiss was worth it."

Pam let out a nervous giggle as he smiled back at her. Unbuttoning his shirt slightly, he revealed a white T-shirt underneath. Lifting it, there were all ready bruises forming. Hissing slightly, Ryan looked in pain, laughing to himself he looked at Pam.

"Haven't gotten my ass kicked like this since 8th grade."

Pam glanced at his chest and had the urge to just touch his skin. Fighting back this feeling, she grabbed the ice pack and told him to press it up against his chest. Helping him, she smiled and then noticed something right away, her surprised eyes told it all. Ryan right away looked down and saw a bulge in his slacks. His face turning red he looked away and quickly dropped his hands to his lap.

"Jesus…"

Pam felt just as embarrassed, but couldn't help but stare at him.

"Just give me a second Pam, I'm sorry…"

Trying to turn away, Pam gently touched his face, he looked at her.

Without another word, she pressed her lips against his. Smiling through the kiss, they parted.

"Taste like blood."

Ryan laughed.

Now here Pam was a week later, things had died down and Roy had been fired. Ryan had been nice enough not to press charges and everyone still looked at Pam funny. When Jim tried to talk to her about it she shrugged it off. Now unknown to anyone else, she had a new roommate…and a boyfriend she was head over heels for.

As of right now, the two decided to wait on things, seeing with everything that happened it might be too fast. Now today a rumor got spread by Michael that Jim had said something on the booze cruise. Standing in the staff kitchen with Jim, Pam kept eying Ryan sitting at his desk. She couldn't wait to go home with him tonight. It was hard enough taking different cars each day and playing things normal. In fact…Pam planned on sleeping with Ryan for the first time tonight. Having planned it all out in her head, she wanted to make it a night Ryan would remember.

"Pam, before you find out…I wanted to let you know that on the booze cruise I told Michael that when you first started here I had sort of a crush on you."

Pam was speechless.

"Oh…"

Jim gave an awkward smile before looking down at his feet.

"Yeah…and I know it's kinda soon with Roy and everything, but maybe we can go out for dinner or something, I mean as long as it's not weird or anything…"

Pam felt helpless, this was killing her.

"Ummm…"

"Yeah I know…it's stupid…"

"No, it's not that…it's…"

She kept looking at Ryan before taking a deep breath.

"It's…well…I'm seeing someone."

Jim looked stunned.

"What?"

All he meanwhile Pam stared at Ryan through the window, wishing he could help her.


	5. Chapter 5

"Something on your mind?"

Pam glanced up and met Ryan's big concerned blue eyes. Glancing down at box of Chinese noodles that she had been picking at for the last half an hour or so, Pam nervously smiled before shaking her head.

The two were sitting on the hardwood floor of Ryan's apartment. Both had finally just gotten around with unpacking the last of Pam's things, and now the two celebrated with some takeout while they watched television together. It had been a total of nearly three weeks now since Pam had taken the leap of faith and started in the new direction towards the life she really wanted. Roy had tried contacting her and in private asked her for a quick cup of coffee. Meeting him early on a Sunday, Pam felt uneasy and nervous until she finally saw him walk into the restaurant with tired and lost eyes. The two sat down together and he apologized for what had happened with Ryan.

"I just don't know what came over me…I just lost it."

"You were drunk Roy."

Roy looked up, his eyes heartbroken.

"I guess the reality finally hit me when I saw you walking out with that temp…I've lost you."

Pam looked down at her coffee mug and slowly stirred it with a spoon. She wanted more than anything to just get this over with and go back home to her new apartment. She could see Ryan now in a T-shirt and jeans painting her new bedroom with his dog Rusty sleeping by his feet. A baseball cap turned backwards on his head as he sang along to the blasting music from his boom box. Forcing the smile away, Pam lifted her eyes and saw Roy…the real Roy she had grown up with and found herself drawn to.

"Do you love him?"

"What?"

"The temp, you two are together aren't you?"

Pam felt completely thrown off guard. Ever since Pam had moved in, which was nearly five days ago, nobody knew about Ryan and her. In fact…she didn't even know what was going on with them. The day she moved her stuff, her parents had helped. Her father brought his truck and shook Ryan's hands with a smile.

"You must be Ryan, mighty nice of you letting Pam stay with you."

Pam could tell Ryan was nervous, smiling he said it was no problem. That's when Pam's mother came with a tray of hot coffee and was more than happy to meet Ryan. Once everything of Pam's was moved into his apartment, Pam spotted her mother sitting and finishing her coffee with him. The two seemed to be getting along and even laughing. Afterward when Pam walked her parents back to her dad's truck, Pam's mother winked at her and said she really liked this guy…even better then Jim.

Pam at first felt awkward, she was staying at Ryan's place and felt like an outside. For nearly eight years she had been with Roy and had gotten so used to their life's together. Now here she was, free with a fresh start.

Ryan was adorable and seemed just as nervous as her. Her first night there her bed hadn't been set up yet and Ryan offered her his bed. Bringing her extra pillows and blankets he told her it wasn't a problem and that he would bunk out on the couch with Rusty. Right before bed Pam ran into Ryan in the hallway. He had a faded band T-shirt on and sweats, she had a tank top and shorts on. Both avoided eye contact before Pam noticed his arms. Surprised by smooth and fit they were, Pam got another urge to just touch them. Remembering that kiss, she smiled and felt color rise into her face.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

Pam pushed back some of her hair and felt that same dancing feeling in her stomach.

"Ummm, you know it's only going to be a matter of time before people at work begin to notice about us being new roommates, God knows people are all ready talking about what happened with Roy."

Ryan rubbed the back of his neck before looking her straight in the eye.

"Well, I know you've been through a lot…and maybe it might be weird since…well…what I wanted to say is…"

Pam smiled, he looked so cute when he was nervous. Taking a step closer, Pam decided once and for all to just be forward. She was finished hiding behind that desk at work and dreaming of something better. She was done flirting with Jim and having to put up with Roy. Looking at Ryan, she knew she wanted this, as much as a risk this was.

Leaning forward she gently kissed him again. Their lips touched, Pam felt how soft his were as they slightly parted. Pam's eyes shut and she felt his arms slip around her waist. Both of their mouths began opening and closing before Pam leaned back. Her heart felt as though it was racing a mile a minute. Just inches away from Ryan's face, she could smell his aftershave. Smiling, she had to admit…she hadn't kissed anyone like that before in her whole life.

"So, what are we?"

"Well I guess we'll do this 7th grade style…since I all ready got my ass kicked like one."

Pam giggled as he stared straight in her eyes.

"Pam, would you like to be my girlfriend?"

Pam smiled, she wanted to burst out laughing but knew it wasn't the time.

"I would love to, as long as you want to be my boyfriend."

"It would be a pleasure."

Both began laughing like they were kids, instead of asking if this was too soon, or second guessing each other they just laughed. Ryan holding her around the waist, both looking into each other's eyes and feeling so happy and excited.

Now a few days later Pam decided once and for all to answer Roy's question truthfully.

"Yes."

Roy nodded before looking down at his hands.

"Well then, I wish you two the best of luck."

And with that Roy left and walked out of Pam's life. It wasn't a bitter goodbye, just an understanding. Pam of course had feelings for him, she wouldn't have stayed with him all those years. But watching him get into his truck, Pam sighed deeply and knew she had made the smarted decision of her entire life.

Pam arrived back to the apartment to find Ryan in the same exact state she thought of. Laughing, she changed in the bathroom into junk clothes and joined him. By the end of the evening the bedroom was done and both were covered in paint and laughing. That's when they decided to have a serious talk.

They knew how weird everyone would react at the office, mostly because Pam had really just broken up with Roy. Both decided that everyone would find out within time. They weren't going to hide anything or make it into a big deal. They knew as soon as one person found out the entire office would and Michael would make things as uncomfortable as humanly possible for them. Pam had briefly thought of Jim's reaction, but pushed that aside. She now knew for sure she didn't love Jim…he was just a friend. It was Ryan she was in love with. Staring at him, she knew she could never say this out loud. It all seemed so new and scary for her. Wanting to focus on the good, she decided not to jump the gun. This was the first relationship she was in for nearly eight years.

They drove to work in their own cars, but took their lunch breaks together. They decided until someone found out, they wouldn't publicly show affection or go to Toby to sign a release. Now feeling as though she finally closed that chapter in her life with Roy, she was slowly picking up the pieces of what she had to look forward to.

A few days past and things were going good. Work was as usually and both did their jobs, not acting any different than normal. Pam sensed the only person who might start getting a hint was Jim, who always seemed to be watching whenever Ryan went up to her desk.

Both took their lunch breaks together and usually went out. They held hands, sat together and just talked the entire hour. They would kiss, laugh, whisper in each other's ears, and then nearly start making out like madmen in Ryan's car before checking the clock and speeding back to work. Both would walk back in, making sure nothing looked weird and went back to working. So far besides Jim nobody was giving them any looks.

At home it was better. They would arrive almost at the same time. Pam was still in the middle of unpacking and Ryan helped every night. Pam still felt slightly awkward and was adjusting to living with him. She couldn't help but laugh, here she was with a guy who she got butterflies whenever he looked at her, and both were living under the same roof. She didn't want to think rushing into things, but she felt funny whenever she was showering, it almost felt like when she was in high school and spending the weekend over a friend's house. Sure she felt comfortable, and loved this new place, but just even waking up in the morning and getting ready for work beside him felt funny. She liked it, but couldn't really explain the feeling.

Ryan was so relaxed though. He made sure anything of his was hers. Shocking enough, he was pretty neat for a guy and the apartment was a more then big enough for the two of them. Just the morning before, Pam had finished showering and wiped the fogged up mirror before opening the medicine chest and looking inside. Pam really hadn't branched out yet and still kept most of her things besides her toothbrush in her room. Smiling she looked over his things.

His razor, his shaving cream, his aftershave, his cologne, gel, mouth wash, and then…

Pam's brow wrinkled before she held the small bottle up insulin.

Putting it back, she decided not to say anything.

The next day was the day Jim admitted he had once had a crush on her and asked her out. Pam couldn't believe it. Right away all those years of joking and flirting caught up with her. Speechless, she decided to admit that she was seeing someone. Jim looked stunned.

"Who?"

Just then, as if he had heard her plea for help, Ryan walked in. Both Pam and Jim froze as Ryan smiled and walked over to the fridge and grabbed his string cheese. Pam then looked at Jim, she could tell he knew.

"Jim…"

Ryan then looked up as he leaned against the counter, not really having any idea what was going on.

"I've been wanting to tell you, I got a roommate."

Jim stared at Ryan, his eyes blank.

"Oh…"

Before she could say anything else Jim mumbled something about getting back to work and quickly darted out of the kitchen. Ryan and Pam stood there alone.

"What was that all about?"

Any thoughts of wanting to finally sleep with Ryan tonight drifted away. So far their week or so of being together both had taken it slow. Pam enjoyed this and liked the fact she was getting to know Ryan even better. Yet still, making out and the heavy petting on the couch at night just didn't seem enough. Pam was nervous about this, yet wanted to make tonight special. In fact she had bought special lingerie and had made sure she had taken her birth control pill this morning. Now seeing Jim's face made her feel horrible.

Pam sighed.

"Jim knows."

"About us?"

Pam slowly nodded.

"He just asked me out."

Ryan grinned.

"No way."

Pam nodded again, she really felt guilty.

"And what did you say?"

"I told him I had a boyfriend…"

Ryan grinned again.

"You know, I like the sound of that…in fact I've been wanting to say out loud I have a girlfriend."

Pam smiled at this.

"You want to go see Toby?"

Pam nodded.

Ryan walked over slipping his hand into her before kissing her on the cheek.

"Then let's go…don't worry about it."

Toby's reaction was much like Jim's, stunned and in disbelief. Ryan couldn't help but smile the entire time and within just minutes everyone stared at them when they walked out from the kitchen together. Jim meanwhile kept his head down. Right away Michael burst out of the office, yelling that he couldn't believe the two hottest in the office were together. Right away Pam and Ryan looked as though they wanted to die. Angela of course shot a disapproving look while Kevin giggled. By the end of the day everyone had made their comments and Ryan and Pam tried going back to their work.

Before close, Kevin went up to Ryan's desk with a creepy smile on his face.

"Pam huh? Nice."

Ryan just stared blankly up at him.

A half an hour later Pam and Ryan were getting their coats when Pam tried saying goodbye to Jim. Hurrying out, Jim barley said anything and left. Standing beside Ryan, she felt him tighten his grip. Looking at him, he winked and right away her worries went away.

Now here they were, sitting that night together having takeout. Both watched television together and talked about how weird today was and how hopefully things would die down after a while. That's when Pam decided to finally get it off her chest. Looking at Ryan, she set hr food down and sighed.

"Ryan…why didn't you tell me you had diabetes?"

Ryan who was in the middle of taking a sip of his beer froze and stared at her. Setting the bottle down, he looked at her.

"What?"

Pam sighed and curled up before touching his leg.

"I was putting something away in the bathroom and saw your insulin."

Ryan set his stuff down before looking at her, crossing his arms.

"Wow, thought you were worried about work or how Jim reacted…"

Pam waved her hand.

"I don't care about that…I care about you. I know we really just started getting into this, and I don't want speak for you…but I really feel like this is right. I know we still don't know a lot about each other…but I just wanted to know. Did you feel ashamed?"

Ryan sighed before shrugging.

"I guess honestly I didn't think it was a big deal. Other then Toby who has the medical records nobody at work knows. Really something I just don't talk about. I've had it since I was seven and it's just part of my life now. I have it under control really well…I just hated when I was a teenager how much of a fuss my mother would make over it. I guess I didn't want to freak you out."

"Of course I wouldn't freak out…Ryan that's part of you…I don't ever want you to feel like you need to keep something like that from me, okay?"

Ryan smiled before nodding.

"Okay deal."

That's when Pam knew.

An hour later she stood in front of the bathroom mirror in her lingerie and nervously stared at herself. Taking her perfume, she dabbed it on her neck before checking her makeup. She never felt so nervous before in her life. Smiling, she tried to remember all those little visions she had whenever Ryan was kissing her or feeling her breasts. She would just think of how amazing he was in bed, or how his skin felt against hers. Getting goose bumps, Pam knew she couldn't stall any longer. Fixing her hair one last time she left the bathroom and went to his bedroom.

The lights were off.

"Ryan?"

His arms went around her waist, he was standing behind her. Gently he kissed her shoulder.

Pam smiled and right away her entire body felt as though it was on pin pricks.

A few minutes later both were passionately on his bed, kissing and clutching onto each other. Rusty the dog meanwhile slept like the dead on the floor as Pam began gasping for air. It felt so hot, and she couldn't stop kissing him. Opening her mouth, she playfully bit his shoulder and nearly screamed when his hands ran up and down her sides.

Before reaching to tug down his pants, Ryan paused.

"You sure?"

Pam panted before grabbing him and forcing his body down on hers.

"I'm more then sure…"

Two hours later Ryan slept peacefully beside her. There were four used condoms in the wastepaper basket near the nightstand and Pam's fancy lingerie was torn and tossed aside. Pam laid there and couldn't believe it.

Her eyes glanced over to him and right away she smiled. He slept naked beside her, surprisingly enough it felt like a million degrees in here for being mid winter. Pam stared at him in amazement. She hadn't had sex like that ever before in her life. Never before had she had to tell the guy enough was enough and finished completely exhausted. Pam felt drained and in awe. She didn't know the temp had it in him.

Hiking herself up on her elbow, she smiled before staring at his naked body. For such a thin guy, he really did look perfect. Snuggling in beside him, she gently kissed his shoulder before softly whispering.

"Ryan Howard…I love you."

Shutting her eyes, she didn't see a smile appear on Ryan's face.


	6. Chapter 6

One early May morning, Pam woke up a little after eight to find herself laying on her stomach in the full sized bed Ryan and her now shared. Naked, her long flowing red hair was pooled around her as her sleepy eyes opened up and blinked before looking around. Sunlight was drifting in through the slightly closed curtains, and the plush dark blue blanket felt amazing against her bare skin. Turning her head, she saw Ryan sleeping beside her, his bangs in his eyes.

Last night Jim had left.

It was casino night at the warehouse and the entire time Pam and Ryan stayed close gambling, laughing, and having a good time. At one point that evening, Jim looked extremely uncomfortable and asked if he could talk to her alone. Glancing across the room, she saw Ryan was ordering drinks and talking with Creed. Agreeing, both went upstairs where Jim caught her off guard and kissed her. Pushing back, her eyes seemed stunned.

"What was that?"

Jim shoved his hands into his pockets before deeply sighing.

"You have no idea how much I've been wanting to do that."

Pam couldn't believe it. After all these months he finally does something like this? She was speechless. Pam thought back on Valentine's day when she received a dozen beautiful red and white roses from Ryan. Kelly and Phyllis of course gushed over this as a very embarrassed Ryan tried to keep focus while looking at his computer. Pam meanwhile felt extremely proud, Roy had never been the romantic type. Pam remembered on their way out, she had wrapped her arms around his neck and deeply kissed him before saying thank-you for the flowers. Ryan blushed before shrugging.

"It was nothing…"

That's when Pam saw Jim staring at them

Then on Michael's birthday when he had taken them ice skating, Pam found the fact Ryan didn't know how to skate extremely cute and held his hand as he nervously shuffled beside her. Jim yet again kept watching.

When it was take your daughter to work day, Pam noticed Jim say something to Stanley while his daughter was bothering him in the kitchen and he was trying his hardest to brush her off and get away from her. An hour later Ryan took Pam outside to finish their coffee and Ryan told her that Stanley had yelled at her. Pam laughed when Ryan said it was one of the most scariest moments in his life.

Things had been going so good for Pam now. Her relationship with Ryan was really developing. They were becoming extremely close and never before in her life did she feel so comfortable with someone. The apartment was now their own and Pam was starting to feel more at home. Both clicked very well and spent most of their nights after work just being together. They would either go out for dinner or make it themselves. Ryan would study his business books, and Pam would sketch on the couch. They would watch movies together and end up making out with Rusty asleep by their feet. They spent their weekends together and began meeting their own group of friends. Pam loved being with him and felt proud he was her boyfriend. He would surprise her with the sweetest things, and always seem so cute whenever he did something for her. Most nights they would just lay awake laughing and talking. At work both felt more relaxed and enjoyed the fact they were a couple. Michael of course made plenty of jokes, but Pam loved always looking up from her desk and seeing Ryan winking at her. In mid March she met his family who were distant from him, but very welcoming and pleasant. Ryan held her hand the entire time and couldn't stop smiling.

Now months into their relationship , Jim had done this.

"Jim, what are you doing?"

Jim raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you knew…"

Attempting to lean in and kiss him again, Pam shoved him away. Her eyes in disbelief.

"Stop."

Jim looked at her, his eyes angry.

"You have to be kidding me, Ryan?"

Pam stared at him before shaking her head.

"Jim…I love him, I'm sorry."

Jim just stared at her before looking down at his feet. The silence was killing her.

"I can't believe this…"

Before she could say anything he left. Standing there, Pam felt goose bumps break out on her arms. Rubbing them, she deeply sighed…she hadn't wanted to hurt him. Taking a deep breath she went back downstairs and quickly wrapped her arms around Ryan while he was playing poker. Kissing him on the shoulder, he laughed and looked over at her.

"Missed me?"

"Yeah…I guess I did."

Kissing him on the shoulder again, she looked around at all her friends and co-workers and smiled. She was over feeling sorry, she couldn't waste anymore time.

Now here she was, dealing with waking up with the guilt, yet the comforting feeling of seeing the man she was in love with. Looking at him, she couldn't believe how long they had all ready been together. Thinking of all the dates they shared, all the dinners, and all the nights they made love and Pam laid back completely exhausted and amazed. She had made her choice…this was the man she was in love with. Feeling the slight headache from the drinks they had the night before. Just a month ago they had been over her parents, laughing and all having dinner together. Ryan and her were sharing stories of work and how Ryan was in business school. Pam remembered Ryan mentioned how he really wanted to make something for himself…and the person who was with him. Both glanced at each other from across the table and smiled before looking away.

Reaching over, Pam's fingers gently brushed away his hair before smiling. That's when his big blue eyes opened and smiled at her. Right away any guilt she felt about Jim the night before slipped away.

"Hi…"

Ryan said before stretching beside her. Pam smiled before thinking back when they stumbled into the apartment the night before completely drunk. Both couldn't stop kissing each other and slammed against the hallway walls before falling into the bedroom they now shared.

"You look tired."

"Yeah…someone kept me up all night."

Ryan grinned.

"Yeah right."

"No seriously, he just kept telling me he couldn't finish, had me up for hours…I've never been so sore before in my life."

Ryan began cracking up before rolling closer and kissing her. Smiling through the kiss, Pam watched Ryan break away before slipping out from under the covers and standing up completely naked. Smiling, Pam sat up and pulled the sheets around her like a dress.

"Hey, hold on a second."

Ryan stopped.

"Yeah?"

Pam smiled, she had never acted like this in front of another man before.

"Just let me look at you…"

Ryan blushed before turning, his hands on his hips.

"What? Want paint a life still?"

"No, just want to take a good look of my handsome boyfriend that everyone is jealous of."

Ryan laughed before Pam's eyes traced up and down his entire body. It was true, he was perfect in nearly every way. Staring at him for what seemed like a lifetime, Pam finally hid her giggles in her hands. Moments later Ryan jumped back into bed and rolled on top of her, ticking and kissing her. Laughing, she tried kicking him away before he stared down at her.

"God I love you."

Pam smiled before touching the side of his face.

"I love you…"

Both kissed and when they arrived at work a half an hour later they received news that Jim had quit and moved to another branch. Looking at his empty desk, Pam couldn't believe it. But all thoughts drifted away the moment Michael lead Ryan to it and offered out loud Jim's old job.

Staring at Ryan, she knew this was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Four months later**_

Pam stood underneath the shower head letting the warm beads of water fall down on her as she slicked back her hair and closed her eyes feeling completely relaxed. Today had been a stressful day at work. She had put up with Michael and Pretzel Day, and then right before leaving received a very awkward call from Jim who had left the day after Pam refused his kiss. Both hadn't said goodbyes, nor were able to talk about what happened. Instead Jim just left and went to Stamford and Ryan received his desk and old job. Thinking back at how Pam had said goodbye she cringed. Ryan was gone on a sales call with Dwight and the entire day she had worried about him. Lately Ryan had been working and studying non-stop.

Jim and her had spoken briefly, hardly filling each other in on anything before saying goodbye. Driving home, all Pam wanted was to find Ryan all ready home and fill her in on his crazy day. Lately he had been pushing himself so hard to prove something, she knew how badly he wanted to make a sale and gain a little respect at work. But Pam didn't want him to stress, she knew he was trying and loved him just the way he was. Feeling a little uneasy after hearing Jim's voice, she came home to an empty apartment and decided to take a nice long hot shower and then slip into bed.

Just then the curtain of the shower was pushed back and Pam's eyes snapped open as her heart jumped into her chest. Ryan stood there, his lie loosened and his face exhausted.

"You wouldn't believe the day I had."

Pam put her hand to her chest before laughing.

"Oh my God, I didn't even hear you come in."

"Yeah Dwight made me go for some after drinks with him…"

Ryan rolled his eyes before taking his tie off and starting to unbutton his shirt. Pam laughed again before throwing her hair back over her shoulder, the water still falling down on her.

"So how did the sales call go?"

Ryan's eyes dropped before he shrugged.

"I didn't get it."

Right away Pam felt terrible, This entire week he had been so nervous about it.

"That's too bad, maybe next time."

"Yeah maybe…"

"I'm sure having Dwight with you didn't help either."

Ryan slid his shirt off and placed it on the hamper before undoing his belt buckle.

"Actually he gave me some pretty good advice…well besides the stuff he tried to tell me at his beet farm."

Pam laughed, trying to hide it.

"No way!"

Ryan shook his head before tugging off his slacks and shoes.

"You have no idea…"

Pam kept laughing, but wanted to tell him it was okay about the sales call. Instead he pulled down his boxers and Pam smiled as he stepped inside.

"Move in, I need to unwind."

Pam smiled stepping back as Ryan stood in front of her, right away the water making his hair flat. Pam then reached up behind him and wrapped her arms tightly around his waist. Moving in behind him, she gently kissed his back, moving her lips up against his skin before reaching his shoulder. Tilting his head back, he deeply sighed before Pam playfully nipped his earlobe.

"Don't let the sales call get you down, you're great at business."

"Yeah…I guess."

Pam could tell by the sound of his voice he was tired. Just then Ryan turned, his eyes meeting hers. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he seemed serious.

"I'll make you proud Pam, I'll show you I'm not just a temp."

"Ryan, I don't care about that. I'm all ready proud of you…I'm in love with you."

"Really?"

Pam smiled.

"Really."

"I promise though, I'll give us a good life…no matter how hard I work."

"Ryan, we do have a good life."

Ryan smiled before Pam's eyes drifted down, her smile getting bigger. Ryan's serious gaze was broken when his old smile appeared.

"Maybe we should move this to the bedroom."

Pam smiled still looking down. Ryan laughed as the water poured down on them.

"Impressed?"

Pam smiled, holding back from laughing.

"I guess so…"

Ryan smiled.

"You guess so?"

"Yeah…it's cute."

"Cute! Puppies are cute!"

Pam kept laughing before looking down.

"Okay, okay fine. It's huge!"

Ryan laughed before wrapping his arms around her and playfully putting her in a headlock. Both laughed before he kissed her.

Afterwards Pam dried off and was finishing blow drying her hair while watching Ryan at the sink. Only in basket ball shorts he stood by the medicine chest, she watched him pinch a tiny flab of his almost perfectly flat stomach before injecting his insulin. Seconds later he turned and smiled.

"Ready for bed babe?"

Pam smiled before following him.

That night Pam slept with Ryan's arms tightly around her. Laying awake, she took one of Ryan's hands and slipped hers into it. Holding his hand, Pam smiled at the size difference and how nice and smooth his fingers felt against hers. Laying against their bed, Pam thought back at the past four months and all the happy memories she all ready had. This past summer the two had gone up to Ryan's family for his birthday at his brother's lake house. The two spend the week boating, laying on the beach, and making love. Pam liked Ryan's family so much better then Roy's. Even though they weren't that close with him, they were more then welcoming. The two had enjoyed working so close together now and it seemed as though every second she would be looking up and catching him staring at her with a smile on his face. She loved getting these cute little emails from him, or how they couldn't keep their hands off each other when they got home.

Laying there, Pam knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. Pulling out from Ryan's arms slowly, she heard him mumble in his sleep before rolling over. Softly walking to the other side of the room, Pam flicked on the light on their desk and took out her sketchpad.

Staring at Ryan she smiled and went back to working on a sketch she had been wanting to surprise him with.

One month later everyone at the office learned the Stamford branch was closing and coming here. Pam was met with mixed feeling about this news. Part of her thought it was for the best since their branch didn't close, but another made her nervous since Jim would be coming back. She didn't want things to be awkward, or have Ryan and her feel guilty. When the day the Stamford people arrived things got off to a rocky start. Jim tried sitting at his old desk before Ryan made it perfectly clear he was now sitting there. Pam meanwhile watched without saying a word. Jim tried to make it out to be a big deal and just shrugged before going to his old desk. Pam felt weird and after a few hours learned he was seeing the new girl Karen. Hoping this would take the heat off Ryan and her, she exchanged a few words with him, mostly just saying hello and asking how things were. Before the end of the day Jim asked the million dollar question.

"So your still with him huh?"

Pam crossed her arms, she didn't like the sound of his voice.

"Yeah…I am."

Walking to Ryan's car that afternoon, Pam made sure Jim could see her holding Ryan's hand before they drove away. The next few weeks were strange, but every time they all sat together in the meeting room, she focused on Ryan and laughed with him while Jim watched from afar.

Then Christmas happened.

Ryan was working extra hours and still taking his classes at night. Pam saw as winter began to wear on, Ryan was getting more and more exhausted. Planning on staying the holidays at Pam's parents, Pam had saved up some money and bought Ryan an X-box and brand new watch her mother helped her buy while they were shopping in New York. A small mini tree in their living room, Pam spent most evenings either waiting for Ryan to come home from school, or sketching and wrapping gifts. She felt like a little kid again watching it snow and couldn't wait to see Ryan's face on Christmas morning when he opened his gifts.

Then the Christmas party happened.

Pam was trying to be friends with Karen and both were having fun going against Angela with making two different parties. It was a little after five when Michael and Andy arrived with their two new waitress girlfriends when Pam noticed Ryan sitting in the back break room. His color was slightly off, and he looked to be sweating. Walking up, she right away felt worried.

"Hey, you okay?"

Ryan looked up, he had been fetching things for the girls to set up their party. So far everything was a success and people were starting to have a good time. Placing her hand on his shoulder, she studied how badly he was sweating.

"Yeah fine, just tried."

"You want to leave?"

Ryan forced a smile before shaking his head.

"No I'm fine…come on let's get some drinks."

Pam smiled before taking his hand. Earlier Karen had commented on what a cute couple they made. About an hour later everyone was drinking and having a good time when Pam noticed Ryan was missing again. Walking past Jim who was watching, she found Ryan sitting in the kitchen, his collar undone and breathing heavy.

"You okay?"

Ryan looked up, his hands shaking.

"I don't feel so hot…"

Right away a horrible feeling of panic leaped into Pam's chest. Kneeling down beside him, her hands went into his.

"Ryan?!"

"Get me some juice…my blood sugar…"

His voice was barely above a whisper. Just then Karen walked in, a drink in her hand and giggling as Jim followed her. Right away both stopped in their tracks. Jim made a face.

"What's wrong?"

Pam ran to the fridge and grabbed the apple juice, nearly falling she ran back to Ryan.

"Here Ryan, take a sip!"

Ryan grabbed the bottle, nearly spilling it before taking a huge swig. Karen walked over, her eyes big.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He has diabetes, something is wrong…"

Pam sounded scared to death as Ryan took another swig. Helping him loosen his tie, she watched with him terrified eyes before he gulped and set the bottle down, out of breath and drained.

"I'm okay…just give me a second."

"I'm calling an ambulance…"

Pam went to get up before Ryan reached out and gently took her hand. Shaking his head he tried to smile.

"I'm okay Pam, really. This happens sometimes when I don't eat for awhile. I'm fine."

Karen and Jim watched without saying a word. Looking down at him, Pam fought back on crying, she had never seen Ryan like this before and was scared to death seeing it. A half an hour later she forced him to go home with him. Before leaving, the party had really started picking up and nearly everyone was drunk. Only Jim and Karen had seen what had happened.

Ryan slipped on his coat and Pam told him to wait. Karen and Jim leaned against one of the desks.

"How's he doing?"

"Better, his blood sugar was just low. I'm going to get him home before the snow gets any worse."

"You need anything?"

Pam was stunned to hear this from Jim but shook her head.

"No, we're fine. Thanks guys. And if you don't mind can we keep this to ourselves?"

Karen and Jim nodded.

"Of course."

Giving a forced smile, Pam grabbed her coat and left just when Angela began singing Christmas songs. Taking Ryan's arms she insisted on helping him to car and drove as snow fell from the sky above. She couldn't believe nearly a year had past since they were together.

Once inside the apartment Pam forced Ryan out of his slacks and shirt and into sweats. Helping him check his blood sugar he seemed fine and set him up on the couch. Feeling still slightly shaken over what happened, Pam nervously paced the living room floor as Ryan laid on the couch and petted Rusty before looking up at her.

"Thanks."

Pam stopped, their tiny Christmas tree's lights were twinkling. Snow fell outside now and it looked as though there would be a pretty bad storm for tomorrow morning. Feeling better that it would be Christmas eve day and that Ryan and her had a couple of days off, she felt nervous about taking him up to her parents after what happened.

"What?"

"For helping me out back there, I knew it was stupid to go without eating that long, sometimes my blood sugar gets so low I start feeling sick."

Pam went over and sat on the edge of the couch before sighing.

"You scared me."

Ryan frowned.

"Sorry I ruined your party."

Pam reached over and gently touched the side of his face.

"You didn't…I was just so scared…I started thinking if something had happened…"

Ryan took her hand, meeting her eyes and giving her comfort.

"Pam, nothing is going to happen. I promise."

Pam tried to smile before Ryan kissed her hand.

"Now let's not have such a stupid little thing ruin our holiday okay?"

Pam sniffled in before laughing.

"Okay."

"Well, I was waiting to give you this tomorrow night, but I think this might cheer you up."

Ryan dug into his pocket of his sweatpants before taking out a tiny little black box. Right away Pam's heart skipped a beat. Her eyes widened before she stared at him.

"Ryan?"

Ryan smiled, his eyes sparking.

"I know this is fast, but I've never been so much in love then I've been with you Pam. You make me feel so much better about myself, and you make me want to try harder…you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

That's when he opened the box and Pam gasped.

"Pam, will you marry me?"

Pam stared at the sparking diamond ring and was completely speechless. Looking at Ryan's big blue eyes she knew he wasn't joking. Right away the most overwhelming feeling of happiness over came her before she laughed as tiny little tears fell down her face.

"Of course I will."

Ryan grinned before reaching over and with his thumb wiped her tears away. Gently slipping the ring on her finger, he sat up before Pam started laughing and crying at the same time. Ryan gathered her up in her arms and held her tight as the snow kept falling outside.

"I'm going to give you a good life Pam…I promise."


	8. Chapter 8

"Oh my God, look at that rock!"

Kelly squealed as she jumped up and down looking at Pam's left hand. Feeling slightly embarrassed, Pam smiled as Meredith and Kevin walked over with curious eyes.

"Whoa!"

Meredith said in a very impressed voice as Kevin grinned and turned towards Ryan who was pretending to look at his computer.

"Nice fire guy."

Ryan looked up with slightly nervous eyes before Michael and Jim walked in through the front door. Both had done a sales call on one of their bigger clients and Michael insisted he went along. Dwight meanwhile pouted at his desk barley looking up at all.

"So was it romantic, how did he propose?"

Kelly asked, Pam eyed Jim walking in and stumbled over her words before Michael spotted the ring.

"Hey! What is that?!"

Walking over Michael held up Pam's hand before giggling, his eyes big before turning towards Ryan.

"Oh my God!"

Ryan looked as though he was about to die, turning his chair slightly he made a very uncomfortable smile before Michael laughed and ruffled his hair.

"Look at my little Ryan and Pam, all grown up and engaged! Hey Pam please tell me this won't be another three year thing huh?!"

Michael laughed and Kevin snickered as Pam felt color rise in her cheeks. Jim strolled over before stopping dead in his tracks before seeing her hand. His mouth opened to say something but no words came out. Pam noticed Karen watching from her desk.

It was a week after the holidays and Ryan and Pam had spent theirs at her parents celebrating their engagement. Pam's parents were thrilled and treated the two for a day of skiing the day after Christmas. The two were extremely happy and Pam couldn't stop smiling, she had never felt this way before with Roy. Somehow she couldn't stop being so excited. On Christmas eve, the four of them drank egg nog and played cards while the entire time Pam couldn't stop smiling and looking across the table at Ryan. Afterwards in the kitchen when she was alone with her mother, Pam started jumping up and down and laughing holding up her ring. Pam's mother was amused and said she was thrilled to finally see her happy. After her parents went to bed, Pam and Ryan snuggled up on the couch with the fireplace going and the Christmas tree twinkling. The two watched television before Pam laid her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. The next morning Pam surprised Ryan with his gifts, and thought it was adorable how he made such a big deal when he opened them. He couldn't stop thanking and kissing her. Ryan then surprised her with a beautiful wooden case of paint brushes and sketch pencils. The next day they spent skilling and having a great time. Pam snapped a bunch of photos with her camera and couldn't stop laughing when Ryan fell on his snowboard.

The day before Pam asked Ryan if they should wait until letting everyone know their engaged. Ryan asked why and Pam shrugged, She didn't want things to feel weird, or have anyone give them a hard time. Wrapping his arms around her, Ryan told her he didn't care about anyone else. Staring at her ring, Pam knew he was right. She didn't care what people thought, she wanted to be proud of this engagement…unlike how she was with Roy. Now a funny feeling of guilt filled her stomach when she saw Jim's shocked eyes.

By the end of the day everyone knew about their engagement. Most people thought it was wonderful, others Pam knew simply rolled their eyes, wondering if she would actually go through with it. Michael was thrilled, and Kelly wanted to know every single detail and was all ready asking questions about the wedding. Pam felt overwhelmed and told her that Ryan and her weren't going to really think about that until they got their life's a little more in order. Kelly then started going on about how beautiful beach weddings were.

On her way out, Karen bumped into her.

"Hey I heard about you and Ryan, congrats."

Pam smiled grabbing her coat.

"Thanks Karen."

"You'll lucky, been hinting towards that with Jim for months."

Pam stuck this as funny but simply smiled as Karen said goodnight and walked out. Waiting for Ryan, Pam saw Jim grabbing his things.

"Night Pam…"

He mumbled. Pam watched him go and noticed he hadn't said anything about her engagement. Sighing, she turned towards Ryan who slipped on his coat and offered his hand to carry her bag.

Spring came and Phyllis got married. The night of the wedding Pam danced nearly the whole night with Ryan and couldn't believe how much fun she was having. All the meanwhile Jim watched, and Karen noticed.

Jim finally commented on Pam's ring a few weeks after everyone found out. The two bumped into each other while in the kitchen and Jim mentioned how bummed he was that the two of them really hadn't had the chance to hang out anymore. Pam smiled while grabbing her bottled water.

"I know, we've been so busy."

"Yeah…I miss the old days…miss having fun with you."

Pam knew where he was getting that and remembered how he had tried to kiss her on casino night. Feeling a sick twisting in her stomach, she wanted to just grab her stuff and head back to the desk.

"I guess that's what happens when people get in relationships."

"Huh?"

"You and Ryan, Karen and me."

"Oh…yeah."

"So you'll really going to marry him huh?"

Pam now felt annoyed, she was done playing games and didn't like the person Jim had turned into this past year. Turning, her hands on her hips she shot him a look.

"Of course I am…"

Jim looked at her with desperate eyes before Pam grabbed her water and left. Since then the two had really avoided talking to each other. Ryan mentioned that during Bob Vance's bachelor party in the warehouse that Jim kept making little comments about how he better watch out and be ready to wait awhile since Pam just loved having long engagements. Ryan said he got annoyed and once Michael made a scene with the stripper told Jim that maybe he should mind his own business and worry about his own girlfriend. Jim held his hands up in defense and said he was just kidding. Ryan shrugged it off, but enjoyed the look in Jim's eyes once they all got upstairs and Pam informed Ryan on how the Ben Franklin impersonator had hit on her. Ryan cracked up, leaning against Pam's desk before she told him she let him down easy, telling him she had a really cute fiancé. Both kept laughing before Ryan leaned over and kissed her forehead. When he sat back down, he saw Jim glaring at them.

A week later Ryan brought Michael to business school which he was just a few months away from graduating. Having been working and studying hard, it seemed as if any spare second Ryan had he had a text book in front of him. Most nights Pam would help quiz him. Racing back that evening, Ryan made Pam's art show just in time and kept apologizing over and over about being late. Pam was relieved to see him since there really hadn't been a turn out other then Oscar and his boyfriend, in which she overheard some very rude comments about her pieces. Michael came in minutes later, looking angry. Ryan seemed embarrassed and shoved his hands in his pockets while looking down at the floor.

"What's wrong?"

"Ryan said some very nasty things about our company today at business school…I was thinking whenever or not I should fire him."

A first Pam thought he was joking, then she saw the look in Ryan's eyes and panic yet again filled her head.

"Ummm, Michael don't do that."

"Oh yeah? Why not Pam? His good looks can't get him out of everything."

Pam nervously eyed Ryan before taking the sketch of Dunder Mifflin down that she had been working on for the last month or so. Holding it up to Michael she smiled.

"Because Ryan told me I should give you this since you're the best boss we've ever had."

Michael stood back slightly stunned.

"Really?"

Ryan eyed Pam again and she smiled.

"Really…"

Michael took the sketch and tears filled his eyes.

"This is our building."

Seconds later he was forcing Ryan and Pam in for a nice long hug. On the drive back, Ryan kept thanking her, saying that for a second he really thought Michael was so pissed he would really fire him. Pam laughed it off and said it wasn't a big deal, Michael loved him and just doesn't like hearing the truth.

Having dinner with him that night, both talked about each other's day and Pam mentioned how disappointed she was that nobody came to her show. Ryan told her they were just being a bunch of losers and would feel sorry once she was a famous artist living in New York.

Another month past and Ryan told Pam that both would start talking wedding plans after he heard about the big promotion in New York that everyone, counting Michael was after. Ryan told Pam not to tell anyone that he was going up to interview for him. Keeping secret, Pam agreed and Ryan surprised her with a few bridal magazines one evening when he came back from class. The day before beach day, Ryan came into the apartment sweating and looking as though somebody punched him in the face. Pam who was sitting on the couch jumped up and ran over.

"Ryan!"

Ryan had stayed after work to play a game of basketball with the guys. Pam had some shopping to do and wanted to pick up some things for tomorrow. Now home and sketching, she nearly died seeing Ryan work in and drop his gym bag before falling into one of the kitchen chairs.

Running over Pam saw he was breathing heavy.

"What happened? Is it your blood sugar?"

Ryan shook his head before hissing.

"Fucking Jim…he kneed me in the balls…"

"What?!"

Ryan was wearing a faded T-shirt and basket ball shorts, he sat with his legs out as sweat trickled down his face.

"We were playing and our team was ahead…he got in front of me and tried getting the ball and got me. I dropped like a pile of bricks, thank God Michael wasn't there…ah man, it took me five minutes to get up and I've been dying the entire ride back…"

"Why did he do that?!"

Ryan tilted his head back and tried to catch his breath.

"He said it was an accident…oh my God I think I'm going to pass out…"

"Come on, take my arm…"

Pam lead him to the couch and kicked off Rusty. Carefully laying him down she ran back and filled a dishcloth with ice. Coming back in she saw he was laying there with his eyes closed. Sitting on the edge of the couch, Pam tried to control her anger.

"I'm going to kill Jim."

Ryan cracked open his eyes before shaking his head.

"I really think it was just an accident, he's just been acting like such an asshole lately."

"He's jealous."

"Of what?"

"Of us…he hates the fact I'm crazy about you."

Ryan tried to laugh but snapped his eyes shut.

"Oh my God, this is worst then when my brother hit me over the head with his baseball bat when I was twelve."

"Hike down your shorts."

Ryan slowly did so before Pam helped him side them down. Only in his boxers, Ryan tried sitting up before hissing in pain.

"I think I'm swelling up."

Pam reached down and felt him, Ryan's eyes bugged out before she shook her head.

"No, you're fine…just put the ice on them."

"Where the hell did you learn that?"

"Girl Scouts."

Ryan tried laughing again as Pam gently laid the ice down on him.

"It's cold!"

"Don't be such a baby."

Ryan smiled before Pam reached over and ran her thumb over his lips.

"Still want to go tomorrow."

"Of course I do, I can drown Jim."

Pam laughed before taking his hand and kissing it.

The next morning they headed to work and Michael had the party bus waiting, while going in Jim stopped them and lowered his sunglasses.

"Hey Ryan, just wanted to say I was sorry about last night."

Ryan and Pam eyed each other before Ryan shrugged.

"Just watch your back Jim."

Both went on the bus together as Pam hid her laughter. Jim meanwhile stood there stunned.

Beach day was nice, even though Michael had Pam taking notes and making hot dogs the entire day. At one point she finally got a chance to be alone with Ryan and both laid together on their blanket and baked out in the sun.

Two weeks later Pam sat at her desk answering calls and looking on her computer. It was yet another boring regular morning at the office. That's when Ryan's cell rang and he took up and walked into the kitchen to answer it. A few minutes later Ryan walked back out and went to her desk.

"Hey can I talk to you for a second?"

Pam looked up.

"Yeah sure."

Following him into the kitchen, Ryan waited with his arms crossed until Kevin finished making his lunch. Finally his eyes lit up and a huge grin appeared on his face.

"Guess who got the promotion?"

Pam opened her mouth and was speechless. Ryan laughed.

"Get out!"

Ryan laughed before she jumped into his arms. Kissing her deeply, he couldn't stop smiling.

"I can't believe it, we're going to New York!"

Pam hugged Ryan, her fingers going through his hair before the reality hit her.

They were going to New York.


	9. Chapter 9

_**New York **_

_**Two months later.**_

"Pam don't lift that it's too heavy!"

Pam stuck her tongue out at Ryan before carrying one of their many boxes into their new apartment. Dressed in jeans and a bandana, Pam stood back grinning before taking a look around. Ryan, who wore a Red Sox jersey set down the two boxes he was stacking up and smiled before cracking his back. Pam then looked at him before snickering.

"What?"

"You better take that off before stepping foot outside."

Ryan looked down at his jersey before laughing.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Pam then walked over, across the hardwood floors and slipped her hands into the front pockets of Ryan's jeans. Bringing him closer, she smiled and tickled her nose with his.

Just this morning the U-Haul they had rented arrived with all their belongings. The day before Ryan drove Pam and himself in and both got to see the apartment they were renting for the first time since they looked at it with the restate agent earlier that summer. It was a small place, one bedroom, one bathroom, and a small kitchen area. Both Ryan and Pam were shocked to see how much places even like that were going for rent. After signing the papers Ryan promised her that once he started working they would find a much better and bigger place. Pam remembered wrapping her arms around him and saying she loved wherever she lived, as long as it was with him.

News of Ryan's promotion came as shock to everyone…most of all Michael. Nearly everyone for a whole week were whispering about it. Pam overheard things being said such as "How did the temp pull that off?" or "My they must be giving the jobs away now." Pam tried to ignore them but knew if she heard any of them come from Jim she would confront him and make him wish he was never born. Pam couldn't help it, she felt over protective of her fiancé, and couldn't help but smile knowing he would be beyond embarrassed hearing that. A few days later news of Karen quitting came as funny to Pam. She was just starting to like her and didn't understand why she would leave without any notice. When people asked Jim he simply shrugged and said he didn't know. By the end of the day Jim walked over to Pam's desk and asked if he could talk with her. Feeling slightly uneasy, she tried her hardest to be understanding and be the good friend she once was to him. Following him to the kitchen, Jim admitted that Karen and him broke up.

"Oh my God why?"

Jim stared down at his feet.

"I don't know…she said there was a lot of reasons but after she didn't get the promotion things just sort of fell apart."

"That's too bad…you two were really good together."

Jim then stared at her for a second, making Pam uncomfortable.

"So I take it you're quitting your job?"

"What?"

"New York…you are going with Ryan aren't you?"

At this point a lot was still up in the air. Ryan and Pam had talked things over the week before and as overwhelming and as scary as it all seemed, Pam made it clear to him that no matter what he was her fiancé', and she was willing to take a chance.

"Things are really up in the air right now but as far as I know yeah."

"Wow, New York huh?"

Pam tried to smile.

"Yeah…"

"Ryan excited?"

"Excited and nervous, a lot like me. He's worked really hard for this, he's so happy."

"Well that's good…when are you two leaving?"

"Well as far as I know in the autumn, this summer Ryan is heading up to meet with company and then we're going to look for a place."

"Wow…and what about you?"

"Huh?"

"Well are you going to work there?"

Pam suddenly felt very uneasy, she eyed Ryan who was working at his desk through the window.

"Ummm, I really don't know yet. Still have to figure a lot out."

"Got yeah…and the wedding?"

"What?"

"The wedding, set a date yet?"

Pam hated how Jim would ask question after question about Ryan and her now. Feeling annoyed she shrugged.

"Still don't know yet, listen I need to get back…"

Before Jim could say anything else, Pam walked through the door and back into the nice central aired office. Seeing Ryan in his blue button down shirt and black tie, that he seemed to have owned forever made Pam's heart swell. Walking over, she saw he was nervously talking online with David Wallace. Smiling, she bent over and quickly kissed him on the cheek. Right away he relaxed and watched her walk back to her desk before winking at her.

The rest of the summer was a blur. Ryan drove up to New York two weekends in a row. Both times Ryan offered to take Pam with him and have her have the chance to get a better look at the city. The first weekend she didn't simply because she had a lot of stuff to catch up on back home. Those two days seemed like the longest in her entire life. Texting him the entire time she really had to laugh, she couldn't stand even being away from him for even forty-eight hours. Each night she would gather up his pillows on his side and snuggle them, deeply smelling the faint scent of his cologne. Joking about this to her mother, her mom smiled before saying.

"That's because you'll in love."

Pam thought about this before smiling. She was right…Ryan really was the love of her life.

When Ryan came home late that Sunday evening, Pam nearly tackled him when she jumped into his arms and covered him with kisses. Ryan laughed through them before he filled her in on everything David Wallace had told him and roughly what the job would be like. Both joked about how no matter what, even though Jan was fired…Michael would still always love him. The weekend after that Pam went along with him and couldn't help looking up at the city in complete awe. Sure she had been here plenty of times, but it was so much different then home.

Ryan showed her around and the two of them stayed at a very nice hotel that had a beautiful view. The day before they left they looked at apartments and Ryan took her to a few art museums. Pam did feel scared and overwhelmed, but knew this was what Ryan wanted…and maybe, just maybe this would be a start in the new direction she wanted her life to be.

The rest of the summer they planned for the move and right before labor day Michael threw them a going away party. When both walked through the door that morning Dwight and Michael threw two huge buckets filled with glitter right at their faces.

"Surprise!"

Angela brought in a cake that was shaped as the New York skyline.

Michael introduced Pam to Erin, the girl who was taking over her job. Pam still felt this was weird, looking at her desk she couldn't believe she had worked the same job for nearly a decade. Showing Erin around, and where the files were kept, Erin pointed at the framed photograph Pam had up on her desk.

"That's your boyfriend isn't it? The one in there?"

Pam looked at the photo which was taken during Christmas shortly after their engagement. Ryan and Pam were holding each other, dressed in ski gear and laughing.

"Yeah, we got engaged this winter."

"Really? Wow that's awesome, he's really cute."

Pam smiled.

"Thanks."

By the end of the day Michael latched onto Ryan's leg, making him beyond uncomfortable and begged him to stay. Pam meanwhile was saying goodbyes to all her friends and had to hold back from crying since in all honestly she really didn't know if she would see them again.

"Have fun in New York Beesly…or should I say Howard?"

Pam nervously smiled at Jim before giving him a stiff hug. On the drive back to their apartment Pam burst into tears, making Ryan nearly drive off the road. Looking at her with concerned eyes, he took one hand off the wheel and gently touched the side of her face.

"What is it?"

Pam wiped her tears away before shrugging.

"It's nothing…I guess it finally just hit me that we're really doing this."

"You're not having second thoughts are you? I mean if you are I understand…"

"No, it's just…I guess I'm excited. We're starting a new life together."

Ryan smiled.

"Yeah we are."

A week later they moved.

Now here they were.

Ryan was starting on Monday and this entire weekend they planned on unpacking and taking a look around the city. Ryan even promised taking her out to dinner that night. Opening her mouth and slipping her tongue gently against his, she smiled through the kiss.

Pam said she would look around for a part time job, even if it was in a bookstore or something. Ryan seemed slightly uneasy because of this but Pam said the extra would help. Ryan mentioned maybe instead she should start looking into art classes. Having been researching online about them, Pam didn't know if she was ready for such a leap right after the move. In fact, she felt very home sick and the one thing that really made her feel better was just looking up into Ryan's big blue eyes and feeling safe. She almost knew for sure if Ryan wasn't the reason they went to New York, she wouldn't of ever gone at all.

Their first night there before anything arrived, the two slept on the hardwood floor together staring up at the ceiling and laughing whenever they heard yelling outside on the street below. Pam laid her head on Ryan's chest and listened to his heartbeat before asking if he was nervous.

"Yeah, a little bit."

Pam turned her head before staring down at him and smiling.

"Well don't be, you're going to be great."

Now the two decided to put off unpacking and take a nice little walk around the city. First the two stopped by a nice deli a few blocks away and had lunch together. Afterwards both looked in a few bookshops and stores before Ryan took her to the more artsy side of town. Pam felt amazed, squeezing Ryan's hand, they strolled down small alley ways with beautiful paintings done up on the brick building walls. Homeless men played guitars, and women with scarf's read palms. Tons of college aged kids sat on stoops and painted and smoked cigarettes. Pam in all her life had never seen any place like this before.

Ryan took her into a small little art gallery where a girl in her twenties and mirrored sunglasses sat behind the counter. Ryan and Pam spent a good hour looking around before the woman noticed to two seemed interested in a beautiful painting of a star lit sky over the city.

"Dig that one huh?"

Ryan looked and smiled.

"Yeah it's great…"

"Beautiful in fact."

Pam added, holding onto Ryan's arm.

"Well if you're interested I'll sell it for two hundred."

"All right, we'll take it."

"Cool."

The girl added before walking back to the counter. Pam held onto Ryan's arm tighter before speaking in a lower voice.

"Ryan we don't have…"

"It's for you and our new apartment, come on."

Pam smiled as the girl came back and wrapped the painting up. As she did so, Pam couldn't help but feel the most overwhelming feeling of love for Ryan as he bragged about what a great artist Pam was.

"Really? What do you do?"

"Sketches mostly…been thinking about taking classes in a few months."

"Cool, you should really check out these places, they aren't big but they're the best. Really friendly and if you're interested in the bigger schools later on gets you in the right mindset."

The girl handed Pam a few cards and she smiled as Ryan looked over at them before taking the painting.

"Cool, thanks so much!"

"Anytime, catch you guys later."

An hour later they were back at the apartment and unpacking again. This time they were making pretty good time and things seemed easier once they got the mattress down. By dinner time, both collapsed on it and laughed. Nearly everything was now crammed into this little place. Laying there, Pam eyed their new painting hanging across the room. Somehow it felt right there.

Sliding her hand under Ryan's shirt, she felt his flat stomach and then tickled him. Ryan laughed before kissing her on top of her head.

"That painting is so pretty, thank you."

"It's our house warming gift. Just think, maybe in a little while one of your pieces will be hanging up here."

Pam smiled before Ryan kissed her head again and snuggled in closer.

"God I wish you could come with me on Monday."

Pam knew he was nervous and rubbed his stomach.

"You'll be fine. In fact you'll be great."

"Say, why don't we get some dinner?"

"Sure, tomorrow let's go clothes shopping for you…find some nice New York style for you."

"Oh great, it will be a fashion show."

"Well yeah, that's the whole reason I'm going. See you model some leather pants."

Ryan started cracking up before taking up one of her hands and kissing it.

That night, Ryan took her to a small little place a few blocks away. It was crowed but the pizza there was amazing and both sat in a back booth and shared a few glasses of wine. Both listened to the music that was playing on the jukebox and kept looking at each other and kissing.

Before eleven both walked hand in hand back to their apartment. While going up the stairs, Ryan looked at Pam with serious eyes and told her while he was at work he wanted to buy her some pepper spray. Pam couldn't stop laughing as they climbed the last of the stairs.

That night Pam made love to Ryan like she never did before. Throwing him down on the bare mattress, she straddled him and began unzipping his jeans a sly smile curled up on her face as he laughed and began breathing heavy while looking up at her.

An hour later, Ryan rolled off Pam gasping for air and his hair matted with sweat. Pam laid there, still trying to recover before looking at him. Ryan glanced back at her, both looked exhausted, yet blown away.

"Is it just me, or do I keep getting better and better?"

Pam laughed before rolling on top of him. Gently she began kissing Ryan's chest before slowly working herself down. Ryan meanwhile laid there, gripping the sheets and snapping his eyes closed before moaning out loud.

The next day Pam and Ryan charged nearly five hundred on their credit cards to get Ryan a brand new wardrobe for Monday. Pam right away felt out of place in her simply blouse and slacks once they hit the designer stores, but the sales clerks were more than helpful and Pam enjoyed picking out different things for Ryan to try out. Seeing him in all these new colors and styles made her think how even more handsome he seemed now.

Ryan then insisted to buy Pam a few things. At first Pam said no, that they had spent all ready too much money but Ryan said he wouldn't get a single thing until he bought her some stuff. So they changed places and Pam tried on two different dressed and a few blouses. Ryan sat in the dressing room whistling and clapping.

Afterwards they caught lunch and walked around the city some more, Pam didn't feel so homesick anymore and really the only thing that was bothering her was the fact Ryan was starting work the next day.

The next morning, Ryan got up at five and showered, Pam made herself wake up early and fix a pot of coffee and say goodbye to him before he left. Feeling nervous for him, she was shocked to see how classically handsome he looked in his three piece black suit and his hair gelled back.

Ryan seemed nervous, but before he left he grabbed his suitcase and kissed her deeply. Pressing his forehead against hers, he looked scared. Pam could smell his new cologne and liked it.

"Keep your cell phone on please…I might need to talk to you."

"Of course baby…"

"If you go out please be careful, and lock the door."

"I will, have a good day."

Ryan nervously smiled before kissing her and leaving. Pam watched him flag a taxi a few minutes later received a text from him saying he missed her. Pam smiled and held the cell phone close to her heart.

Cleaning up around the apartment, Pam finally got bored mid day and knew if she waited for Ryan to come home she would drive herself crazy. Grabbing her purse, she walked to the same gallery Ryan and her had bought the painting and spent a few hours talking with the same girl whose name was Jess. Both got to know each other and filled each other in on why they were in New York. Jess had just finished college and took over this gallery for her brother. Pam told her about the office, Ryan, and his new job. Both talked art, and the classes she might be interested in taking. They exchanged numbers and for the rest of the day Pam window shopped and had some coffee in a new bookstore she saw.

Grabbing takeout, she went back to the apartment and opened the bottle of wine she had just bought. Watching the clock, her heart leaped into her chest when she heard his keys open the door and come in.

Pam smiled and ran over before throwing herself in his arms. Dropping his suitcase, he squeezed her tight before she kissed him with all her might.

"Tell me everything!"

Ryan grinned, his eyes sparking.


	10. Chapter 10

_**One month later**_

"_**Thomas Newman - Whisper Of A Thrill"**_

"People keep calling me a wunderkind."

Ryan said making air quotes before smiling.

"I don't know even know what that means…well I do know what it means, it's when you're very successful for your age so I guess it makes sense. Just a weird word though…"

A few hours later Ryan came through the front door of his apartment to find Pam sitting Indian style and sketching with her hair drawn back in a loose ponytail. Pam looked up, her face clean of makeup and refreshed. Seeing Ryan dressed smartly in his dark suit and white and black tie, Pam thought he looked like the most handsome man in the world.

"You won't even believe what happened today."

Ryan said putting his leather suitcase on the small sofa that was near the edge of their bed. Pam smiled.

"What?"

"Michael hit Meredith with his car this morning."

Pam's jaw dropped.

"Get out!"

Ryan held back from laughing before shaking his head and taking a seat. Slowly he began kicking his shoes off.

"She's okay but she cracked her pelvis or something…so of course I had to deal with Michael's panicked calls most of the day."

Pam snickered before bending her head down and completely and laughing. Ryan loosened his tie and laughed himself.

It was the day before Halloween and a lot of things had been happening lately. Ryan had adjusted well to his new position in New York and really won over David Wallace with his new website idea. Having been working long hours, Pam took a little extra time getting used to living in the city since Ryan had been so busy. Hanging out at that art gallery, she became good friends with Jess and met her circle of friends who were all artist and beyond interesting. Picking up a few spare hours in the morning, Pam mostly talked art and was beginning to see the ups of living in New York. She loved the tiny little stores, galleys, and theaters. Pam thought maybe next month she might actually start talking a few courses that seemed interesting downtown.

Ryan meanwhile was working all the time and bringing home really good money. Just the week before David Wallace mentioned if the website was released as soon as Ryan was saying, there might be a very serious pay increase in store for him. Pam could tell he was excited and beyond proud of how well he was doing. He spent nearly all his nights working on the site on his laptop and was determined to make this as amazing as he was saying it would be.

Both were enjoying their new life's in New York and Pam's parents came to visit two weekends ago. They stayed at a small hotel not far away and acted impressed when Pam gave them a tour of their small apartment. Every Sunday she would call her mother and fill her in on anything new that was happening with Ryan or her. She was surprised she was even starting to like it here and wasn't even that homesick anymore.

In the middle of laughing, Ryan settled down before gazing at her with so much love it almost seemed dangerous. Pam's laughs turned to nervous giggles before she saw how serious he was looking.

"What?"

Pam asked smiling. Ryan reached over and touched her hand.

"Let's get married…tomorrow."

Pam at first thought he was joking, she laughed again and then fell silent.

"What?!"

"Let's get married."

"Tomorrow?"

Ryan smiled.

"Yeah tomorrow."

Suddenly Pam felt extremely overwhelmed. Sitting upright, she blinked before stuttering.

"But…tomorrow? I mean…"

"Pam, if you want to wait or want a big wedding that's fine. I just want to be with you, that's all."

Pam sat there and thought of her three year engagement to Roy. How so much time had been wasted on such stupid wasteful things. She remembered at one point how crazy it had made her and how much she had hated the idea of a big wedding which would only mean a waste of money and an excuse for everyone she knew to get drunk. Sure she wanted everyone to see her stand up with Ryan and make him her husband, but then she began thinking over her life and the idea of just sharing with moment with him seemed special. Looking into his handsome blue eyes she then knew…

She done waiting.

Smiling she took a deep breath.

"Okay."

Ryan looked surprised.

"Really?"

Pam laughed.

"Really."

Leaning over, Ryan's hands went through her hair before deeply kissing her. Smiling, Pam's heart fluttered and she knew this was the right choice.

An hour later both sat together on their bed on speaker phone with Pam's parents and Ryan's mother. Both held each other's hands and nervously laughed as they informed them about their plans. Ryan's mother was slightly caught off guard until she slowly said she would be more than happy to come. Ryan gave her his number and told her he would call again in the morning with all the rest of the info. Pam's parents were a little different. Both were shocked but her mother sounded thrilled and kept laughing at how sudden and exciting it was. Pam's father sounded a little angry but finally warmed up to the idea and insisted they call them in the morning.

After that both sat there wondering who else to invite. They wanted this small…family only. Pam couldn't think of anything else but Ryan was sure his mother would bring his brothers. After that the next question was…where?

Taking her out, the crisp cool air felt good against Pam's face. Walking out on the sidewalk with Ryan, she looked at the full harvest moon that seemed to stuck up above the now light velvet sky. Most of the shop windows were decorated with orange and black streamers. Pumpkins sat on stoops, and the breeze that was blowing was gentle yet refreshing.

They walked a little while before reaching central park. There they saw people taking horse and carriage rides and some dressed all ready up for tomorrow night. A man at a booth was selling apple cider and popcorn, and beautiful lit up string lights wrapped around all the red, orange, and gold trees.

They walked down one of the paths a little before Ryan stopped.

"There."

He pointed.

Pam looked and saw a beautiful clearing a little further in surrounded by trees. Pam, who was in a long sleeved sweater walked over to it before turning and smiling at Ryan.

"It's perfect."

Ryan grinned and opened his cell phone.

An hour later both stopped by an old costume shop that sold vintage clothes dating back to the turn of the century. Ryan and Pam kneeled beside each other on the second floor of the musty smelling shop and dug through an old trunk together while the owner, a lady in her sixties smiled and smoked her cigarette on a long gold holder. Ryan was making more than enough money to but Pam any dress she wanted and himself a designer suit, but this was Pam's idea and she found it funny Ryan now seemed more into it then her.

"Oh cool!"

Ryan took out a wine colored military styled jacket with snaps that looked beautiful.

"Please let it fit…"

Ryan shrugged it on and smiled. The sleeves were a little long but it looked amazing on him. Pam smiled.

"Oh my God you look amazing!"

The owner smiled.

"That's from the turn of the century, originally from Salem Mass."

Pam smiled.

"Probably worn by one of the judges who hanged all the witches."

Ryan checked the small paper price tag on the inner pocket and grinned.

"Yep…and this is their way of getting back at me."

Pam giggled before the owner walked over.

"Come on hon, I have beautiful Victorian style dresses that will look perfect on you."

A few minutes later Pam walked out with a zipped up wardrobe bag over one shoulder. Ryan who was standing by the counter, his new jacket wrapped up in plastic. Smiling he looked at her.

"So?"

Pam wiggled her nose at him.

"So?"

The owner was coming down the stairs, a small brown paper bag in her hands.

"And here's the jewelry, fine taste you two have. What an original thing to do for Halloween!"

Ryan eyed Pam before she smiled as the woman rang them up. The total made Pam burst out laughing as Ryan shook his head and asked if the store took credit cards. Usually Pam would feel horrible spending this much money, but thinking of how much her nightmare wedding to Roy would of cost she couldn't help but feel excited. After being wished luck by the owner, the two headed back to their apartment where Ryan said he still had a few calls to make. While walking, Ryan eyed the bag.

"So, are you going to let me see?"

Pam shook her head.

"Not until tomorrow, it's bad luck."

Ryan laughed before following her to their building.

Before he began making his calls, Pam showed him the vintage cufflinks she got him that went perfect with the jacket. By midnight the two were exhausted and Pam slept peacefully against Ryan's shoulder as he finished his calls and laid back feeling like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.

The next day went by in a complete blur for the two of them. Waking up early, Ryan treated Pam to a full breakfast at a nice restaurant. Sitting across from each other, Pam picked at her fruit before giggling like a little girl and telling him she never felt so nervous before in her life. Reaching across the table, Ryan squeezed her hand.

"I love you Pam."

Pam smiled, knowing she would never love anyone as much as she loved him.

"And I love you Ryan."

After that they went to city hall and signed a marriage license.

A few hours later their parents arrived. At first it was awkward, and very crowded in the apartment. Ryan's brothers arrived shortly after and everyone shared coffee and hellos. Finally Ryan decided to take Pam's father and his brother's out to run a few errands. Before leaving Ryan's older brother Mark joked to Pam if she was really sure she wanted to do this. Being elbowed by Ryan, he winked at Pam before leaving.

Pam stood there, staring at her mother and Ryan's before bursting out laughing. There the two of them decided to help her with her makeup and hair.

By dusk, they took a taxi to the park. Ryan told Pam he had taken care of everything but in the pit of Pam's stomach she worried something might be wrong or missing. Feeling her hands shake, her mother smiled at her and kissed her cheek.

After being helped down the path, they stopped behind some trees a few feet away.

Pam gasped.

The clearing was beautiful. Ryan had gotten the justice of the peace there and her father and his brothers were dressed in black suit jackets and wine colored ties. The colorful leafs were raked and put into beautiful piles that looked almost like an ail. There were almost beautiful string lights wrapped around the closer trees and the sun setting made the sky look a beautiful faded pink. Walking down the ail, clutching the beautiful dried roses Ryan's mother had bought her, she felt as if her heart was ready to stop. Meeting Ryan's eyes she smiled and stood beside him. Ryan stared at her vintage long sleeve lace dress and looked in awe. Everyone gathered around as the sun's last rays of light began to set.

Minutes later tears rolled down her face as the justice of the peace pronounced them man and wife. Both Ryan and Pam smiled and she couldn't help but feel a tug on her heart when she saw tears in his own eyes. Leaning forward, the two of them kissed as everyone clapped. Ryan and Pam laughed through the kiss before turning. Pam's mother had brought her old fashion black and white camera and snapped photos before everyone else lit up the sparklers they were holding. Pam laughed even harder before clutching onto Ryan's chest and feeling like the luckiest woman in the world.

A little while later everyone gathered for dinner at the same beautiful restaurant Ryan had taken her for dinner. Candles were lit and Ryan and Pam sat at the head of the table as everyone laughed and toasted drinks. Classical music played and Ryan and Pam even shared a dance for everyone to watch and whisper that the two looked so in love it almost seemed like a movie. They stayed dancing and drinking until the early hours of the morning when finally taxis were called and their families went back to their hotels.

Ryan and Pam walked together still in their wedding clothes, holding hands and laughing before stopping at an old fashion all night theater that looked like it was last popular back in 1955. Pam read what was playing and her eyes lit up.

"Giant! That's my favorite movie!"

Ryan looked and was surprised to see it had just started. Grinning he paid for two tickets.

"Not what I expected for a honeymoon, but if you find it romantic then let's check it out."

Pam squealed with delight as the women behind the counter eyed them strangely, most likely thinking they just came back from a party. Going in, there were only a few people sitting around, most of them either half way past out drunk, or in costumes and giggling in the darkness. Ryan and Pam found seats further back and Pam wrapped her arm around his. She wasn't even tired at all, in fact she felt wired. Looking at Ryan seemed so weird…he was her husband now. It was funny, thinking back on that snowy night where she broke her teapot and he was there to help her.

"I used to be in love with James Dean, he's so tragic."

Ryan smiled before gently kissing her on the nose.

"I love you Pam Howard."

Pam smiled.

"And I love you Ryan Howard."

Just as the credits began to roll, both snuggled close and watched the entire film.

By the time it let out, it was almost dawn. Both still very much awake walked out as others had to be helped out of their seats. Walking hand in hand, Pam smiled looking at the thin 5 o'clock shadow that Ryan had been sporting for the last month or so. As much as she loved it, she still remembered him when he was just the fresh faced temp that first caught her eye.

Both grabbed coffee and returned to their apartment. They had agreed to breakfast with everyone at eight. Knowing they had a few hours to catch up on sleep, both went back to their apartment talking about the movie and laughing. Once they were inside, Ryan rubbed the side of his face and smiled as Pam threw herself back on the bed still in her wedding dress.

"God you're beautiful."

Pam looked up at him and smiled.

Tugging off his jacket, Ryan kneeled down on the edge of the bed before gently pressed his lips against hers. Both of their hands held each other and their fingers laced. Ryan smiled as he pressed his face against hers.

"Just wait until Monday when everyone finds out what I did."

Pam smiled and felt the happiest she had in a very long time.

A week later Pam walked through the front door, jugging her purse, easel case, and tote bag. It was nearly eight and she couldn't wait to tell Ryan everything about her day. Ryan greeted her and helped her with her bags before she grinned.

"So how was it?"

Ryan's laptop was on the bed and he was now in sweats and a short sleeve black shirt. His beard was slowly coming more in now. On his finger was his white gold wedding band that had just come in along with Pam's.

"Oh my God it was amazing!"

Ryan smiled crossing his arms and listening as Pam talked about her first day at the art course she had decided to sign up for. It was only three days a week and taught at a small college five blocks away, but Pam seemed thrilled. At first she was nervous beyond belief, but Ryan told her she would be fine and if she didn't like it she could just take something else. That morning, after Ryan had left for work, Pam walked to the campus and felt overwhelmed as much younger students walked by her. Sitting in her class, Pam didn't know anyone and felt like the oldest there. Taking a deep breath, she sat down when finally the teacher came in and broke the ice making everyone laugh. By the end of the day she met a few students and felt much more relaxed sitting back free sketching while soft music played in the background. She talked with a few of the other students who were just as interesting as Jess from the gallery. She even met a single mother who was working part time while taking classes. Pam said she was from Scranton and that she moved here with her husband when he got a new job. Everyone seemed friendly and the teacher was more than friendly.

The entire ride back she couldn't wait to show Ryan her sketches and tell him about everything.

Talking a mile a minute, when she finally finished, her sketches and drawings scattered all over the kitchen table, Ryan was smiling.

"That's wonderful honey…"

Ryan leaned over kissing her before Pam nervously played with her hair.

"I don't know, maybe if this works out I can take a few more. I mean it's really cool."

Ryan leaned over looking at her drawings.

"These are really good, I might need your help with the website."

Pam's eyes lit up.

"Really?"

"Yeah for a logo, it's in its final stages. Thought you could draw up a few ideas if you're not busy."

"Oh my God Ryan that would be so awesome!"

Ryan grinned before rubbing the back of his neck.

"When do you have class again?"

"Not until Monday why?"

"Well guess who has to visit the Scranton branch to show them the new updates and changes."

Pam smiled as Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Really?"

"Yeah it's going to be overnight, you think you're parents will let us crash?"

"Sure, I'll call them tonight."

"I mean you don't have to go…"

"No it will be nice to visit, would you mind if I went to the office…I mean nobody knows about a little thing we did last week."

A smile curled up on Pam's face as Ryan laughed.

"Yeah sure, I might need to support. God knows Michael is going to tackle us when we walk through the front door."

Pam smiled before she noticed that sparkle in his eyes again. The same sparkle she couldn't get out of her head. The same sparkle that made her wonder if they ever had any children…would they have the same sparkle in their eyes? Finding this thought as funny, she pushed it away.

The next day both drove into the same town they had called home for what seemed like a lifetime. Seeing the welcome to Scranton sign seemed so strange and so unlike New York. Pam sat in the passenger seat and looked out the windows before Ryan's hand touched her neck and softly began to rub it. Looking over at him, she couldn't help but look forward to the look on everyone's faces once they saw how much Ryan had in fact changed.

"You look very handsome."

Ryan smiled at her.

"Thanks."

That's when they approached the building and Pam gulped.

"Oh God…"

Once they walked in, almost everyone froze. Pam had to blink when she saw the young woman named Erin sitting behind her desk answering calls. Right away her eyes lit up.

"Ryan ! Pam!"

"Hey Erin, is Michael in?"

Ryan asked. His messenger bag thrown over his shoulder. He had also brought a box full of brand new blackberries that were sitting in the trunk of his car waiting for the staff to now log onto and use.

Jim turned in his seat, he looked exactly the same and his eyes seemed shocked when they locked with hers. Just then Michael raced out of his office.

"HEY! THERE THEY ARE! THERE THEY ARE AND LOOK AT HIM HE HAS A BEARD!"

Pam and Ryan nervously smiled as Kevin raced up as well.

Michael giggled before looking at Ryan who stared Michael down with a smug unpleasant smile.

"He has facial hair! Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello Mister Sonny Crocket I'm Tubbs!"

Ryan didn't look like he was enjoying the joke and Pam felt his grip on her hand tighten.

"Okay, shall we get started."

Ryan began to take his bag off. Michael held back from laughing.

"Yeah let's get started because this is very serious business…"

Pam knew Ryan was pissed, he let go of her hand and glared at Michael and spoke to him as if he was a child.

"Yes this is a business meeting."

Just then Kevin past Pam, nearly knocking her over before ruffling Ryan's hair.

"FIRE GUY!"

Ryan jumped.

"Stop that!"

Pam saw Ryan tried to fake smile as Michael laughed.

"That's right. Don't start any fires!"

Andy then leap up from his chair and began dancing around like a madman in front of Ryan.

"Fire guy!"

"You weren't here for that."

Kevin said. Andy looked confused.

"What?"

"When he started the affair."

Michael stared at Ryan like he was a new puppy.

"Look how big he is! You are so mature and big and a little old man now. A little man."

" Little old man boy."

Kevin added. Pam saw Ryan was getting embarrassed and sudden remembered why she really hadn't missed this place.

"Okay, Michael everybody…"

"Bearded old man boy…"

"Let me say something, I know I used to be a temp here. But now everything is different, I would like your respect. I am your boss now, I would like you to treat me the same way you treated Jan."

Michael of course made a noise.

"Oh wow, that's a little kinky. Don't swing that way! I think Ryan has a little gay crush on me!"

Pam wanted to die as Kevin and him laughed, that's when Ryan snapped.

"Enough! This is inappropriate and it stops now!"

Even Pam found herself jumping slightly at the volume of Ryan's voice. The entire office fell silent as Michael just stared at Ryan.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes…everyone come on settle down, let's be serious. Ryan has a very important presentation to do which will be held in the conference room in ten minutes?"

Ryan kept staring at Michael.

"Perfect."

His voice sounded flat."

"Wait…Ryan why are you wearing a wedding band?"

Kevin asked in his flat and dull voice. That's when Pam wanted to clutch onto Ryan's hand the worst. Everyone looked and Pam saw Jim freeze. Ryan looked over, still looking as though he was cooling off from the last comment made by Michael.

"Pam and I got married last weekend in New York."

"Oh…my…God!"

Michael yelled, forgetting completely Ryan snapped at him. Just as predicted, Michael charged in for a hug for Ryan who he stepped back and avoided.

"Michael please…"

Michael ignored this grabbed Pam, squeezing her with all his might.

"How dare you elope without us? We all wanted to see you become Mister Ryan Howard!"

Pam felt uncomfortable as Michael squeezed her even tighter, past the point of being able to breathe. Looking over Michael's shoulder, her eyes pleaded for help at Ryan who quickly came forward and tugged on Michael's arm.

"Come on Michael…"

Michael let go, letting an unlimited supply of oxygen rush into Pam's lungs. Michael laughed before teasing Ryan some more.

"Awe look everyone, he's over protective. How sweet."

Pam saw Ryan was making a tight closed fist with his hand.

A few minutes later once Michael disappeared into his office giggling and Ryan went to set up, Kelly nearly knocked her down with a million questions.

"Oh my God! I can't believe you and Ryan got married! That is so sweet! Tell me everything! What was your dress like? Did you get married in a church? What songs did you play? Was it romantic? Have you seen any famous people in New York yet?"

Pam was overwhelmed and glanced over at Jim who wouldn't even look at her.

During Ryan's presentation, Pam sat off to the side and had to admit, she did miss some of the craziness that did happen here. Ryan had set up power point and was trying to show them how the new website would expand sales. Pam caught Jim looking at her a few times, his eyes looking heartbroken. Afterwards, Pam and Ryan grabbed some bottled water in the kitchen. Smiling, she looked around.

"Weird huh?"

Ryan looked disgusted.

"Yeah, like a nightmare."

Just then Michael poked his head in asking to see him. Ryan rolled his eyes before following him. Pam stood there for a few moments before eying Erin at her old desk. Sighing, she glanced at her wedding band before Jim walked in.

"Hey Beesly…or should I say Howard."

Pam nervously smiled.

"Hey Jim."

"So how Scranton compared to New York?"

Pam smiled leaning against the counter.

"It's…well…I really can't say."

Jim laughed, reminding her of her old friend.

"So, anything else…other then you now being a married woman."

Pam hoped this wouldn't get awkward.

"Well…I'm taking art classes."

"Are you? No way!"

Pam smiled.

"Yeah, it's only one so far since I'm still getting used to the city…but it's really cool. In fact you should see the galleys there, it's amazing."

"Just the place for an artist like you huh?"

Pam smiled.

"Yeah…"

Both stared at each other for a second before Pam glanced down at her shoes.

"So…how's life for you?"

"Good…boring, you know."

"Any new ladies in your life?"

Jim stared again.

"I wish…"

Just then Pam saw Ryan leave Michael's office looking rather annoyed. Just then Jan walked in, wearing sweats and her hair in a ponytail. Both bumped into each other and right away Pam knew the exchange would be horrible.

"Hey, I better go out there, we'll catch up later…"

"Yeah sure, see you around Beesly…I mean Howard."

Pam nervously smiled before leaving, She wanted to leave and go back home.

Of course Michael made a fool of himself again when he hosted his own meeting later that afternoon right before Ryan and Pam planned on leaving. What was supposed to be Ryan showing everyone how to work their new blueberries, Michael made a point of showing how no matter how old you are, you can still sell paper. Ryan was beyond annoyed and sat back shaking his head. Pam sat beside, cringing yet again and having so many memories of her years here. Finally when it finished, Ryan and Michael walked out first. Pam followed before Phyllis stopped her.

"Hey Pam, I was wondering if you could show us some photos of the wedding?"

"Yeah sure, there's some on Ryan's cell…hold on."

Going out of the meeting room, she saw Michael and Ryan talking. Ryan looked like he was about the pop a blood vessel.

"Well I look forward to hearing your ideas!"

He said as Michael went into his office. Pam right away raised an eyebrow.

"Everyone okay?"

She lipped.

Ryan shrugged.

"Let's go…"

"Hold on a sec, I want to show Phyllis and Kelly a few photos from the wedding, can I see your cell?"

Ryan dug into his pocket taking out his own blackberry and handing it to her.

"Hurry up though, God knows what else he's going to pull."

Pam smiled before turning and seeing Jim standing near Phyllis and Kelly near the back desks. Sighing, she went over.

"Okay here they are…"

Pam clicked them on and noticed Jim was leaning forward to look. Right away Kelly gasped.

"Oh my God it looks so beautiful! Your dress is amazing!"

Pam blushes smiling.

"Where did you guys get married?"

"Central park, Halloween at dusk…it was a last minute thing but everything worked out great."

Phyllis smiled as Pam clicked forward with the photos, when one came of Ryan and Pam kissing she saw Jim's eyes drop.

"Hey Pam you ready?"

Pam looked across at Ryan who was getting their coats.

"Yeah coming."

"It's really beautiful Pam, you're wicked lucky."

Pam eyed Ryan being smiling.

"Yeah…I am."

Jim looked across at Ryan and sighed.

Turning, Pam met Ryan who helped her with her coat. Kelly and Phyllis smiled before saying what a cute couple they made. Finally hearing enough Jim went to his desk to get is things. He looked as though he couldn't take it any longer.

Pam slipped her hand into Ryan's before they walked down the stairs and into the windy night. It was getting really cold out now.

"Maybe we should invite your parents up to New York this Thanksgiving…might be avoiding Scranton as much as possible."

Pam laughed before giving him his blackberry back.

"Come on, don't lie…you miss it."

Ryan rolled his eyes before helping her into the car. A half an hour later they arrived at Pam's parents where her old car now sat in the driveway. Right before leaving for New York she sold it to her parents. Going inside they had a nice dinner before going into Pam's old bedroom for the night. Ryan took a long shower and came out with a towel wrapped around his waist. Pam laid back on the bed, laughing at her old 90210 posters before clicking on the TV. Ryan came in, hanging his shirts up in the closet before walking over to her and sighing.

"My God I'm exhausted…"

Pam laughed before stretching out.

"You really want to go back tomorrow?"

Ryan sighed again.

"I have to…if you don't it's cool, you can hang with your mother."

"And leave you alone for Michael? No thanks."

Ryan laughed before getting into some sweats and laying beside her. Taking her hand he kissed it.

"I'm glad I'm married to you."

Pam smiled before kissing his scruffy cheek.

"And I'm glad I'm married to you."


	11. Chapter 11

_**Six months later**_

"Oh my God, it's beautiful!"

Pam said as she walked across the penthouse apartment. The entire place was empty but seemed like a mansion compared to their tiny apartment downtown. One wall was completely made out of glass and gave a beautiful view to the city. Her heels clicking, Pam twirled around before smiling.

"We can afford this?"

Ryan stood grinning and leaning against the doorway before nodding. He never looked so proud before in his life.

"Now we can."

Pam laughed before running down the hall to check out the bedrooms. Ryan followed, his hands stuffed in his pockets and amused by how excited Pam was.

The penthouse had three large bedrooms, two baths, a office, a beautiful kitchen with marble flooring, and a huge balcony. Just last month Ryan had gotten his much deserved pay raise and first paycheck made Pam's eyes nearly pop out of her head.

Things were going great in New York. They spend the holidays alone and shared a romantic weekend up in the mountains before seeing in the New Year together while drinking champagne and dancing. Pam was now taking four art classes, one which involved sculpting. Now feeling more outgoing she had collected a good amount of friends who she had class with and shared the same common interest. Some nights when Ryan was working late, a bunch of them would go to the local coffee shops and just sit around talking art and politics for all hours. In her spare time she hung out at different galleries and worked on her projects. Ryan mentioned how much better she was getting, while Pam still dreamed maybe one day having one of her pieces would be in a real serious show. Feeling this was her own private goal, she pushed herself twice as hard.

Ryan meanwhile was working non-stop. The website had been a huge success and bringing new ideas to the company was making him one of the most value members of Dunder Mifflin. Going to board meetings, and visiting other branches, Ryan was always working and checking reports. Pam had gone along with him two other times to Scranton but now with her classes taking up so much time Ryan had been visiting himself. Every evening when he came back from his visits and he looked beyond exhausted and annoyed she couldn't help but laugh. Of course he filled her in on the craziness, and how annoying Michael was getting. It seemed the week before hand Michael and everyone made a very over the top TV spot for Dunder Mifflin and was of course denied. Ryan shook his head asking Pam if she ever thought for once those people would act normal. Pam replied giggling and saying she honestly didn't know.

When the money started to really come in Pam was surprised by Ryan nearly every day. It all started with romantic dinners at very fancy restaurants uptown. Then taking her to a couple of Broadway shows and museums. Soon Pam came home nearly every night to always find a little something waiting for her either on the kitchen table or bed. First it was a set of beautiful diamond earrings in which Pam was completely shocked when she opened them. When Ryan came home that night Pam asked how much they cost and how crazy he was since she really wasn't a jewelry wearer to begin with. Smiling as he dropped his bag off on the couch he told her she didn't have to worry about that and as for not being a big fan of jewelry…well he would soon change that. That night Pam wore only the earrings to bed as a little thank-you to Ryan in return. Next came the dozen of roses she got almost every time she came home from class, always a romantic note from Ryan in which she had started to collect and keep in the bottom of her nightstand where she kept her diary and art supplies. A week later was a beautiful gold necklace, then a watch, then another painting she had eyed when they went shopping the week before. The gifts all seemed to add up and Pam couldn't believe it. She really never was one to care about such things, but whenever she gave him a hard time about it and said he didn't have to, she all ready knew how much he cared for her…he seemed upset. One afternoon while calling and updating her mother, she suddenly came to the reasoning that maybe this was Ryan's way of feeling like he really had reached success. Pam remembered even when they were first dating that he had promised to give her a better life and prove to everyone that he was more than just a temp. Deciding not to make this any further of an issue, she accepted the gifts and did enjoy the glimmer in Ryan's eyes whenever she unwrapped a new gift or whenever he treated her to something. Somehow being able to use his black card or take out hundred dollar bills from his wallet without even thinking made him feel better…most of all when he was doing it for her.

But Pam enjoyed a simple life. She loved Ryan, she loved her taking these classes, she loved her new life here, and she loved the fact she had escaped all her past mistakes.

In early spring both were treated to a few extra tickets from David Wallace to some very high profile fashion shows during fashion week. Pam who really felt the most comfortable in sweaters and slacks felt slightly out of place, but the day before Ryan blew nearly seven hundred on a brand new sun dress just for her. Pam said he was crazy for spending such money and was going to return it right away. Ryan told her he wanted her to feel beautiful and bought a matching white three piece suit that was just as expensive. Dressing better and style had become a huge part of Ryan's life now. Treating Pam to the salon whenever she wanted, he admitted he liked her look just the way it was. Pam agreed yet let herself be pampered at the spa while Ryan got a very pricy haircut done.

Their apartment was crowded now and there was hardly any place to move. Ryan kept tripping over stuff in the middle of the night and one morning when Pam barked her shin against the kitchen table, Ryan seemed so angry he nearly threw it over.

"I'm sick of this place!"

He mentioned maybe looking for a bigger place, but Pam didn't take him serious. Instead she went along taking her classes and enjoying city life until he finally came home early one evening with news that a guy from the company he went to the gym with mentioned his old place was going on the market and he was willing to put in a good word for them.

Bringing up a photo on his laptop for Pam, she laughed at first.

"If we can afford that then I'm the queen of England."

But that's when she began looking around at their clutter of an apartment. Designer clothes, her jewelry, her pricy supplies, their TV, even their wedding bands…all things that really added up. Was Ryan really making that much money?

A few weeks past and Pam started seeing how much for social she was becoming. Ryan now had his own circle of friends from the office, and Pam had hers from school. She began to attend more dinner parties with him and not feel so much like an outsider. His friends seemed nice enough and slowly she was getting to know all the wife's and girlfriends. Weekends Ryan would take her along with a small group of his friends to different bars and nightclubs. This really wasn't Pam's scene but being able to see how much energy Ryan had on the dance floor was enough enjoyment for her. Most Fridays and Saturdays they would spend nearly the entire night dancing and drinking before collapsing back at home.

Now here they were, looking at their new apartment.

"Do you like it?"

Ryan asked, sounding nervous. Pam had her back facing him and looked around at all the bare white walls and hardwood floors. It was amazing, almost something you might see out of a movie. Standing there she smiled before turning

"Yeah…I do."

Smiling he went over and deeply kissed her before holding her face and looking into his eyes.

"I told you I would take care of everything…"

He whispered before kissing her down her neck. Smiling, Pam held him and knew this meant the world to him.

A few weeks later they moved out of their small apartment, in which Pam deep down inside knew she would miss. Even though they had only lived there for a short period time, and it had been way too overpriced and small…she knew it would hold a special place in her heart since there's the apartment Ryan and her decided to get married in.

Moving in had been run and at one point Ryan and her had gotten into a complete war throwing the bubble popcorn the movers used to pack their stuff. Laughing and feeling like little kids they ran around their huge apartment and didn't even start unpacking until the next day.

Ryan's mother, and Pam's parents came in for a visit a week later and were beyond stunned at how well Ryan and her were doing. The apartment was amazing and Ryan had given her his credit card and told her to buy anything she wanted to fix up the place.

Now here they were, nearly summer again and sitting up in bed in their new home.

It was late, and Ryan was sitting dressed only in Pajama pants while typing away on his laptop checking reports. Pam sat up beside him in a tank top and her hair tied back in a ponytail. Sketching for the next day, Pam's thoughts kept drifting in and out as she eyed their flat screen TV across the way where some news program was playing, and then down at her piece of paper.

That's when she eyed Ryan.

It was still so funny whenever she began thinking on how he was really her husband. It seemed so right, yet so strange at the same time. Often, on nights like this she would catch herself staring at him. Studying every inch of him and every feature. His eyes, his beard, his chin, his lips…it all seemed so perfect. Looking down at his left hand she saw his white gold wedding band on his finger as he typed. She stared at his chest and how it slowly rose and fell as he breathed.

She decided it was no or never to tell him what was on her mind.

Three of her friends she knew from school, and from Ryan's circle were all ready parents. One of them was pregnant, and her teacher in still life was expecting her third. It seemed as though everywhere she went she saw children. Women in the park pushing strollers, or cute little babies crying at the market as their mothers tried to sooth them. Pam began to find herself slowing down whenever she past a display window with nursery items, or smile whenever a baby or a little kid was around. A few of her friends had mentioned when she planned on having kids of her own. Pam surprised herself in telling them she couldn't wait in fact. Just a few days ago on the phone with her mom she couldn't help but smile when her mom said how beautiful Ryan and her children would be.

Now the more she watched Ryan, the more she began getting that funny little urge.

"Ryan?"

Ryan glanced over.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"When we have kids, do you think they're going to get my eyes or yours?"

She lazily smiled before moving in closer to him. Ryan nervously laughed before shaking his head.

"I don't know…"

"I hope they get ours…I mean how adorable would that be?"

Ryan then closed his laptop before giving Pam a funny look.

"Got something on your mind?"

Pam felt nervous, yet knew if she couldn't talk about this to her own husband…then who could she talk about it with? Sitting more up and setting her sketches aside she took a deep breath.

"What are your thoughts on having kids?"

Ryan looked slightly caught off guard and stared at her.

"What?"

"Kids…we've never had this talk before. What do you think of kids?"

"Well unmm…I like kids."

Pam smiled, he looked so cute whenever he got nervous.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…kids are good."

"Would you ever like to have them?"

"Sure…someday."

Pam's heart dropped slightly.

"Someday?"

"Pam…are you pregnant?"

"God no!"

Ryan let out a deep breath before smiling.

"Oh…okay…"

Pam reached over and began rubbing his arm.

"Would that have been bad news if I was?"

"Of course not…a little bit of a surprise but…"

"Well answer my question then."

"What?"

"About kids, do you want to have them."

"Sure I want to have them Pam…do you?"

"Well that's why I'm asking. I know I might be rushing into things…but I've been thinking a lot."

"Pam…listen."

Pam took a deep breath, she knew this was coming…the truth.

"I want to have kids with you, hell I want ten kids with you."

Pam giggled as Ryan went on.

"But seeing how we just got married, and work has been so crazy lately…there's still a lot of sorting out we have left to do. I mean when we have a baby I don't want some nanny to raise it, I want to be a hands on dad…and I'm sure you feel the same."

"Of course."

"I just it's too soon. Maybe in a few years once things settle down. I mean we haven't even been living in the city for a year."

Pam nodded, she felt disappointed yet knew Ryan was making good points.

"I know…"

"Besides, I want it just to be the two of us for a while…enjoy each other."

Pam forced a smile and nodded.

"I agree."

Ryan then closed his laptop and put it to the side. Smiling he leaned over and gathered her up in his arms. Pam at first didn't think she would want to. For some crazy reason she half expected Ryan to get really excited over the idea of a baby and tell her he wanted one right away. Instead she was faced with reality and knew he was right. Letting him kiss her down her neck, Pam laid back and shut her eyes.

The image of a baby still wasn't going away.

That night Pam was woken up the sound of Ryan leaving the room. Opening her eyes, she found herself laying in the middle of their full sized bed that was covered in Egyptian sheets and plush feather filled white comforters and pillows. The central air was on since it was all ready starting to warn up, and still that funny shampoo clean smell the bedroom white carpet filled the room. Almost the same smell you would expect to find in a nice hotel room. Laying there, Pam blinked away the sleep before seeing Ryan's side empty. Frowning, Pam sensed something was wrong and threw back the comforter before tiptoeing down the hallway.

The apartment still felt very empty. Having moved in less than a month ago there were still piles of boxes and unpacked things. Ryan's office was full of clutter and papers seemed to cover his entire desk. Pam was sharing that space with him and all her sketches and art supplies seemed to be overtaking the room.

Their new paintings hung on the walls, along with a few of Pam's that Ryan insisted they frame. The living room had a brand new leather sofa and a fancy marble coffee table with candles on it. Ryan told her once her classes let out for the summer she would most likely have the time to fix up the place and make it their own. There was still a lot more furniture to buy, and a million more ideas on how to make the place seem more like home.

Rubbing her eyes, Pam walked out to find Ryan sitting on the sofa rubbing one of his feet. Raising an eyebrow, Pam walked in. All of the lights were off expect for the small baby spot lights that were under the counters in the kitchen. The window that gave the beautiful view shinned enough light from the glittering skyline below.

"Ryan?"

Ryan looked up, his eyes looked tired and she knew he had a meeting in a couple of hours.

"Did I wake you?"

Pam shook her head.

"What's wrong baby?

"My fucking feet, their killing me."

Along with marrying Ryan, she had also become a very good expert on diabetes. Having talked with his mom a few times she had done enough research and reading to know what he was suffering from was nerve pain. Sighing, Pam walked over before sitting beside him.

"When did it start?"

"About an hour ago…ah!"

Ryan made a face before Pam reached over and gently rubbed his foot with her hand.

"Let's get you into a hot bath, that will make you feel better."

Ryan checked his watch before sighing.

"Jesus I have to be up in five hours…"

"Don't worry about that come on…"

A few minutes later Ryan sat up in the beautiful marble bathtub in the master bedroom and set the steaming hot water relax him. Pam was sitting on the edge of the tub checking the warmth before reaching in and gently rubbing his feet.

"Feel better?"

Ryan rubbed the side of his scruffy face before sighing.

"Yeah a lot…thanks honey."

Pam frowned before looking at him, he seemed so tired.

"I think you have been working yourself too hard. You know what your doctor said…you shouldn't be on your feet all the time."

Ryan waved his hand at her looking annoyed.

"That doctor wants me to spend the rest of my life living in a plastic bubble."

"Your blood sugar wasn't that hot earlier…I think your overworked."

Ryan laughed shaking his head.

"The protective wife…"

"I'm serious…"

Pam reached into the warm water nearly to her elbow to rub his bad foot. Sighing, she stared at him.

Ryan tried to smile.

"Come on in, I'm lonely."

Pam smiled before slowly slipping out of her clothes and making Ryan move aside as she slipped in.

"Wow the water is nice…"

Setting down in the huge tub that fit both of them perfectly, Pam began rubbing Ryan's chest before kissing him on the cheek.

"Just promise me you'll take care of yourself."

Ryan looked down at her before nodding.

"I promise."

The two spent nearly an hour soaking in the tub before both began to feel like prunes. Getting out and drying off, the two fell back into bed sleeping in each other's arms. The next morning Pam woke up to a single rose on his neatly made side of the bed and a note.

_Pam,_

_Sorry I worried you last night. It's nothing really; I wish you wouldn't get so upset, but I do promise to not try and push myself anymore. I think you're right…maybe all this running around since the move has gotten to me. No need to worry though Pam…please don't. Another this is I want to let you know I did take what you said last night serious. I'm just so crazy about you I guess I'm selfish and I want you all to myself. Ha, ha. Don't worry though…we'll have ourselves a beautiful little red head of a baby one day. I promise. I love you! – R_

Pam smiled finishing the note before smelling the rose. That's when she knew she was married to the most amazing man in the world.

Ryan came home that night and in fact his blood sugar was low. Forced to eat frozen yogurt that night while Pam ate ice cream, she kept teasing him before he lunged at her and playfully both began rolling around on the ground covered in melted goo. Laughing, he raised her shirt and tickled her before she begged for mercy. Both kept laughing before Ryan deeply kissed her and she gently tugged on his hair.

The next few months were good ones for them.

Pam had informed her mother of the talk she had with Ryan about children. She worried that maybe she was pushing too hard and might have freaked him out. Pam's mother told her not to be so silly and that it sounded like Ryan as in fact really taking her seriously, but was right so a lot of accounts. They had just gotten married that fall, and had just moved into the city. Ryan was working all the time, and if Pam felt that passionate about her art maybe the baby idea could wait. Pam's mother told her nothing was wrong with her and that it was natural for a woman her age to start getting the urge to have children of her own. Pam felt slightly lonely inside but agreed and decided to do exactly what Ryan wanted.

To just enjoy each other.

That summer Ryan and Pam did just that.

They attended parties together, moved around the social network of clients and business partners Ryan had. They visited museums and shows, and attended many art openings. Ryan was working non-stop, but seemed so proud of what direction Dunder Mifflin was going in. Pam meanwhile had aced all her classes and was taking the summer off. Ryan and her on the weeks were slowly starting to make their huge apartment their own and enjoy the city.

Pam would visit Ryan at his office, usually at his lunch breaks and both would go out to different delis or get coffee together. They visited Scranton to visit their families, but Pam hadn't been to the office in months, nor did she really have any reason to want to go. Both enjoyed going to the night clubs together and dancing and drinking until their heads felt like they were about to pop off. Pam had fun that summer and by the end f August, the apartment looked amazing and Pam had received great news.

Her teacher from this past spring was having an art show at his gallery and wanted a few of Pam's pieces shown. Pam nearly fainted when she read the email and raced to Ryan's office as fast as she could. Nearly busting through the door, Pam began jumping up and down. Ryan looked up from his computer and stared at her as if she was crazy.

"I'm in a real art show Ryan!"

Ryan jumped up from his desk as Pam began talking a mile a minute filling him in on everything. Just as excited, Ryan couldn't stop smiling and hugged her tight.

"That's great Pam!"

That following week Pam stressed out over what pieces she would use. Inviting her parents, she was disappointed to learn a day before hand her father had the flu and that they were going to miss it. Seeing how bummed out she was, Ryan called all his business friends and a huge crowd arrived that night just to see Pam's pieces. Impressed, Pam's teacher gave her his card and mentioned something about another showing next year. The two celebrated that night over dinner and couldn't stop smiling. That night they made love and Pam laid awake the rest of the night unable to stop feeling so excited and happy for herself. This really was a dream come true.

September came and one evening both sat on the sofa watching CNN and sharing a bottle of wine. Pam had been sketching earlier and now simply laid across Ryan as he gently rubbed her arms. Out of nowhere, Pam heard Ryan clear his throat.

"Okay."

Pam looked up at him.

"Huh?"

"Okay, let's have a baby."

Pam shot up like a bullet, she didn't think she had heard right.

"Really?"

Ryan smiled before nodding. Throwing her sketch pad to the side Pam attacked Ryan on the sofa and covered him with a million kisses before thanking him. Laughing through the kisses, Ryan held onto her.

A baby…

Pam thought.

Now she really knew she was dreaming.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Two months later**_

"Wish you didn't have to go."

Pam said as she hiked herself up on one elbow and pulled the sheets up around her. Ryan stood across the room buckling his belt and fixing his tie in the full length mirror that hung on their walk in closet. It was nearly six in the morning and Ryan was off to yet another board meeting. Outside, the city was still just waking up. The sky looked overcast and traffic was just starting to build up. Inside the central air felt comfortable, and Pam couldn't help but feel wide awake and wired at this early hour.

Ryan turned, looking the exact image of perfection.

"Are you taking a test later on?"

Pam nodded before Ryan went over to his dresser and took out two silver cufflinks. Putting them on he smiled across at Pam before winking at her. Walking over, he leaned over and gently kissed her on the forehead.

"Wait to take the test okay?"

Pam's brow wrinkled before she smiled up at him.

"Huh?"

"Well…if it ends up being what we want it to be…I wanna be there."

Pam couldn't help but find how cute he sounded. Smiling, she reached up and touched his scruffy rough cheek.

"Okay, I'll wait."

Ryan grinned before kissing her quick and standing up to grab his bag.

"Love you Pam."

He called out; a minute later she heard the front door and laid back down starring at the ceiling. This morning Ryan and had her gotten up together at five when his alarm went off and both had sex for nearly a half an hour. For the last few weeks Pam had stopped taking the pill and both had looked forward to a couple of weeks of nonstop sex and then within the end of the month finding out they were pregnant. It all seemed so easy and romantic in their heads when they finally decided to start trying. The only person who knew about them starting was Pam's mother, who wished them the best of luck and said since they were so young they would more than likely get pregnant before the end of the summer. Pam was nervous about such a decision, but both Ryan and her had talked about it and finally decided that's what they wanted. Pam was never the type of woman who would want to wait five or six years after she got married to start a family, she knew from the moment she finally woke up to the fact that she loved Ryan, that she wanted to have kids with him right away. Something she never felt with Roy.

Pam was worrying about all different types of things, mostly how much things would change once she got pregnant. At first she wanted to truly know if this was what Ryan wanted, she didn't want him to think she was forcing or rushing him into anything. Late one night over coffee, Ryan admitted he had always wanted kids and really never thought at this age he would seriously be thinking about having them. But then again…he didn't think he would be working in New York and being married to the most wonderful woman in the world at this age. Both decided to take it slow, they would deal with things as they came towards them…and of course deal with them together.

So for the last few weeks the two of them would make love in the morning before he went to work, then again in the evening, and once more at night. The two usually made love every other night depending on how exhausted Ryan was from work. Their sex life before they started trying to get pregnant had been very successful and passionate. As shocking as it seemed, Ryan was the best sex Pam ever had. He wasn't selfish in bed, and could go for what seemed like hours. He was always so gentle, yet so serious whenever he stared at her. Ever since they became intimate a few months into dating, both couldn't seem to get enough of each other. Feeling like teenagers, they would make out on the sofa together while Ryan was trying to finish reports, and Pam was trying to get some extra projects done. The two would shower, and always be sneaking kisses and feels to each other. Both were crazy being next to each other, and still had butterflies whenever they were looking into each other's eyes. Pam never felt like way with anyone before and still had to laugh at how sometimes she could write Pam Howard over and over again in her sketchpads. Now since they started trying, both were excited. The first night both were almost positive they had done it. They took a test a few days later and when it was negative, Ryan shrugged it off and told her not to worry. They kept having sex, and Pam bought plenty of pregnancy tests. She hoped it would happen sooner than expected; she knew how badly she wanted this and knew how much Ryan was looking forward to it.

Slipping out of bed, Pam dressed before fixing herself breakfast. Deciding to go to the gallery for a little bit, she left the apartment feeling very good about herself. That evening, Pam came home with a few new books and paint brushes. Lately whenever Ryan was working in his office on the computer, Pam would sit a few feet away trying new ideas with paint splashes and still life. Her favorite thing to draw was Ryan. In fact, unknown to him she had at least six dozen sketches and small paintings of him she had drawn over the last two years. Some, as creepy as it sounded were of him when he was sleeping. Usually whenever she had trouble sleeping she would slip out of bed and just grab her stuff and draw him. Somehow, it made her feel better. Other times were when he was working at home, or sitting beside her. She wanted to surprise him one day…maybe in a few months after she got pregnant.

Starting dinner, Pam out on the stereo softly and lit a few candles before hearing the door open. Ryan walked in, tired looking yet happy to see her.

"Hey hon."

Pam smiled standing at the counter as she chopped peppers.

"Hey, how was your day?"

Ryan shrugged before putting his bag down and losing his tie.

"Oh same as always. Got a pile of reports to look over and then I need to update some new stuff on the website."

Walking over, he went behind her and slipped his hands around her before gently raising her shirt. His hand going underneath, he cupped her breast before gently kissing her against her neck. Pam smiled, setting down the knife before leaning back.

"I missed you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Pam smiled before Ryan slowly turned her so she could face him. Smiling, he touched the side of her face before kissing her.

"You didn't take it yet did you?"

Pam smiled through the kiss before shaking her head.

"No, I waited."

"Good."

A few minutes later, Pam opened the bathroom door as Ryan nervously waited on the edge of the bed. Changing, he slipped his shoes off and smiled up at her with his big blue eyes. She could tell he was excited. Holding the plastic strip in her hands, Pam felt as though her hands were shaking. Walking over, her stomach began going into knots. Sitting beside him she sighed.

"So…"

Ryan looked at her.

"So…how long do these things take again?"

"Another minute."

"Oh."

Ryan nodded before looking down at the floor. Pam sat there for what seemed like the longest minute of her life. That's when she really began to think. This one plastic strip could change their future. Thinking more about it, she wasn't scared…in fact she wanted this more than anything. Thinking of Ryan and her having a baby made her heart flutter in her chest.

That's when Ryan's hand slipped into hers.

Pam looked at him, smiling before looking at the test and taking a deep breath.

Negative.

Pam's heart dropped.

Glancing over, she saw the disappointment in Ryan's eyes. Sighing, he lifted her hand up and kissed it.

"That's okay…next time."

Pam lowered the test before slowly nodding.

"Yeah…I guess you're right."

A month later Pam still hadn't gotten pregnant. Deciding to visit her doctor who she had just started seeing, she expressed her frustration on how nearly three months in she hadn't gotten pregnant yet. She was perfectly healthy, and had just started reading up different tips on the internet on how to conceive. Her doctor gave her some vitamins, and told her not to worry. That she was still young and that there was plenty of different things Ryan and her could be trying. Giving her a packet, and his good wishes, Pam walked out of there trying to stay positive. That night Pam welcomed Ryan with a very affectionate kiss, and told him she had a few ideas.

Then autumn came and so didn't their first year anniversary. They celebrated it together walking in the park arm in arm. Later, Ryan took her out to dinner where he mostly talked work before noticing something was wrong.

"Pam what is it?"

Pam shrugged.

"Nothing…"

Ryan then looked over her shoulder and saw a young couple sitting at the table across from them. In the young woman's hands was a newborn baby. Biting his bottom lip, Ryan sighed before reaching across the table and holding her hand.

"Pam?"

Pam lifted her eyes and looked at him, he could tell something was on her mind.

"You okay?"

"Yeah…I guess I just thought…well never mind."

Ryan frowned while Pam picked at her food.

That night while Ryan was slowly kissing Pam's naked body as she laid in the darkness of their bedroom, he promised he would give her a baby…no matter how hard it was.

Another month past…and still no baby.

Pam threw down what seemed like the hundredth negative pregnancy test into the wastepaper basket and sighed. Calling her mother, right before the holidays she expressed how much this was getting her down. Ryan and her were spending Christmas in the city together since David Wallace was throwing a huge private party on Christmas eve for everyone in the city. Pam privately wanted to see her parents, but knew how stressed and overworked Ryan had been and showing up to this party meant a lot to him. Calling and talking to her mother seemed like her only real lifeline outside of the city. Lately she had been expressing how worried she had been since she hadn't gotten pregnant yet. She told her mother how hard they had been trying and how her doctor said everything seemed fine. Her mother was supportive, and told her not to worry. That when she was trying to have her it took nearly over a year. She just needed to late mother nature take its course.

After the holidays Pam was beyond depressed when she got her period. Overwhelmed, Pam sat in the living room crying when Ryan walked in. He froze when he saw her puffy red eyes.

"Pam what is it?"

Pam sat back, surrounded by tissues.

"I got my period again…I'm not pregnant."

Lowering her head, she began to weep, calling herself stupid. Ryan rushed over before strongly putting his arms on her shoulders.

"Pam look at me!"

Pam sniffled before looking at him. Ryan used his thumb to wipe her tears away before smiling.

"I'm going to the doctor's with you this month…and then we'll figure out what we're going to do."

Pam rubbed her face before giving a dry humorless laugh.

"I can't believe I'm crying over this. I never thought I would be one of those loser women who all they care about is babies and getting pregnant. This is so stupid…"

"You're not stupid Pam, don't ever say that."

"But look at me!"

"Pam…you've given so much up to follow me here. We both want a baby and I'll admit, it's weird that it hasn't happened yet. But, it's only been a few months and I'm sure once we talk to the doctor we'll figure something out."

Pam looked at him with helpless tear filled eyes. Smiling, Ryan rubbed the side of her face before hugging her.

A few weeks later Pam found herself in her doctor's waiting room. Ryan, dressed smartly in one of his suits sat beside her and nervously tapped his foot and tried keeping his hands laced together. Pam was grateful he had taken the morning off to go with her, and had tossed and turned the whole night before.

Finally the doctor called them in and sat them down to talk.

A few days before hand the doctor had ordered a few tests on Pam and Ryan. He informed them it was perfectly normal and just to check if there was anything that was causing Pam not to get pregnant. On the ride there, Pam stared out the window looking at the skyscrapers feeling scared. What if something was wrong with her? Thinking back as a little girl playing with her baby dolls, she didn't know what she would do if she found out it was because of her. A million horrible thoughts went through her mind before feeling angry. Why did this happen to her? Why was Ryan and her having such a hard time? Hadn't she had enough problems all ready?

Ryan sat beside her, his eyes serious yet on edge. The doctor smiled before sitting down.

"Well guys, I first want to tell you that you're both perfectly healthy."

Pam nervously let out a sigh of relief as the doctor went on.

"Most couples when they first decide to get pregnant have a hard time trying to conceive. Everything looks fine, but there's no baby. There's many different reasons for this, and there's plenty of things you guys can do together to make that change."

"Like what?"

Ryan asked, rubbing his chin.

"Well, I sent Pam with a packet of things but that was roughly for the beginning. Now that your having a harder time…there's targeting on when Pam is ovulating, taking your temperature, knowing when the right time of the day is best to try, different positions, life style changes, and then raising your sperm count."

Ryan sat up straighter and quickly cleared his throat.

"What?"

"Well, after running the tests we noticed your sperm count is a little under normal. Now this is typical and there's plenty of ways to change this."

Pam watched as Ryan's face dropped completely.

"Wait…what are you saying?"

"Mr. Howard, don't worry plenty of men your age suffer from this came problem and it can quickly be fixed."

Ryan shifted in his seat.

"How does this happen?"

"Well all types of different reasons…do you smoke?"

Ryan and Pam exchanged a quick glance at each other before Ryan nodded his head in shame.

In the last month or so Ryan had started smoking off and on late at night whenever he was stressed or upset. Pam really didn't like it and kept nagging him on how he would be addicted soon. Ryan shrugged it off and said between that and working out he had found a good balance to handle the extra stress work ad been giving him with the responsibility. Pam didn't like this, or how overworked Ryan had gotten. In fact in his spare time it seemed as though all he could really focus on was catching up extra with the website, or trying for the baby. Pam felt so bad for him, and wished everyone at the office would let up a little bit.

"Well I would cut down on that, also if you're not all ready wearing them, switch to boxers. Do you exercise?"

Ryan nodded.

"Great…well I would also try relaxation exercises, from the sound of it you have a stressful job. Cut down on the coffee, get plenty of rest."

"Does my diabetes have anything to do with this?"

"Oh no, just you have to maintain a normal weight and try to follow these steps…I'm sure within a few weeks the count will raise and you'll changes will double."

Handing over the packet to Ryan, the doctor kept talking while Pam spaced out and stared at the utter heartbreak and shame her husband had on his face.

That weekend, Pam had bought herself a sexy lace nightgown that Jess had recommended her to get that week when they went shopping. Brushing her hair, she smiled before walking into the bedroom. Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in basket ball shorts and a T-shirt.

"Hey…"

Ryan turned and looked very surprised.

"Whoa, hello."

Pam smiled before walking over.

"You like it?"

Ryan looked her up and down before smiling.

"Yeah I like it a lot."

Ryan reached up, gently tugging on the hem of the nightgown before slowly bringing her down on top of him on the bed. Ryan was smiling as he held her by the hips and looked up at her. Just then he began making her lean down to kiss him, Pam stopped.

"Wait."

"What?"

"The doctor said missionary position was better."

Ryan's smile faded before he nodded.

"Yeah…okay."

Turning her around, Ryan laid on top of her and covered her with himself before he began slowly nuzzling her neck and kissing her down to her breasts. Pam smiled, laying surrounded by the pillows as she held onto his back and started tugging up his t-shirt.

"Take your pants off…"

Pam whispered.

Ryan covered her mouth with his, before his hands began holding her down as she helped him work his pants down.

A few minutes later Ryan was looking directly down at her eyes, each time he thrusted Pam held onto him tighter. They were completely silent and the sound of the city blow them seemed to echo.

A little while after when Ryan buried his head against her neck, his shoulders arching as she felt warmth go down his legs…she prayed they had just made a baby.

But a week later, she found out that wasn't the case.

Two more months past and they were still trying.

Ryan seemed exhausted all the time now, and Pam was taking only one class now. Both tried to keep themselves busy with the empty void that was growing, but it seemed as if Pam's heart would sink whenever she saw a mother with its baby, or strollers being pushed by whenever she jogged in the park.

Ryan was getting stressed out bout work and would come home later and later each night. He had stopped smoking and drinking, but David Wallace was really laying on the extra work for him. Anytime Pam tried to bring up maybe waiting for the baby idea, Ryan would shake his head and tell her that he wouldn't hear of it. In fact he would rather quit before trying to wait on getting her pregnant.

Ryan still treated her like she was the most important woman in the world, and Pam was still so much in love with him…but the stress of Pam not getting pregnant was getting to them. She noticed he was getting moody, and more on edge. Pam felt depressed, and tried reading up and buying books on anything that could help them.

Then she started to focus on ovulating. Getting a calendar, she spoke with her doctor about different tips she could learn on how to really understand what days were better than others. She figured this out with Ryan and would text him whenever her temperature was just right. Speaking with a few of her friends from class, she learned some of them did the same exact thing before they had their own kids. Pam spoke with her mother and tried not to feel so depressed about this. She knew how badly she wanted this baby and would do anything to have it. She just wanted a part of Ryan growing inside her, she wanted to be a mother and hold her baby in her arms.

Ryan of course understood it, and as embarrassed as he was at work whenever he would get a text from Pam he would make some excuse about running papers downtown and rush back to their place. Here he would quickly undo his belt and meet her in the bedroom. He spent every lunch break of his with her, and would even be looking up different things they could do late night on his laptop.

Hardly anyone knew that they were trying, but both worked as a team.

One Sunday morning, after making love and getting some work done, Ryan had asked Pam if she wanted to get some fresh air. Perking up, Pam thought that was a great idea and both found themselves an hour later walking in central park. It seemed so strange that it was going to be nearly two years since they got married in this same exact place. Both were in pretty good moods, laughing and talking before they found a bench. Both sat together, kissing, and laughing about Ryan's latest visit to Scranton.

That's when Pam asked if he wanted a soda, a guy in a cart further down one of the paths were selling some. Ryan said sure and Pam jumped up, smiling saying she would be right back. Ryan sat alone for a few minutes, first checking his messages on his blackberry before looking across at the small playground.

There he saw a young guy, maybe his age with two little kids. One was a little girl, two or three walking around and giggling. The other was a boy, around one in the guy's arms. Ryan watched as the guy playfully ran around the swings, laughing as his little girl chased him and his son tugged on his hair.

Ryan stared at them not saying a word.

That night, Pam was woken by the sound of the faint crying. Opening her eyes, at first she thought she was dreaming. Then she looked over at Ryan's bare back…she knew the cries were coming from him. Gently touching his shoulder, she felt afraid.

"Ryan?"

"It's my fault."

"What?"

"You not getting pregnant, It's me. I just can't do it."

"Don't be stupid Ryan, the doctor said it was perfect normal. There are ways to bring it back up…it will happen, it just takes time."

"Did you know David Wallace's wife is pregnant again."

Pam just laid there as her heart sank a little.

"Oh…"

She softly said.

"Yeah…again."

Both didn't say anything for a while before Pam snuggled in closer, wrapping her arms around her husband and kissing his back.

"We'll have a baby, Ryan…don't worry."

Pam was then determined to get pregnant.

One afternoon, she even exhausted Ryan who laid back on the bed completely washed out as his hair was matted down and falling in his eyes.

Pam smiled before kissing him down his ribs, she knew the more they did this the better their changes were.

"I can't…I don't have any fluids left."

Pam laughed before kissing him.

"God I can't wait to have a baby with you."

Ryan softly smiled at her before kissing back.

A few months past, which marked it was going on nearly a year of trying. Between all the different doctor visits, and failed pregnancy tests…both were tried and stressed. Ryan was jugging work, the website, and of course this. Drinking herbal teas, not having coffee, and after trying laying on her back for hours…she wanted more than anything to be pregnant before next Christmas.

And a week later…it happened.


	13. Chapter 13

Pam nervously drummed her fingers against the marble countertop of the vanity in the bathroom. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, Pam tried her hardest to smile before waiting.

It had been a tough couple of months.

After nearly a whole year of trying to get pregnant, Pam finally discovered she was right before the end of the summer. Pam remembered taking the test one evening after Ryan had gotten home from the gym and the complete shock that came across their faces when they saw the positive sign. At first they didn't believe it; Ryan made her take two others before making a late night call to her doctor to tell him the news. Ryan took the next day off from work, hardly able to contain himself. After going to the doctor's together and running a quick blood test they were thrilled beyond belief to learn that Pam was indeed pregnant.

But before they could even call Pam's parents, a few days later she lost it.

Both Ryan and Pam took it hard. Pam couldn't seem to stop crying on their way to the doctor's. Ryan tried his hardest to be strong, but the entire time he gripped the wheel tightly and just blankly stared ahead. Both hadn't slept since it happened.

At the doctor's, he informed them that they shouldn't give up hope. That it was a good sign that Pam had gotten pregnant in the first place. He told them to wait a little while and relax before trying again, but patted Ryan on the shoulder telling him he was a great husband and knew he could take care of Pam.

That night Ryan wrapped his arms around her, kissing her shoulder blades he listened to her cry.

The following weekend he took her up to upstate New York for a nice relaxing getaway. He drove her up himself, softly rubbing her arm as she stared out the window. The beautiful countryside unfolded before them and Ryan took Pam to a nice little bed and breakfast. That weekend they spent mostly just sitting outdoors and talking with each other. It seemed this past year had been really tough on the two of them. Both understood how horrible it had been not getting pregnant and the stress of everything surrounding them. Both decided that after this miscarriage it was a reality check of how they really had to work at this together if they wanted it to work. On their way back, Ryan held Pam's hand before both looked at each other. Smiling, Ryan squeezed her hand before the entered the city limits.

A week later Pam surprised her mother by informing her that she had decided to stop taking her art classes. She claimed she had other things she wanted to work on, and wanted to spend more time with Ryan.

Hearing the disappointment in her voice, Pam's mother on the other line paused.

"Pam…this isn't about the miscarriage is it?"

Pam sat there in the living room, holding the phone before glancing over at the framed photograph of Ryan and her on their wedding day. Nervously twisting her hair she shook her head.

"Of course not…"

"I don't think Ryan wants you to put your entire life on hold for this Pam. It could take a while for you to get pregnant again."

Pam didn't say anything, instead she kept staring at the photograph.

Yet again the couple rode the same spinning ride that was slowly sinking both past the point of exhaustion and depression. Pam wanted a baby more than anything, but felt Ryan becoming more and more distant with each day. He threw himself into work and was no longer looking like the man she first fell in love with.

Their love making now became more of a job than anything else. Everything was planned, and mapped out. So many times after Ryan finished, Pam would raise her legs up, or prop her body up on a pillow and wait. Ryan would always seem so nervous watching her as he dressed before silently mumbling something about getting work done and leaving.

The passion was slowly flickering out and once or twice Ryan couldn't even come anymore since he was so exhausted. Pam would try to be understanding, but both could barley look at each other anymore.

Two months past of more trying before Pam got pregnant again. This time Ryan was so excited about it, he told everyone in the office and of course work leaked to the Scranton branch. Pam at first felt uneasy hearing this, it was still early and with the trouble she had she didn't know if it was the smartest thing. Ryan told her not to overreact, he was happy and finally wanted people to see. David Wallace and him had gotten close over the year and Ryan had privately told him about how badly Pam and him were trying to get pregnant. Michael from Scranton left what seemed like a million voice messages on Ryan's phone telling him how thrilled he was about hearing he finally knocked Pam up.

Pam decided to wait to tell her friends.

But yet again, the happiness didn't last long.

Nearly a month later, after everyone they knew had just learned of the pregnancy…Pam lost the baby.

Ryan had enjoyed that month so much. He was looking forward to going to the doctor's again, and had really fussed over Pam. But one evening while Ryan was sleeping he was woken by the sound of Pam's screams. Snapping awake, he rushed into the bathroom to find her nightgown stained with blood. Crying, she looked up at Ryan and said she just started bleeding and getting cramps. Ryan rushed her to the ER and the doctor said how sorry he was. Sometimes things like this happened.

Pam got checked out and everything seemed fine, there really wasn't a reason why she couldn't stay pregnant.

Pam sensed Ryan was getting depressed. He was losing weight, and unable to sleep. Pam saw how unkempt and messy his appearance was getting, and how many late nights he was spending at the office. Usually when he came home, he would either throw himself into work or just want to be alone. Pam knew they were growing distant, and both hardly had anything to say to each other. They still made love, but not as often. Every time Pam woke up, he was either gone at work or at the gym. Pam would spend her days at the gallery or alone in the apartment. She saw she was gaining weight, and feeling extra lonely. She missed her husband, and hated that all of this was happening while everyone else was happy.

He would come home around eleven or twelve, exhausted and take a long shower by the time she was all ready in bed. By the time he finished his catch up work and reports; he would side into bed, wrap his arms around her and fall asleep.

She thought maybe it would be better if they stopped with this baby idea and just waited. Their first two years in the city had been fine, now things felt as though they were falling apart. She wanted to tell him to not stress himself out. To maybe take a step backwards from work and focus on what was important. She knew how much he loved his job, but in the last few months between the two miscarriages, she felt as though he was on the verge of breaking down.

He still spoiled her with gifts, nearly every Friday she would get a delivery while he was at work. It was either jewelry, or flowers, or expensive things that she knew was his way of trying to distract her from how downhill things were going. She just wanted to talk with him and say how much she loved him.

Now here she was, looking at the pregnancy test before smiling.

Picking up the plastic strip, Pam walked out of the bathroom and down the hall to his office. He was spending the afternoon trying to fix things on the website that had lately been causing problems. Doubling the stress, he also found out that everyone from Scranton had learned about Pam's miscarriage. Feeling embarrassed, he had locked himself away and was working nonstop.

Opening the door, Pam looked in at him and suddenly, she wished to God that this one test would make everything right. The last few months were horrible and she missed her husband. She wanted him back for then anything.

Walking over, her hands behind her back she smiled.

"Hey…"

Ryan looked up from his computer, he never looked so tired before in his life. Lately between the stress and lack of sleep his blood sugar had been horrible.

Ryan looked back at his computer as he quickly typed something.

"Hey honey…"

Pam thought back at all these lonely days she spent in the apartment, wishing every day things could go back to normal.

Walking over she laid the test on his desk in front of him. Right away his big blue eyes drifted up to her as she smiled.

"It's positive."

Ryan looked uneasy as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Pam…these tests aren't always right."

"That's why I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow to confirm it."

Ryan stared at her with worried eyes before slowly smiling.

"Well, that's great."

Pam knew the real reason why he didn't sound that excited. The truth was he was terrified of something happening again. Sighing, her heart ached before she sat herself down on his lap and put her arms around him.

"Ryan I have a good feeling about this…"

Ryan smiled before pressing his forehead against hers.

"I really hope so Pam."

That week Pam went to the doctors and learned she was indeed pregnant. Ryan skipped a huge business meeting to go with her and broke out into a grin when the doctor confirmed it. Both Ryan and Pam somehow seemed so much more relieved and overjoyed when they found out this time. Ryan squeezed her hand before his eyes lit up for the first time in what seemed like months.

"Can we have an ultrasound done?"

Ryan asked, his voice sounding anxious.

The doctor looked over Pam's charts before nodding.

"It's still really early but I would like to see how developed the fetus is."

A few minutes later Pam laid in the back room in a simple hospital gown feeling cold as the doctor moved a small plastic paddle across Pam's lower stomach as he dimmed the lights and turned on a small machine. Ryan sat beside her, his collar open and his eyes intent on seeing whatever image would show up on the screen. Seconds later what appeared to be a tiny little fuzzy thing on the black and white screen appeared before the doctor flipped a switch.

"There it is, nearly five weeks…looks healthy and normal…"

"And Pam?"

Ryan asked, sitting on the edge of his stool. The doctor looked over.

"She seems perfectly fine…"

"Yeah but, she's had trouble…does everything seem okay?"

Pam could tell he was worried.

The doctor smiled before nodding.

"Your wife and baby is just fine Mr. Howard."

Ryan glanced over at Pam and suddenly the last couple of lost months seemed to disappear. Right then she saw her husband…the same man she fell in love with.

Going home, Ryan made Pam promise not to tell anyone yet. He seemed uneasy, but told her he was beyond thrilled about this…he just didn't want anyone to know until it seemed safe. Pam knew he didn't want to say it out loud…but she perfectly understood. Between the year of trying and loosing the past two pregnancies, he didn't want the same thing to happen all over again.

She knew it had broken his heart last time when everyone found about the last pregnancy and then how in utter shame he had to let everyone know she had lost it. He hated the pity, and most of all hated the fact word got back from Scranton. In some strange way, Pam suspected he maybe thought people were talking behind his back and blaming him because Pam had such a hard time getting pregnant. As excited as Pam was, she agreed and told him they would wait to break the news until everything seemed safe…this counted her own mother.

That night for the first time in awhile, Ryan seemed happy.

That night he kept looking through the packet the doctor had given them and kept smiling at Pam. The next morning before he left for work, Pam felt him gently brush back her hair before kissing her on the back of the neck.

Now when he came home, he didn't talk about work or how stressful everything was. Now all he could talk about was the baby. Working extra hard on fixing the website, Ryan still looked exhausted and drained. Yet, somehow this pregnancy had lifted his spirits. He always came home in a good mood, bringing Pam books on pregnancies, and little surprises. The first was a silver rattle from Tiffany's. The two would have dinner together and sit in the dining room talking for hours. They would laugh, joke, and simply stare in each other's eyes.

While watching TV, Ryan would rub her feet and encourage her to keep up with her art. He told her as much as he wanted her to stay off her feet, eight more months of staying stuck in this apartment would drive her nuts. Ryan seemed a little better, but still looked very tried at night. Sometimes he would have a ton of energy and buzz around the apartment getting a million things done at once. Pam noticed how he would always be tapping his hands or feet while he make sure Pam took it easy. Once and a while he would just start to ramble about how much he was looking forward to this baby, and how he really felt it was their time for good luck.

Pam enjoyed the attention and couldn't wait for the next doctor visit. Ryan meanwhile was still working non-stop, but seemed his happiest whenever he was home with her. Just the night before as they laid together in bed, he gently began to rub her perfectly flat stomach, smiling down at her before kissing her face. He then looked down at her stomach and said something about if it was a girl he wanted the baby to be just as beautiful as her.

Pam felt fine and just began getting morning sickness. Ryan was always there, holding her hair, rubbing her back, and giving her ginger ale and crackers.

A week later Ryan got a call he had a business meeting. He would be gone for most of the day, and told Pam to just relax and stay off her feet. In the morning, Ryan got her set up on the sofa. Kissing her forehead before his smooth hand slipped over her flat stomach. Kissing her again he told her to call him if she needed anything and then left.

Pam spent most of the afternoon flipping through and pregnancy book and couldn't help but smile.

Things were finally going their way. After these past two years they were finally going to have a baby. Day dreaming of how amazing it would be once the baby started growing inside of her. How she could feel it kick, and then finally be able to hold her son or daughter in her arms. She wanted the baby to look like Ryan more than anything.

Just yesterday Ryan and Pam made the calls to her parents and his mother. They informed them they had in fact gotten pregnant again, even though it was still early they wanted them to know. They all seemed very excited, and planned on visiting by the end of the month. Before hanging up, Pam's father told Ryan to take good care of Pam. Smiling as he gently rubbed her back, Ryan looked at Pam before smiling.

"Of course I will."

Now alone in her apartment, Pam decided to get up and have some breakfast. The last couple of days the morning sickness hadn't been that bad. Shuffling to the kitchen the first cramp came.

"Ah!"

Pam gripped onto the counter before another cramp seized her body. Freezing completely, Pam opened her mouth and no words came out. She never had such bad pain before in her life.

Another cramp came, this time it felt worse.

Pam then hunched over before the pain began coming in waves. Bending over, Pam felt between her legs and when she brought her hand up she nearly screamed.

Blood.

Feeling dizzy, she wanted to just wake up. Blinking, she suddenly felt very light headed and held onto the counter tighter.

"Ryan…"

She said in a breathless voice. Stumbling over to the phone, Pam lost her balance and feel down. Blood was now trickling down her legs. Crying, Pam grabbed her cell phone on the counter and fell back down onto the marble floor. It seemed as though blood was everywhere.

She dialed, tears running down her cheeks.

"Hello 911? I'm almost seven weeks pregnant and I think I'm having a miscarriage…Pam Howard, Looking Glass apartments, top floor…penthouse, 104…please hurry…"

Then anything began to blur. Pam cried out, wanting Ryan to help her. Saying his name again she blacked out.

And so this was where we last left off. Pam and Ryan in the hospital a few hours later. Ryan holding Pam as she cried against his shirt as Ryan stared into space with blank emotion.

She had lost another baby.

Excusing himself to the men's room, Pam was sedated and the doctor said he wanted to speak with him when he was ready. Shaking all over, Ryan fought back tears as he stumbled into the stall and locked it. He was lucky nobody else was in there. Leaning against the cool metal wall, Ryan's numb hands took out the small baggy from his wallet and began making messy lines. At first he spilled some, swearing he tried to get his hands to stop shaking and do the one thing that had made all of this go away the last two times. The one thing that made him escape from reality and the fact three of his babies were dead. All the stress, and pressure of the last couple of years came crashing down on him as he snorted.

He hated God for doing this to Pam.

Sniffling, Ryan blinked his bloodshot tear filled eyes before sniffling again and checking his nose. Right away that smooth numb feeling began to wash over his body. His heart slowly started to beat, and any horrible thoughts that were driving him crazy floated away.

He pressed his hand against his forehead, snapping his eyes shut as he tried to breath.

"It's okay Ryan…take it easy."

He then remembered his first day at Dunder Mifflin so many years ago. How he walked in, just twenty-three and saw Pam sitting behind her desk. He remembered how nervous he was and how beautiful her gray eyes were when she looked up at him.

"It's my fault…"

He whispered to himself.

Getting himself under control, he put everything back away in his wallet and remembered that horrible call he got a few hours ago from his neighbor saying Pam had been rushed to the hospital. He had never been so scared before in his life. Rubbing his scratchy beard, he took a deep breath and met the doctor in his office.

The doctor told him how sorry he was, that the pregnancy was still early but Pam had lost a lot of blood. He couldn't really explain why this was happening, but thought maybe it just had something to do with how the two of them had such a hard time getting pregnant in the first place. He expressed to Ryan he had seen this before, even though Pam was perfectly healthy. He told him that Pam could indeed have children, but he suggested they wait a while so mentally and physically Pam could recover.

Ryan then shook his head, his legs were shaking.

"No…what's best for Pam is to get pregnant again as soon as possible."

The doctor looked at him with worried eyes.

"I understand your upset Mr. Howard, and it's typical for couples who have gone through miscarriages fell as if trying again will make the pain go away…but it won't."

"When can I take her home?"

The doctor looked at Ryan with uneasy eyes.

"Tomorrow…"

Nodding, Ryan left the office and spent the rest of the night sitting beside Pam as she slept, gently brushing back her hair and humming to her.

He could fix this…he knew he could.

The next morning, Ryan picked up his car…which was now a brand new BMW and drove Pam home. The entire ride, Pam sat curled in the passenger seat staring blankly out the window. The medication the doctor had given her left her stoned and emotionless. Her eyes were puffy from crying, and her hands laid limp on her lap.

Ryan brought her home, his arm tightly around her waist as they rode the elevator up. Once inside, he saw how unsteady her legs were and scooped her up, much like he did on their wedding day and carried her into their bedroom.

By then rain slowly began to fall from the overcast sky. The apartment was very dim and raindrops hit the windows like ice. Helping her chance into an old jersey of his and sweats, he pushed back her hair and gently laid her on the bed. Pam stared up at him like a life sized doll. Just seeing her like this broke his heart.

Pam meanwhile was completely lost in a state of heartbreak and shock.

She really thought this baby was it. Instead she lost it before she was even two months. She so badly wanted to know why this was happening to them? Any thoughts of holding a newborn baby was shattered.

Ryan drew the curtains and then sat on the edge of the bed, Pam noticed his hands were twitching. Curled up, Pam felt her insides shake before she took a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry Ryan…"

Ryan looked over, his eyes bloodshot and tired.

"What?"

"For losing the baby…I was so sure nothing was wrong…"

She tried to go on but silent tears rolled down her face. Ryan meanwhile simply stared down at her before she hitched in a breath and reached over touching his hand.

"Let's go back home."

"What?"

"Let's go home…I'm not happy here."

"Pam we are home."

"No I mean Scranton. I want things to be like they were before…I just want to be with you."

"And a baby?"

Pam laid there, thinking for a second.

"Maybe that has to wait…maybe we weren't meant to have one."

"Bullshit."

Ryan snapped. Pam sat there slightly taken back. Ryan had never snapped at her before.

"There's other ways Ryan…but right now can't you see, we're falling apart!"

Ryan looked at his hands before shaking his head.

"No, your wrong."

"Please Ryan…let's just go."

"And what? Go back to Scranton? Go back to the office and be hassled by everyone? Live lower middle class and struggle to pay our bills? Go back to where Jim still loves you and we can always dream about the life we had here?"

"Ryan…"

"And what? You blame me for this happening? You think I can't give you a baby that will live long enough! I know you've always thought that! Always hassled me and knew if you were with Jim you would have the baby you wanted!"

"Ryan you're not making any sense!"

Pam said through tears as she sat up.

Just then Ryan pushed her back down, making her lay there in shock before he raised a hand as if to slap her. Pam snapped her eyes shut before Ryan's face crumpled. His hand shaking, he quickly got himself on the bed and got on top of her. Pam opened her eyes, and saw something was wrong with Ryan…this wasn't like him at all.

"I'll fix this Pam, I'll give you a baby I promise!"

He sniffled before he forced himself onto her. Panic leaped into Pam as she began to struggle. At first for some strange reason she thought this was all just a joke. Ryan would never hurt her. Once she tried to move and he pinned her down, she started feeling terrified.

"No!"

Ryan yanked down his zipper of his slacks before grabbing the waistband of her sweats and trying to pull them. Pam struggled, slapping his arms and back before crying.

"No! Please no!"

Ryan grabbed her sore legs and tried pulling them apart when Pam brought up her knee with all her might and got Ryan right between the legs. Ryan's eyes snapped shut before he moaned and fell over in pain. Quickly Pam shot up from bed and struggle to stand as Ryan laid on the side of the bed holding himself. Sweat rolling down his face as utter pain swept across his eyes.

Pam cried as she grabbed her purse on the chair near her dresser and struggled to leave the room. Taking one last glance at Ryan, all she could do was cry. Running for the door, she ran out and down the fifteen flights of stairs. Her vision was blurry and she hurt all over.

Running through the lobby as people stared, Pam went out on the sidewalk as rain poured down and flagged a taxi. Getting in, she asked to go to Scranton.

"PA? Lady I don't go that far!"

"Here!"

She shoved two hundred dollars right in the driver's face. Money Ryan always gave her for spending on whatever. In fact, she planned on buying some more books about pregnancy this week before everything happened.

The driver looked at the money.

"You're not in any trouble are you?"

"Just take me home please!"

Pam begged. The driver looked uneasy before turning around and starting the taxi. Seconds later they were driving down the busy streets of New York as Pam tried to get herself under control. That's when she saw she had nothing on her feet. Crying even harder, Pam put her head in her hands before glancing at her sparking wedding ring.

By the time they reached Scranton nearly two hours later Pam was fast asleep in the back of the taxi.

Ryan meanwhile had smashed everything in the apartment. Vases, mirrors, glass tabletops, frames, and the silver rattle he had bought Pam less than a month ago.

Sitting in the wreckage of his home, Ryan drank hard liquor from the bottle that he kept in his office, and had just done three lines in a row.

Things were falling apart, and he couldn't believe what he had almost done.


	14. Chapter 14

_**One month later**_

Pam laid in her old bedroom in her parent's house with the curtains drawn and herself curled up and laying in the darkness. Looking at her ring, Pam shut her eyes as one tear silently rolled down her cheek.

Just then there was a light knock on the door. Her mother's voice came from the other side.

"Pam? Honey?"

The door slowly opened and Mrs. Beesly walked inside holding a laundry basket. Staring at her daughter, she frowned before setting the basket down on the chair that was once covered with dolls and teddy bears at one time. Going over, she touched her daughter's shoulder.

"Pam?"

Pam rolled over, her puffy face staring at her mother's worried one.

"Pam…Michael Scott called again. That girl Erin needed to leave for a semester because of school, he said he'll need you. That Jim Halpert called again to, he sounded worried."

Pam turned over, burying her face in her pillow.

"I'll be the laughing stock there, everyone knows I came back here without him…everyone knew it wouldn't work…I'm sure they all have something to say about us being separated."

"That's none of their business…these people are your friends Pam."

Pam laid there sighing before her mother at on the edge of the bed.

"Pam, you've been like this for a whole month. You haven't taken care of yourself…you've gained weight, and your depressed. I asked if you wanted to press charges against Ryan but you wouldn't hear of it. What can you expect…he hasn't even attempted to try to contact you."

"Press charges for what?"

Pam's mother became softer, almost a whisper.

"He tried to rape you Pam, you said you thought he was on drugs…"

"It was because of everything that was happening…"

"There is never an excuse for that Pam. Ryan changed…"

"He's my husband mother…"

"No…husbands don't try to rape their wife's. You need to wake up to the fact that it's over Pam. You need to move on."

Laying there, a silent tear rolled down her cheek before she stared at the wedding ring and felt like the loneliest person in the world.

_**Six months later**_

"Dunder Mifflin this is Pam."

Pam said as he sat behind her desk. Instead of nearly seven months after that fateful morning in New York, it seemed more like four years ago in the past. Sitting there, her beautiful red hair thrown back over her shoulders, her dim gray eyes staring down as she wrote a message down. Dressed in a plain faded blue blouse and slacks, Pam seemed nearly exactly the same…expect now she was depressed and heartbroken.

She returned to Dunder Mifflin with the help and support of her mother who told her she needed to come back to the world of the living. That her life with Ryan was over and instead of giving up she had to find the strength and move on. To everyone at the office, they simply just heard that Pam and Ryan had separated and currently he was still living and working in New York. A day before she came in Toby warned everyone, mostly Michael to mind their own business. Whatever happened to Pam and Ryan was between them, and that she could sue if anyone made her uncomfortable or made any comments. Michael of course hated having to listen to Toby, but after receiving a very serious call from David Wallace, he understood. Its seemed as if Pam and Ryan were separated. That the two had been trying for a baby and that Pam had suffered another miscarriage before the two broke up. Pam came back to Scranton, and Ryan was still in New York. Working at home mostly, hardly anyone had seen or heard from him. It seemed as if the web site was slowly failing, and problem after problem was now being blamed on him. Michael had asked to see Ryan, but David said that was out of the question. That Ryan only came to the office for business meetings and besides that hardly showed his face around at all. Deciding to keep his word on offering her Erin's job, Pam showed up and was welcomed with nothing but friendly faces. Dwight and Angela of course mumbled comments under their breaths, but as far as everyone knew Pam and Ryan simply broke up.

Feeling awkward, Pam couldn't believe how much hadn't changed. Sitting at her old desk, she took a deep breath before slowly falling back into the same routine she had slowly just started to forget. Jim came over a few hours in, smiling and welcomed her back to Scranton. Pam looked up and softly smiled.

"Thanks…"

On her lunch break Jim and her sat together, Jim eyed her wedding band before taking a sip of his soda.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Pam shrugged.

"Not really…"

Jim nodded.

"Okay."

Pam stared down at her uneaten food before sighing.

"I know he won't sign the divorce papers…"

She softly said under her breath. Jim looked over, half surprised.

"Huh?"

Pam nervously twisted her hands, still staring down.

"Divorce papers…my parents think I should get a lawyer before he does and serve him with them. But I know he won't do that…and if I do I know he won't sign them."

"So you want a divorce?"

Pam bit her bottom lip.

"I don't know."

"You two are separated right now?"

Pam slowly nodded.

"I haven't seen him since I left."

"Was it an argument?"

Pam looked up, besides her mother no one else knew the truth.

"Yeah, kind of."

"Over what?

Pam looked at Jim, her old friend. Looking at his eyes right now she remembered what a good listener he was.

"You heard we were trying to get pregnant right?"

Jim looked slightly uncomfortable before taking one of his chips and eating it.

"Something like that…"

"I had three miscarriages."

Jim looked at her, sincerely his eyes seemed devastated for her.

"Pam…I'm so sorry."

Pam stared at the table again before slowly nodding.

"Two whole years of trying and between the pressure of everything…the last one I think was finally it for him. He snapped…I knew how badly he wanted to give me a baby, but I saw a side of Ryan I didn't know…it scared me."

"So you left?"

Pam nodded before Jim gently touched her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry Pam."

Pam controlled herself from letting any tears out.

"Thanks…"

"So what are you going to do now?"

Pam shrugged.

"I guess just move on, keep going. My parents are letting me stay with them and maybe Michael can figure out keeping me and Erin on when she comes back."

"And Ryan?"

Pam looked at him again.

"I don't know. I guess I still need time to figure that out."

Jim then told her if she needed anyone to talk to…whatever it was, he was there for her. Trying to smile, she thanked him.

Of course Kevin and Kelly came up to her at one point of the day and made her feel beyond uncomfortable. Kevin commented on how much it sucked Ryan and her were over. Kelly hugged her tightly, wanting to know all the details before Pam escaped in the ladies room and controlled herself again from crying. She knew if she could get through today, she could get through anything. Looking at her wedding band her heart ached. She wished Ryan was there more than anything.

Michael at the end of the day hugged her and told her not to worry. That she was back with her family and that Ryan could go screw himself. He was nothing up a little tease. Pam made an uneasy smile before walking back to her car.

Days turned weeks, and weeks turned into months. Pam slowly got used to the craziness the office brought, and within a few weeks she was old news. Enjoying the peace, Pam simply answered her calls and became withdrawn. She found it harder to laugh and enjoy things now.

Erin quit once she discovered she couldn't come back because of school. Working full time now, Pam came in every morning, answered calls, and thought about Ryan.

She would come home every evening; have dinner with her parents, shower, and then go to sleep. Most nights, she would cry until it hurt and finally float into an emotionless abyss until she woke up and went to work all over again.

She was losing weight, but really didn't take that much interest in herself. She dressed in plain clothes, wore no makeup, and barley wanted to talk and joke around with the others. Sitting behind her desk day after day she waited for that one call or letter to come. She waited to hear from him or his lawyer. Every day she expected to see him walking through the front door, but it never happened.

She casually asked Michael a few times if she had heard from him. Michael said no, Ryan didn't visit the branches anymore and as far as he knew Ryan was getting way over his head back in the city because of how much the website was going downhill. Pam knew people were talking about her but tried to ignore them. Every once and a while she would go on the company's website and see if anything was new. Instead, she would find nothing and remember all those long nights in which he spent working nonstop to make it perfect. Now everything he had worked so hard for was slowly falling apart.

One weekend when she was visiting the ATM, she could nearly ten thousand in her bank account. At first she felt outraged and wanted to ride up to New York and give him a piece of her mind. But she remembered the empty look in his eyes as he pinned her down on the bed and tried pulling her clothes off. Not wanting any of his money she closed that account and started her own. He couldn't buy her off…no matter what he thought.

She slowly began picking up the pieces, as depressed as she was.

She hadn't been sketching or drawing and didn't see any interest it in. Instead, she got up each day and tried to move a little forward, as hard as it was. Of course there were plenty of times in which she wanted to call him, or just give up and die. But she kept going, day after day after day.

"Hey everyone come look!"

Creed yelled from his desk. Pam saw everyone getting up and quickly surrounding Creed's computer. Pam right away saw the distress in Jim's helpless eyes as he looked over at her. Within seconds she saw everyone eyeing her and whispering.

Pam quickly got up, nearly knocking over her chair before rushing over. Jim tried to say something before her eyes looked at the screen.

It was a video.

Of Ryan getting arrested.

He was being taken out of the offices in New York in hand cuffs.

Ryan was being arrested for fraud, and drug possession.

Pam's heart dropped.

"Oh my God…"

The video played again, and again, and again.

Time seemed to stand still for Pam as she stared at the screen. Everyone glanced at her before her insides started to shake. No, it couldn't be…it had to be some mistake.

She heard Oscar read the website where the video was posted. It seemed as though Ryan had been entering sales numbers that had all ready been put in for the website to still look as though it was running. Doubling the numbers to the company, he was arrested for fraud. Being taken in his office, the police also found cocaine on his person when he resisted arrest. He was currently being held on bail at the New York City police department.

Pam felt sick and walked outside.

Feeling as if she was in a dream, she walked down the stairs and everything came crashing down around her. All she could keep thinking about was flashes of her wedding day. Kissing Ryan at dust and laughing.

"Pam!"

Pam turned and saw Jim running after her.

"Pam wait!"

Pam stopped, tears rolling down her face as she stood in the lobby. The same exact lobby she once stood with Ryan and he kissed her after Roy had tried attacking him.

Jim walked over, unable to say anything.

Pam wanted to race up to New York and bail him out. To get him out of that horrible jail cell and just hold him, knowing how scared and ashamed he must be. She wanted to tell him how awful she felt and how badly she had missed him. She wanted to put her hands on his scruffy face and kiss him as hard as she could.

But she kept remembering how he yanked down his zipper. How he pushed her down as she struggled and how she felt a throbbing erection against her leg as he grabbed her by the wrists. She remembered how horrible she felt as she stumbled outside barefooted before falling into a cab. How he hadn't tried to contact her or even attempt to explain himself.

She loved him, yet hated him at the same time. Unable to even process what was going on she went into Jim's arms and cried as hard as she ever cried before.

Her life was falling apart.

A week later she learned through people at the office that Ryan had made bail and had appeared in court a few days later. Pam at first thought about going but decided the less she was involved in the better. By the end of the month word traveled quickly that Ryan had lost his job and was assigned to nearly two hundred hours of community service.

Everyone was looking at Pam funny but she didn't say a word. She admitted, it had nearly been a year now since she had last seen Ryan. Anything that was going on she was completely unaware of besides what was all ready known. One afternoon Pam received nearly twelve boxes that had been shipped from New York. Her parents helped her unpack them and Pam found all her belongings she had left behind in New York. Her drawings, her sketches still sealed up, her paintings Ryan had bought her, photographs and albums, her clothes, and jewelry. Looking at all of this stuff made Pam want to throw up. It reminded her so much of the past.

So she threw all the boxes up in the attic. By the end of the nights she was shaking and crying and knew enough was enough.

The next morning she contacted her lawyer.

She drew up divorce papers and had someone go up to New York to serve them to Ryan.

She admitted to Jim the reason she had waited so long was because of everything that had happened. That she almost wanted to hold onto the tiny little ray of hope things could go back to normal. That she could somehow make this nightmare go away and Ryan could come back to her. After seeing his life fall apart before eyes, she knew wherever he was going; it was all downhill from here. She didn't care anymore…that wasn't her husband that was somebody else who had taken him away.

More time past and after she send the divorce papers out she began to slowly feel free.

Her lawyer came back saying he couldn't track down Ryan. That he had moved out of the penthouse and nobody had seen him since the arrest. Pam decided not to let it get to her, instead she slowly began trying to take the first few steps in getting over her depression. She began working out, and talking with Jim more. Even though she never told him the real reason why she left, she slowly began feeling better about having a friend who would listen.

Thinking about Ryan hurt.

Months past and slowly her life was going back to normal.

She made sure any photos of him and her were hidden in the attic. She couldn't think about it anymore, it was driving her crazy. More time past, and Pam tried her hardest to look forward to her future. This wasn't anything like it was with Roy…

It was worse.

When her lawyer contacted her again saying he had found Ryan, Pam decided she didn't want to hear it. A year had now past and just thinking about him brought on panic attacks. She couldn't understand why she could still love somebody so much…while still hating them and feeling sick to her stomach whenever she heard his name.

She told her lawyer that to just send the papers again. If he decided to not sign them she would try to get a court order by the end of the year. In all honestly, she really didn't think she could handle seeing him face to face after all this years. Besides, she had dropped the Howard and didn't use it anymore. She was now back to Pam Beesly, and her wedding ring was now collecting dust upstairs in the attic along with everything else from their past life together.

She was just slowly starting to rebuild herself.

That's when Michael began making a scene one day in front of the new boss. A lot had been going on lately, along with Michael announcing his two week notice. Pam hardly even listened anymore and simply answered calls from her desk and laughed whenever Jim made faces at her. She knew he had been wanting to ask her out on a date lately, but she had tried to avoid this. She knew it was still in her mind too soon and that it would somehow ruin the friendship they had.

"Whoever wants to come and start a new paper company with me you know the way out!"

Michael yelled, walking towards the door Pam watched in amazement while a tiny voice inside of her began yelling.

Go.

Pam then jumped up as everyone watched.

"Michael wait!"

Michael froze.

Pam grabbed her purse before running out with him. Jim along with the others seemed stunned.


	15. Chapter 15

_**One week later**_

"Pam…I have a confession to make."

Pam sat in Michael's condo writing down a list of things they were going to have to start doing in order to make this impossible leap of faith get lifted off the ground. Pam really couldn't believe she was sitting here. Just a few days ago she was answering phones behind the desk at Dunder Mifflin. Charles, a man who planned on taking over Michael's job since he gave his two week notice was giving everyone a hard time. Michael had finally had enough and walked out of there before announcing his plans on opening his own paper company. Pam really didn't know what had gotten over her. One second she was sitting there, back at her job which had somehow seemed like a cruel nonstop spinning nightmare. A year had passed since she left Ryan in New York. Since then she was slowly trying to pick up the pieces of what was left of her life. Living with her parents, she went to work every day and tried anything to keep her mind off what was bothering her.

Ryan.

She had seen him got arrested, hit rock bottom and loose the job he had worked so hard to get. She had finally decided to make the choice in serving him with divorce papers, but once her lawyer found him she decided to wait. She knew as bad as she left, he probably felt a million times worse. She didn't want to make him the victim, but this was a man she had loved for nearly four years. A man who she had married, lived with, and knew in the bottom of her heart would die for her. She felt horrible seeing his life fall apart before he finally disappeared. She knew forcing these papers on him now might very well push him over the edge. She knew she couldn't forgive herself if anything happened. Instead, she had reached the point in her life in which she no longer missed him. She simply missed the man he once was, but knew he would never come back. Instead she tried to understand exactly what had happened which brought them to where they were now. Thinking back so many years ago when they first reached the city everything seemed to hold so much hope.

She knew the miscarriages, and years of trying had added along with the pressure of everything coming down on the two of them. She understood at the time he was suffering a nervous breakdown, and was drugged up beyond belief. She knew the Ryan she once loved, the same Ryan who had helped her when she dropped her teapot in a snowy parking-lot wasn't the man who had terrified her so much that fateful morning. She knew he was just as heartbroken as she was after she lost the third baby. That he blamed himself and that was just his way in his drugged up mind to fix things. That as Ryan's problem…he was always trying to fix things. She couldn't forgive him, but knew within time she would finally serve him with the papers and try to move forward in the shattered remains of her life. The hard part was, she still loved him so much deep inside. Something she wouldn't ever tell anyone…not even her mother. Part of her had left empty since she came back to Scranton but knew she would have to be insane to even say this out loud. She had tried to bury her feelings in her depression and hide everything away in the attic. But she mourned her life. She mourned the life she could have had, she mourned the children she wanted, and she mourned whenever she wondered how Ryan was doing…most of all alone.

When Michael got up to leave Pam saw her one chance. Something to break her away from this hell she had started back at and just do something to take her mind off things. It wasn't the smartest thing, but it was a chance.

"What?"

Michael sat there in his bathrobe.

"Everyone else I asked to help us has dropped out…expect for one person. I've been talking to them on the phone this weekend and they aren't entirely on board…and they don't know your helping me out."

Pam sat there, confused.

"Who is it?"

_**One hour later **_

"Hey shoe bitch get back to work!"

Pam stopped dead in her tracks. They were at the Scranton bowling alley at ten in the morning. The place wasn't really crowded expect for a few birthday parties for grade school children. The echo of cracking balls against pins filled the air. Pam suddenly felt her stomach dip as her mouth became dry. She wanted to kill Michael.

Michael approached the counter where Ryan stood.

But it wasn't the Ryan she had last seen. He looked thinner, younger, and very tired. He wore a bowling alley uniform and his once beautiful dark brown hair was now bleached blond. This hair color looked stupid on him expect for his beautiful big blue eyes which he still had. He stood there sliding bowling shoes across the counter as his manager yelled at him.

Pam couldn't believe this was the same man she had fallen in love with. The same man who started off as a temp and had made her wake up to the fact she was unhappy with her dull morning life at Dunder Mifflin and that she really wasn't in love with Roy Anderson. The same man who she had dated, and couldn't stop looking at and getting butterflies whenever he came near her. The same man she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and married on Halloween night. The same man she wanted to have a baby with and was willing to risk it all for him. The same man she saw change simply because he wanted to give her the best and fix everything.

Now he looked so different. A million different emotions came rushing back at her. She had a headache and suddenly didn't want to be there. Looking at him her heart began to race out of her chest.

Michael was talking to him, she couldn't hear what they were saying since she was across the room.

That's when his eyes drifted over and met hers. They widened and he looked as though he had seen a ghost.

They stared at each other for what seemed like a lifetime before he looked at Michael and blinked. Right away she saw he was upset and Michael was trying to calm him down. She also noticed…he was still wearing his wedding band.

The sound of him yanking down his zipper filled her head, then his bloodshot and angry eyes staring down at her. Pam felt sick and quickly ran out to the car,

A few minutes later Pam sat in the front seat of Michael's car shaking. She kept telling herself not to cry. That she would be okay and Michael would understand what a mistake this was and take her home. That's when there was a light knock on the window. Pam snapped out of her thoughts, nearly screaming before jumping and looking up.

Ryan and Michael stood there. Pam stared up, helpless and scared to death. Just seeing him felt unreal. His blond hair made him look completely different, almost like a teenager. His blue bowling alley uniform looked so strange after being so used to seeing him in designer suits. Pam rolled down the window, tears starting to build in her eyes.

"Take me home Michael."

She said in a low voice.

Ryan seemed uneasy and just shuffled his feet. He could barley look at her. Michael leaned forward.

"Pam…I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's just we need all the help we can get and…"

"Take me home."

Michael looked at Pam.

"Listen, I heard he as working here and…"

"Take me home Michael."

Pam said through her teeth.

"Pam I…"

"Michael enough."

Pam looked up to hear Ryan say softly. He was staring at the ground and seemed ashamed. Michael looked over before he shook his head.

"This is a mistake…drive her home."

Ryan turned and started walking towards the building. Pam watched him unable to say anything.

Later that night Pam sat on her parents sofa watching TV and eating ice cream. After the bowling alley she made Michael drive her back to Dunder Mifflin where she begged Charles for her old job back. Instead he told her Erin had come back and there was no position for her to fill. Feeling as though she had been slapped in the face, she glanced at Jim and then quickly ran to her car. On the drive back Pam burst out crying.

"Fuck!"

Slamming her hands against the wheel, Pam drove home and was relieved to see her parents were out for the day with some friends across town. Struggling with her keys, she went inside and burst out crying before curling up on the couch. She wanted to kill Michael for what he did. That's when there was a knock on the door around eight that night. Sitting on the couch, finishing her ice cream. Thinking it was her parents, Pam got up, setting the bowl on the coffee table before heading towards the door. She was dressed in sweats and her face was puffy from crying.

When she answered the door, Ryan stood there.

Still dressed in his uniform, he stood there looking nervous and scared to death.

Pam froze in the doorway.

"Ryan?"

She suddenly felt as though she couldn't breathe. Ryan lifted his eyes and stared at her before clearing his throat.

"Pam…"

"What are you doing here Ryan?"

Ryan stared at his feet.

"I…needed to see you."

"You all ready have."

Ryan shook his head. The same way he shook his head the first day he ever met her as Michael played that mean joke on her about her getting fired. Pam remembered how embarrassed he was as he looked down and shook his head. Guilty, and ashamed.

"No not like that…I didn't know you were coming with Michael. I swear."

"Ryan don't worry…form the look on your face you were just as clueless as I was. Let's just leave it at that."

Pam attempted to shut the door before Ryan stopped her.

"Pam, wait…"

Pam seemed annoyed, she didn't want to hear this.

"What?"

Ryan looked at her his eyes desperate.

"Pam...I…I'm sure you've heard…"

"What that you got arrested and fired for fraud…for drugs?"

Ryan looked down.

"This was a mistake…"

He began to turn when such range filled Pam's body she thought she would kill him.

"I don't want your money, and from the looks of it you might need it more than me."

"Pam, please…I just need to tell you how sorry I am…"

"Sorry! Sorry for what? For trying to rape me? For lying to me? For not calling or even attempting to contact me for a whole year!"

"Pam I was fucked up!"

Ryan shouted back.

"You wouldn't even believe the pressure I was under! Everything was just crashing down on me and I couldn't stop it! I was doing everything for you!"

"I didn't want everything! I just wanted you!"

Pam screamed back, tears in her eyes.

"How do you think I felt every time you didn't get pregnant? How do you think I felt whenever you miscarried! It was my fault!"

"Maybe it was! All the fucking coke you were doing maybe that's a reason you couldn't knock me up!"

Ryan's face crumpled as tears began to blur his vision.

"Maybe it was your fault Pam! What woman who's perfectly healthy looses three babies! Three babies!"

"Get out of here you fucking loser! Don't ever come back!"

Pam cried before trying the door again. This time Ryan slammed the door hard enough to make it rock against its frame. Pam knew both were making a scene for the neighbors at this time at night.

"I loved you Pam! I would never hurt you!"

"You tried to rape me you bastard! What do you think that was? Some way to try and get your fucking dead sperm back in me! It's a good thing the cops finally got you when they did. God knows what more damage you could do!"

"I'm sorry! How many times can I say that! I'm sorry! That wasn't me! I would never hurt you Pam! It was the drugs and everything else. I just wanted to forget everything! I wanted to make the pain go away! I just wanted to fix things!"

Pam stared at him, tears rolling down her face.

"You can't fix us Ryan. It's too late. I should of known when I lost the last baby…we're just not meant to be together. You can't change the past…I'm serving you with divorce papers and you better sign them or I'll get my lawyer to see you again."

"Pam…"

Ryan said in a choked filled voice.

Pam shook her head.

"Don't ever go near me again Ryan. I'll call the cops next time."

Slamming the door, Pam leaned up against it and burst into tears. On the exact same side Ryan pressed his forehead against it and cried himself.

An hour later Pam's parents still weren't home. Having been sitting on the sofa, crying her eyes out she felt if she didn't get out of this house she might lose her mind. Grabbing her car keys, she decided to take a little drive. She needed time to clear her head. Thinking of maybe driving to Jim's. Pam got up and left the house.

Nearly falling down the front steps, Pam sniffled in before going to the street to reach her car. Crickets chirped in the background as she struggled with her keys to open the door.

In the other direction driving down the street, a drunk coming from Poor Richard's began to swerve back and forth.

Pam just got her door unlocked when she heard the car coming. Headlights suddenly filled her vision as she looked ahead and saw it coming speeding right at her.

Pam froze.

"PAM WATCH OUT!"

Pam couldn't move, instead she watched the car come speeding faster and faster when…

Ryan charged out of nowhere and slammed her into her front lawn. Hitting the ground hard enough to make her nose burst out bleeding. The car rushed by, the driver yelling something out as it nearly clipped the side of Pam's rearview mirror.

Pam laid, staring up at the starlit sky as her heart began raving out of her chest. Ryan rolled off her and laid beside her, gasping for air.

Pam began to shake all over, she was just inches away from getting killed. Laying there she began crying.

Ryan looked at her.

"You okay?"

Pam's knees were pretty badly cut up, and her nose was bleeding, making some of the blood go down the back of her throat. Ryan's smooth fingertips went over to her upper lip and wiped the blood away. This was the first time he had touched her in over a year.

Pam looked up at him, still shaking.

"That car…it almost…it almost…."

"It's okay…"

Pam pushed him away, crawling slightly back on her lawn.

"What were you doing here?"

Ryan looked at her, his blond hair made him look so young. Hiking himself up on a sitting position he stared at her, slightly ashamed.

"I was sitting in my car across the street. I couldn't drive way…I needed to think. I was having a smoke when I saw you leave the house. I was coming over to try to talk to you again when I saw the car."

"You're crazy! You could of killed yourself!"

Ryan looked confused as she yelled at him. Pam tried to say something else but instead she just lowered her head and kept crying.

That night before Pam's parents came home they talked. Sitting in her back yard on the swings she used to play on as a girl, both sat together, their feet dragging on the ground. Both looked very worn out, and beyond depressed.

Ryan told her about how he had hit rock bottom. He just drank every night and blew so much coke he almost ended up in the emergency room. He told Pam about how the police had arrested him at work and how he had to spend the entire night in jail and ended up with a black eye and two broken ribs. He told her about how he had lost his job, how the court had ordered him his sentence and that's when he called his mother and brother's for help. He couldn't afford the apartment anymore and knew his career was over. There they helped him pack up and take him back to Scranton. There they sent him to a rehab a half an hour away. It was a good place, where the clinic treated people with the same problems Ryan was suffering from. He had lost so much weight he explained to Pam that you could see nearly every bone in his back. He began seeing a psychologist, who treated him. He spent seven whole months at this rehab, his mother paying for it all.

There Ryan got off the coke and got clean. There he confessed how depressed he had gotten once work started to weigh in on him. He talked about his fear of losing her, and how the pressure of trying to get her pregnant started to get to him…most of all after the first miscarriage.

"I know it's nothing compared to what you went through…but I couldn't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that here we were…two healthy young people who just wanted a baby and I couldn't give that to you. Each time I saw the disappointment in your eyes each time you got a negative pregnancy test. Or how devastated you were whenever you lost one of the babies…it broke my heart. I blamed myself."

"Ryan…"

Ryan shook his head, his hand tightly gripping the chain to the swing.

"As crazy as it sounds, somehow I thought if I finally got you pregnant and you could finally have a baby it would fix everything. I wanted to make you happy and I wanted to be a father so badly…I thought maybe that one time if I did this it would make things right. It was all a blur, and the second you ran out I knew what I did. I wanted to kill myself."

Pam stared down at the ground.

"That's no excuse for what you did Ryan…"

"I know…"

"Why didn't you try to see me?"

"Because I honestly didn't think you would. My world ended when I knew I crossed the line and finally lost you. The arrest and losing my job in the city was nothing compared to what happened after I lost you."

"What happened after you got clean?"

"I moved in with my mother, and she got me this job. I've been doing my community service, going to my meetings…and trying to figure out just what the hell I should do next."

"And you know nothing about today?"

Ryan shook his head.

"Michael called my Friday telling me he left Dunder Mifflin and that he was planning on starting his own company. I knew it was crazy, and God knows I spent enough years trying to get away from him…but I was thankful he even thought of me after what a jerk I had been."

"Did he mention you?"

"I asked…and he said you were back to work there. He didn't say anything about you, or that you were doing this with him."

Pam looked down.

"I saw you get arrested, everyone did."

"The video huh?"

"Yeah…"

"Must have been taken on somebody's cell phone…I've seen it. Not looking my best huh?"

"If you knew I was here, why not try to see me?"

"Like I all ready said. I was ashamed. I didn't think you would. In fact I kind of shocked you didn't try to send the divorce papers through again."

"I did…my lawyer said he found you but I decided to wait. Seemed as though you've had enough trouble."

"Yeah…I guess…"

"Man, did you ever think you would find us here?"

Ryan gave a dry humorless laugh.

"No…I guess not."

"I'll send the divorce papers through again."

Ryan nodded.

"What about Michael's thing? You sticking with it?"

Pam sighed looking back down again.

"I guess so, see how long it lasts. I all ready knew it was a mistake but seeing what a horrible mess I've been this year… anything is better than the same shit that I've gotten myself used to."

Ryan nodded.

"You?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Just taking it one day at a time…"

"How about you take the job? I mean you need it more than me."

"Pam it probably won't last a week knowing Michael."

"Yeah…but still, it might do you good. I mean you love business."

"Yeah but you should take it. I think I've had my full."

Pam stared at him before looking at his hands.

"Why do you still wear it?"

She motioned at his wedding band. Ryan shrugged.

"Guess it just reminds me…you know of better times."

Pam sat there, looking at the man who was once the love of her life and so badly wanted to know what had happened to them.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Two weeks later**_

Pam couldn't believe it.

She had made her first sale.

Toasting with champagne at the end of the day, Pam couldn't help but smile. She hadn't felt this happy in years. Standing there in the small rented room, she poured another glass and offered it to Ryan who simply shook his head and cracked open a Pepsi. Staring at him, such a simple gesture showed her how far he had come. Smiling, she looked him over and couldn't believe this was the same man she had fallen in love with, and had run away from. Dressed in an un tucked button up shirt and loosened tie, his messy blond hair was falling in his now tanned face as he drank his soda and smiled.

His wedding band still on.

At the end of that evening in which Ryan and Pam finally spoke, both walked to the front yard together, Ryan's hands stuffed in his pockets as Pam eyed him with uneasy eyes.

They finally decided they needed this job, as dumb as it was. Pam still refused the money Ryan had wired to her account, but wanted to show everyone at Dunder Mifflin she could do something else besides being somebody's wife and answering phones. Ryan on the other hand needed something to keep him going, a second chance. Pam was willing to give him that.

They knew it would be awkward, but Ryan said he didn't plan on staying no longer than a month. His brothers were moving over to Mass in a couple of months and wanted him to come with. Pam decided to just go forward and take the chance she had intended on making.

At first it had been horrible. They stayed in the cramped depressing room, sitting around in silence and having to listen to Michael ramble on and on. The first morning she came in, Pam couldn't believe what she was doing. At first she wanted to die when Ryan came in almost the same exact time as her. Michael of course made the moment even more uncomfortable as he joked about how weird this was.

Pam decided to keep busy, but they were so close she found it hard.

Both had their own laptops and Pam stayed busy doing nothing, yet pretended she couldn't take her eyes off the screen for even a second. Word of course of the Michael Scott Paper Company spread and Jim had ran into her in the parking-lot that morning.

"Tell me your really not doing this?"

Pam, who was now dressed in a nice pants suit shrugged.

"It's a chance. I wasn't happy coming back."

"Is it true about Ryan?"

Pam felt ashamed but nodded.

"Yeah, he's helping Michael out."

"What the hell has he been doing? Have you talked to him?"

Pam didn't think this was any of his business and quickly wanted to move.

"Listen, I'm late. I'll fill you in on everything tomorrow."

Quickly walking in, she was relieved to be inside. The second she entered the room she almost died. There were no windows, and between the copier, desks, and table there was hardly any room at all. Michael was grinning ear to ear and welcomed her.

Pam right away gulped.

When Ryan arrived he put his things down and pretended to check messages on his cell while Michael asked him what jail was really like.

Ryan and Pam barley said more than five words to each other. The entire day Pam kept catching herself glancing at him. She still couldn't get over how different he looked. Sighing, she would catch herself staring at him whenever he was looking the other way.

She would remember back when they were first dating. How thick and black his hair was. Now smooth his skin was, and how she couldn't seem to stop kissing him. How they moved to New York together, their first little apartment and how the day she married him was the happiest night of her life.

Then how badly she wanted a baby with him.

Thinking back at all those painful memories she tried pushing them away. Instead she remembered how he saved her life a week ago. How both laid on the front lawn of her parent's lawn, gasping for air and looking up at the star lit sky.

Now here they were.

She told her parents about Ryan and her mother pulled her aside after her father asked if she thought they might try to get back together.

"Are you serious?"

Pam told her about the drunk driver.

"Pam that doesn't make him a changed man!"

"I know mom, I just want to give him a chance. Besides he said he isn't staying. I know it sounds weird, but I feel better when he's around. You should see him, he has nothing left."

So a few days past.

At first it seemed as though the early morning hours and boring days were getting to them.

Then finally…

Pam made a sale.

The last couple of days had been strange and tense. Pam saw Ryan's mother was picking him up now. When she finally met up with Jim, he teased her about Ryan and how awful he looked. Hurt, Pam hurried to her car.

"Don't need to be such a jerk Jim."

Jim tried to call after her but she left.

Ryan and her barley talked each day. Instead they sat side by side working.

When she made the sale it seemed as if something was broken. Michael and Ryan jumped up as Pam began to squeal with delight and danced around cheering and high fiving her. The same reaction Ryan got when Pam took her first positive pregnancy test. Excited beyond belief, Pam hugged them.

Ryan gazed into her eyes before nervously smiling.

Things for once seemed to be going her way.

That night after they made the order, Michael thanked them again before asking to file the paperwork before leaving. Alone in the small room, Pam typed up the receipt while Ryan called his mother telling her to pick her up later. Shutting a few of the back lights off, Pam watched him and felt a strange twisting in her stomach.

"I'll walk you to your car."

Pam looked up, lost in her thoughts.

"Huh?"

"It's getting dark. I'll walk you out."

"Oh…aren't you leaving?"

"Soon, my mother had to go do some stuff. I might walk down and grab some coffee."

"Where's your car been?"

"I'm trying to sell it. Make some extra money. My mom has a friend of hers taking a look at it."

"Oh…I was wondering."

Pam looked back down at the computer and tried hurrying up.

"Almost finished…"

Ryan nodded before sitting on the edge of the table.

Pam clicked off her laptop, her heart pounding in her chest.

"So you're really leaving?"

"Thinking about it. My brother has some stuff going on which sounds pretty good. Might be nice to get away."

"Cool."

"And you?"

Pam shrugged.

"Well, we'll see how my future in sales goes."

Ryan laughed, right away Pam remembered how much her heart started racing whenever he did this. Smiling, she stood.

"Have you been sketching?"

Pam looked down, almost ashamed.

"Not really…"

"You should. Your stuff was really amazing."

Pam looked up at him.

"Thanks…"

"I'm really happy for you Pam. That's so awesome what you did today."

Pam blushed and smiled again.

"Please, it's probably going to be our only sale."

"Still…it was amazing."

Both locked eyes before Pam felt slightly uncomfortable.

"Can I ask you something?"

Ryan nodded.

"Why do you really still wear your wedding band?"

Ryan looked down at it before locking his eyes with hers.

"Because I love you Pam."

Pam didn't know what came over her at that exact moment. Throwing her arms around him, she pressed her lips against his as hard as she could. Right away a whole year of pain seemed to fade away the second she did this. Closing her eyes, she felt his lips against hers as their mouths opened and closed. Pam grabbed onto him, kissing him as hard as she could…almost afraid if she let go for even a second he might disappear.

Right away, her hands were tugging on his bleached blond hair. His were ripping her blouse open, buttons flying across the room.

Turning her around, her legs wrapping around his waist he lowered her down on the table. Completely out of breath, both gasped and stared at each other before Pam leaned up and kissed him again. Tugging him down, she reached up and pressed her hands against the white T-shirt he wore. That's when Ryan broke away from the kiss and looked at her, the same way he looked down at her the first night they made love.

"You sure?"

Pam licked her lips before nodding.

Ryan reached down, unzipping his fly before lowering it. Pam hiked up her skirt while Ryan stood between her two spread legs. She could feel he was shaking.

Seconds later Pam nearly screamed out. Suddenly the emptiness she had felt for a whole year quickly went away. Clutching onto his back, her nails dug into him as her legs were slightly bent at the knees on each side of him.

Ryan snapped his eyes shut and pushed forward, making the table shake.

Pam made a breathless gasp. Ryan panted and pushed again, this time harder. Pam held his face with her hands, kissing him as he found a slow full pace. Each time he went into her, the two held onto each other tighter. Soon Ryan was moving nice and steady, he stared down at her, going slowly in and out before he bit down on his bottom lip.

"Jesus…"

He mumbled. Only a few minutes into it, Ryan climaxed strongly, making Pam lay back in utter shock. Pam gasped for air, laying there in a state of tingling shock. Ryan had never made love to her like this before. As unsuccessful as it was, and even though it didn't last long…all of their energy and pain finally was released.

Pam laid back, her hair pooled around her on the table.

"Wow…"

Ryan stood up, still trying to catch his breath before zipping up his fly.

"Yeah."

Pam sat up, still a little stunned before staring up at him. Smiling, she reached up and cupped the side of his face.

Smiling, he gently kissed her fingers.

Unknown to both of them.

They had just made the baby they had been wanting for years.


	17. Chapter 17

When Pam came home that night she was completely exhausted. Collapsing on her bed, she stared up at the ceiling before shutting her eyes.

She couldn't believe what had happened.

She had driven Ryan home. The entire ride over they didn't say a word. Once she pulled up to his mother's house she killed the engine and waited. Ryan looked over at her.

"I love you."

Pam stared ahead, clutching the wheel.

"I know."

Ryan leaned over before gently kissing her cheek. Getting out, he began walking up the path to his front door. Pam meanwhile watched him; her heart ached seeing him go. She remembered this feeling and had missed it this past year.

The feeling of hating being away from him, even if it was just for a few hours.

Starting the car, she drove home before a smile appeared on her face.

The next morning Pam walked into The Michael Scott Paper Company to find Michael on the phone with his mother bragging about their first sale. Ryan meanwhile, dressed in a button up untucked shirt looked nervous sitting at their little table. He had two coffees in front of him.

Pam right away felt weird. Almost the same feeling you would get on your first day at a new school. Smiling, she dropped her purse on the table and quickly sat down. Looking at the table she couldn't believe the two of them made love on it the night before.

Ryan slid her the coffee.

"Here, you still take skim milk right?"

Pam smiled taking it.

"Yeah, thanks."

Before she could say another thing Michael got off the phone announcing they had gotten five new clients just in the space of a few hours. He also informed them that he had rented a brand new van to make deliveries. The entire day both Ryan and Pam could barley even say one word to each other. Instead they kept busy, filling out order forms and calling the main company for supplies.

Finally at lunch Pam stood up swinging her purse over her arm.

"Michael you taking lunch?"

Michael shook his head.

"No, I'm heading out for the rest of the day. Mr. Anderson from downtown wants to hear about our brand new company."

Michael grinned before standing up.

"Blackberry me if you need me!"

He called out before leaving. Ryan and Pam eyed each other before cracking up. Getting up, a few minutes later Ryan cracked his back before looking down at her. His eyes nervous.

"So…you want to go grab some lunch?"

Pam looked up from her laptop, slightly taken off guard.

"Ummm, yeah sure."

Walking out, Ryan slipped on a pair of his sunglasses. Pam walked with him heading to her car.

"So where do you want to go?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Anywhere, just need some coffee."

Pam smiled.

"Yeah me too."

Just then they nearly bumped straight into Jim who was heading downstairs himself.

"Whoa!"

Jim said before standing back. Right away he looked at the two of them and his smile faded.

"Oh, hi Ryan."

Ryan looked uneasy, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Hey Jim."

"Nice hair dude. Really suits you."

Ryan's eyes quickly dropped before Pam felt uncomfortable and cleared her throat.

"So, we're heading to lunch. Wanna come?"

Jim eyed the two of them before shaking his head.

"No…I'm good. Wouldn't want to get between you two. I'm sure you have a lot to catch up on."

Ryan looked up.

"Excuse me?"

Jim looked at him, one of his eyebrows raised.

"What? Aren't you guys separated? Or is it going through a divorce? Oh wait…maybe you two have gotten back together since you're working side by side now."

"Jim…"

Pam tried to say but he ignored her. Instead he looked down at Ryan.

"Shame about New York huh Ryan? Must of really felt like a big shot there."

Pam saw Ryan was making a fist but tried to calm himself down. Instead Ryan just glared up at him before shaking his head.

"Whatever Jim…"

Jim made a face and was about to make another comment when Pam quickly slipped her hand into Ryan's.

"Come on Ryan…"

Pulling him along past Jim, she saw him look at their hands. His eyes said it was. He was furious. Leaving the building, and into the blinding sunlight Pam felt her heart skip a few times in her chest. Her hand still squeezing Ryan's.

Finally he stopped.

"Pam wait."

Pam looked at him before he lowered his sunglasses.

"I'm sorry about that. It's just after parole…I've been trying to keep my head down about stupid stuff like that. But if he's been bothering you let me now. He can be a real jerk sometimes."

Pam was touched by this. Smiling she shook her head.

"Don't worry about him."

Getting in the car together, right away everything felt right. Ryan dug out Pam's I-pod and both laughed as they drove together through town, talking and singing along.

Ten minutes later Pam pulled in front of her parent's house. Ryan looked.

"What are we doing here?"

"My parents are at work. I wanted to show you something, come on."

Ryan got out and followed her before she took out her keys and let them inside.

"Let me make some coffee, make yourself at home."

Both went into the kitchen as Pam began making a pot. Ryan meanwhile sat down, slightly out of place and put his wallet and cell phone down before nervously drumming his fingers on his leg. A few minutes later Pam poured two hot cups and brought over a few muffins her mother had baked the night before. Sliding them over she sat beside him.

Both talked, mostly about work and how horrible yet amusing it had been sitting with Michael this past week. They joked about the van Michael planned on renting, and their bets on when Pam would make her next sale.

Finally Pam took a deep breath.

"Ryan…"

He looked up.

"I want to show you something. It's. something I've been thinking about for a long time."

Ryan looked a little confused but nodded.

"Okay."

Pam got up before nervously twisting her hands. She didn't even know if she could leave the room.

"Ryan last night…"

"I know…"

Ryan dropped his eyes before Pam took a step closer. Her hand gently touching his hair.

"I've missed you so much…"

Her voice croaked. Ryan looked up, surprised.

"You have?"

Pam held back tears before nodding. Seconds later she leaned down, holding the sides of his face before gently kissing him. Their eyes both closed, she kissed him again, feeling his plump soft lips before kissing his forehead.

Opening his big blue eyes he stared up at her.

Pam then felt one silent tear roll down her face.

"What are we going to do?"

Ryan looked up at her, his hands holding her sides.

"I wish I knew…"

Standing up, Ryan made Pam back up a little bit before his hand went into hers. Pam laid her head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around her. Both stood like that in complete silence for what seemed like a lifetime.

Then…

She heard him breathing heavy. Opening her eyes, she looked at him and saw sweat rolling down his face.

"Ryan?"

Ryan opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. Instead he kept trying his hardest to take a breath.

"Ryan!"

Pam felt he was shaking. Helping him sit back down, she saw his head lower as he tried to control it. A horrible panic helpless feeling entered her heart remembering his sugar. Of course it would have gotten worse over the last year. Placing her hands on the sides of his face she brought his eyes up to hers. He kept shaking.

"Ryan stay with me, come on baby stay with me!"

Quickly she ran over to the fridge, grabbing a carton of juice she nearly spilled the entire thing before pouring it into one of her mother's glasses. Running over, spilling half of it she held Ryan's chin.

"Ryan you need to drink this, come on…"

Ryan snapped his eyes shut shaking his head before she forced the rim of the glass up to his lips.

He slowly drank it, some running down his face. Making him drink the entire thing, his shakes slowly within the next few minutes started to settle down. His eyes clearing up as he stared at her, desperate and on the verge of tears.

Pam set the glass down before crawling onto his lap. Putting his head against her chest, she gently brushed back his bleached blond hair and hummed softly.

"Shhhh, I got you. You're okay."

Ryan then burst into tears.

"I'm so sorry Pam!"

He sobbed against her as she simply held him.

A half an hour later she saw his shirt was stained with the juice and after the seize he looked a complete mess.

"You should take a shower, might make you feel better."

"We need to get back to work…"

"Michael won't be back the rest of the day, it doesn't matter. Come on."

Helping him, she held his arm before taking him to the bathroom. Ryan rubbed his face, almost ashamed.

"I've been letting my sugar go. My doctor said it's going to kill me if I keep this up. Haven't been eating that much…also being clean hasn't helped the jitters."

Pam smiled before shutting the bathroom door behind her. Both stood together as Pam slowly began to unbutton his shirt. Ryan looked at her, almost flinching.

Pam…don't"

But Pam ignored him. Instead she unbuttoned the rest, opening it and slipping it off his shoulders as it fell to the ground. There she began lifting his simple white T-shirt off. Ryan stared at her, his eyes serious as he pulled it off his head and threw it to the ground beside his other shirt. Pam stared at his bare chest.

Pam bit down on her bottom lip before pulling her shirt off as well. Flinging it to the ground, she then stood there staring. The two looked at each other before leaning over and kissing.

A few minutes later they were in the shower together. Nice warm water rushing down on them as they held each other. Ryan's arms around her waist as they pulled in close and kissed. The water matted down and slicked back their hair as Ryan began kissing down her neck.

Once they were done, Pam gave Ryan an old football jersey of her father's and some sweats. Changing together, they dried off and finally sat side by side on the living room sofa. Ryan's arm around her shoulders. Her head laying against his shoulder. Both not saying a word.

"My parents will be home soon…"

"I better get going soon."

"Wait."

Pam got up and left the room. A few seconds later she reappeared with what looked to be a huge folder. Sitting beside him, she took a deep breath and nervously smiled.

"I've been doing these since we got together."

She handed it to him as he opened it and saw the thirty or so drawings, sketches, and paintings of himself. Some of him sleeping, others of him in their old apartment. All of them with so much detail and work put into them. Smiling, Ryan looked at every single one.

Looking up at her he smiled.

"Pam I don't know what to say…"

Pam dug into her pocket and took her wedding ring out. The same ring she had thrown into a draw nearly a year ago crying when she first came back.

"Say we'll try and give it another shot. Say you'll stay with me."

"Pam…"

Pam stared at him.

"We can try again can't we? We're not that far broken are we?"

"Pam look at us? Look at me! I'm a loser…"

"No you're not. You're my husband."

"Pam, I'll never be able to give you the life we had in New York…"

"That wasn't the life I wanted. I just want you."

"But work, and your parents…"

"I don't care about that. I want to fix things."

"Pam last time I tried to fix things I hurt you…"

"That wasn't you…please…"

She gently ran her hand through his damp hair, gazing into his eyes.

Ryan looked at her ring before deeply sighing.

"I don't think I can give you kids…I know how much you want them…"

"Ryan I don't care about that. I just want you."

Ryan looked at her.

"You really mean that?"

"Of course I do. I love you."

Pam slipped her ring back on before he smiled, leaving over he kissed her as her sketches and drawings scattered to the ground.


	18. Chapter 18

_**One month later**_

"Pam?"

Pam mumbled before rolling over, burying her head into the pillow. Ryan sat on the edge of her bed smiling as he gently shook her shoulder.

"Come on, today is our big return to Dunder Mifflin."

Pam lifted her head, looking at Ryan. Her face puffy, and her hair hanging in her eyes she felt horrible.

"Just give me a few minutes, not feeling so hot."

Ryan's eyes seemed concerned.

"You okay?"

Pam nodded.

"Just getting a cold…probably from all those mornings last week we got up to deliver our shipments."

Ryan smirked.

"Yeah the Asian church van didn't have the best heater…or the fact Michael liked rolling down all the windows whenever we took the highway and blasted Journey."

Pam smiled sweetly up at him before wiggling her nose.

"I'll be up in a second. Could you fill up our coffees before we go?"

"Yeah sure, I'll be right back."

"Thanks."

Ryan winked at her, his bleached hair now slowly beginning to fade out. A lighter brown was taking over and his roots were returning to the black they used to be. Watching him leave, and close her bedroom door behind him, she waited to hear his footsteps go down the hall. A few moments later he heard the faint sound of him saying morning to her mother in the kitchen.

That's when she quickly threw back the comforter, and raced to her tiny bathroom. Barley making it, her entire throat burned before everything came up. Feeling dizzy, her hand found the wall for support before she spit.

"Yuck!"

She said using the back of her hand to wipe her mouth.

Another wave of nausea came over her before the acid tasting vomit came back up in one big heave. Once it was over, Pam flushed and stood up looking at herself in the mirror. She looked terrible. Sighing, she grabbed her toothbrush that was beside Ryan's and began to wash up.

A few minutes later she joined him, dressed neatly with her hair down. Ryan was sitting at the kitchen table with both of their thermos sitting next to him as he was in the middle of laughing at something her father was saying who sat across the table reading his paper. Her mother was at the stove cooking eggs.

A lot had happened in the last month. In fact, Pam had to laugh. It seemed as though everything always happened in just a blur. The same day Pam asked Ryan if they could somehow save the shattered remains of their marriage, she waited until her parents came home to inform them. Clutching Ryan's hand, she sat on the living room sofa as her parents silent listened. Pam's mother asked if she could speak to her alone on the back deck. Going out, the crickets chirping in the background Pam's mother folded her arms and stared at her. Pam gulped.

"Are you disappointed?"

Pam's mother stared at her feet before shaking her head.

"No Pam…I'm just worried. You put yourself on the line for him, risked everything. I remember how you looked that day when you came from New York. Pam he's been arrested. He was a druggy, are you really willing to take a chance again? What if she tries raping you again?"

Pam felt sick before shaking her head.

"Mom, I love you…more than you'll ever know. Tell me something, did you ever see me as happy as I was with Ryan when Roy was around? How many times did you tell me to take a chance. To live my life and be happy?"

"Pam…"

"No, I understand the mistakes I've made. Ryan does too. New York was hell and I'll be the first to admit it. You just can't understand…maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was everything…but whatever did happen in the city is over. That wasn't him. "

"Pam, honestly…"

"Mom, all I cared about was getting pregnant. I wanted to make the perfect life I all ready had even more perfect. I shouldn't of rushed things…I should of woken up to the fact that life wasn't working. I should of told Ryan the truth and just left. He loves me mother…and I'm one hundred percent sure that day I came back home, he wasn't trying to hurt me. He was just afraid to let me slip away. He knows what he did. We've been clear with each other. Mom I really love him…I can't live with myself knowing I didn't try to give my marriage a second shot after he's tried so hard."

Pam's mother looked in through the bay window. Pam's father was sitting beside Ryan who seemed slightly uncomfortable on the sofa. He never knew half of the problems or what really happened in New York. All he knew was that Ryan suffered a drug problem and had been fired from his job. Pam's mother saw her husband pat Ryan on the shoulder.

Sighing she looked at Pam.

"You really love him don't you?"

Pam tried to control her tears before nodding.

"I guess you're right. You've seemed half dead this year. I just want you to be happy Pam. That's all."

Pam smiled through her tears. Walking over she hugged her mother.

"Thanks mom…"

That night instead of acting weird, Pam's parents invited Ryan to stay for dinner. Calling his own mother, he said sure and Pam offered to drive him back. They ordered pizza and sat around catching up. They avoided the awkward stuff, mostly Ryan getting clean and New York. Instead they just laughed and spoke about The Michael Scott Paper Company. Sitting in the kitchen, eyeing each other, Pam couldn't believe it…

She was falling in love with him all over again.

She knew it was dangerous, but looking in his eyes she somehow felt right.

Later that night around eleven Pam drove Ryan back. Not saying anything, Pam kept her eyes on the road as the radio played softly. Finally pulling up to his house, Pam parked.

"So…"

"So…"

Pam looked at him.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah…"

Ryan nodded before looking down. Pam watched him before a unexplained urge filled her. Licking her lips, she yanked him by the collar towards her.

"Whoa!"

Pam pressed her lips tightly against his before opening her mouth, her eyes shut. Ryan kissed back, as she tugged him harder. Kissing like madmen, Pam began to lay down in the driver's seat. Ryan tried moving over before lifting her skirt. Moments later, Ryan was trying to get his pants down as Pam's knee knocked into the horn. Jumping, Pam let out a nervous scream and Ryan began cracking up. Both kissed each other, smiling before Ryan entered her. Pam let out a loud gasp before leaning against the driver's door.

Ryan lowered his heat for a second, his breathing heavy before looking up at her.

"I feel like I'm seventeen again, let's hope my mom doesn't come out."

Pam started laughing even harder before yanking him down onto her as she pressed her lips against his.

Fifteen minutes later, with very fogged up windows the two sat up in their seats completely out of breath. Their hair a mess, and their clothes untucked, both eyed each other before laughing again. Before getting out, Pam reached over and kissed him as if they would never kiss again. Smiling, she looked at him. Gently putting her hands on each side of his face she smiled, pressing her forehead against his.

"Call me tonight before you go to bed."

Ryan nodded.

"Okay…"

Pam smiled.

"I can't believe this, I don't even want to let you go."

Ryan smiled.

"Yeah I know the feeling."

"Promise we we'll try Ryan?"

"I promise."

Smiling, she pecked his lips again.

"Tomorrow…we'll just figure things out."

"Deal."

Pam smiled before he kissed her one last time. Watching him go, he waved and then went up his front steps. Sitting in the parked car, Pam waited before he was inside before smiling. He reminded her like James Dean in Giant.

That night Pam spent half the night texting Ryan. Laying in bed in her parent's home, she suddenly felt safe, and was almost sure everything would be okay.

Michael caught on quickly that something was going on between the two and a few days later while they sat on the Michael Scott Paper Company's Floor, they confessed to Michael they were getting back together. This resulted in a very uncomfortable hug.

Of course word traveled fast and when Pam was walking out to her car with Ryan, hand in hand a day later Jim stopped dead in his tracks.

Pam heard Angela talking to Phyllis.

"She's back with the druggy. I give it three months."

Pam ignored it, right now she was happy.

The Michael Scott Paper Company was doing great. Surprising enough they had a ton of new clients. Michael and Dwight fought back and forth and Dunder Mifflin pretty much turned their backs on them. Pam didn't care though, Ryan and her were trying to fix things and working right beside him seemed to really be helping out. The two would sit together, side by side at the old poker table and shared laptop before making sale calls. Ryan still hadn't made a sale but that really didn't seem to bother him. Instead underneath the table their legs would gently rub each other and every time she looked over he would wink at her making her smile.

He ran and got her coffee and on their lunch breaks they couldn't seem to stop talking.

Every morning Pam picked him up and drove him home. Lately they were trying the whole dating thing again and one Friday night Pam and him went to the old bowling alley he worked at and as a prank Pam stole three of the bowling alleys before screaming 'Fuck you!' and flipping off the manager before running to the car. Ryan couldn't stop laughing and both shared an ice cream that night still cracking up over it.

Pam was starting to see the old Ryan again.

One weekend he brought her back to his house and she was able to see his mother again. She seemed thrilled the two of them were giving it another try and when Ryan was upstairs washing up she pulled Pam aside thanking her. She told her that Ryan had been really depressed and when he went to rehab he confessed the real reason he was getting clean wasn't for himself or his career…but for his wife.

Pam felt her heart warm up when she heard this.

They would have dinner together, and most nights he would sleep over her parent's. They would stay up all night watching movies and laughing before falling asleep side by side on the sofa before being woken up by Michael in the van.

"Oooo look at the two love birds!"

He once called out at nearly four in the morning as they shuffled outside.

Now Ryan was currently living at Pam's parents. The two of them were looking for an apartment but decided to wait since the Michael Scott Paper Company was being bought out. After making a deal a few days before hand they were getting their old jobs back at Dunder Mifflin as long as Michael gave the clients back. He would be manager again, as long as Ryan and Pam could work beside him.

Ryan felt uneasy about this due to his past history with the company. But Michael forced the issue. But ended up happening was Pam was thrilled to learn she got a job in sales. Ryan meanwhile was offered Erin's job since she was leaving for good now. Pam at first felt horrible, but Ryan understood perfectly why that was all they could give him. Happy enough he said sure. He told Pam he was his happiest as a temp as a job was a job. Believe it or not back in this office, before New York…he sort of enjoyed it. Besides, Pam and him would be working all over again.

Pam was excited and nervous about her new sales job but Ryan told her not to worry, she would be perfect. Joking, Pam began to fill him in one what he had to expect taking her old job. Laughing, he grabbed her by the waist before both tickled each other in her bed.

"Hope nobody gives me a hard time…"

He mumbled the night before as the two laid side by side, beginning to drift off. Pam eyed him in the darkness of her bedroom. Most of Ryan's things were in boxes in the garage.

"They won't..."

"Yeah right."

"Listen, you're the cute desk boy. If anyone says anything their going to have to answer to me."

Smiling, Ryan wrapped his arm around her.

Now here she was, on their first day back at Dunder Mifflin and she felt as if she was getting the flu.

Ryan looked at her as she entered the kitchen. His eyes widened, looking very impressed.

"Whoa, look at you."

Pam smiled, clutching her new bag.

"You like it?"

Ryan grinned getting up.

"I love a lady in purple."

He teased. Smiling, she took her thermos from him before kissing her parents goodbye. Lately they had been awesome with them.

"Bye kids, good luck!"

Smiling, Pam and Ryan walked out to her car.

Of course that morning Michael made them like complete idiots hold up a wrapped hula hoop with a drawn question mark as Michael burst through it. Things were beyond awkward as Ryan sat down behind Pam's old desk and began getting his stuff out of his bag. Pam smiled taking a seat right beside Dwight and Jim.

Jim stared and said nothing. Eyeing Ryan he smirked.

"Wow, we have a new desk girl awesome."

Pam shot him a look before Ryan just simply smiled trying his hardest to ignore Jim.

"Hey Pam, can you come over here a second…how do you switch the phones to voice mail."

"Sure…"

Pam said, pushing her chair back before going over. Just then Kevin walked over to drop something off at Jim's desk.

"Wow, youngest VP in the company and he can't even switch his phone to voice mail…sad."

Pam heard his and her head shot up like a bullet, glaring at Kevin and Jim snickering, she was about to say something when Ryan's hand rested on hers.

"So you press this button?"

Pam looked down at hi big eyes looking up at her and she slowly smiled.

"Yeah…let me show you."

Jim watched as the two smiled, hunched over beside each other and laughing as Pam showed him the computer. Shaking his head, he went back to Kevin who was making some joke about the "FirED guy"

Believe it not the first day back wasn't as bad as Pam expected. At first mostly everyone acted cold towards her. Phyllis rolled her eyes when Pam got her first sales call and handled it perfectly. In the staff kitchen nobody would talk to her and right away that nervous flutter in her stomach started coming back. Looking through the glass door at Ryan who had his headset and was answering calls she smiled.

Somehow she wasn't bothered…she still had him.

Finally as five approached a few people began warming up to her. Oscar and Toby came over asking if she was staring up the "Finer Things Club." They chatted for a while, mostly asking how crazy was The Michael Scott Paper Company was, and how Charles ended up being sort of a jerk. Merdith then walked in, her 711 Big Gulp in her hand.

"So you're back with Ryan?"

Pam seemed taken off guard but nodded before smiling.

"Yeah."

"Oh, I heard he had been in rehab."

"Yeah but he's clean now. He had a lot going on in New York. We wanted some time apart to get our heads clear. Now we're trying a fresh start back here."

Oscar smiled.

"Well that's great. Glad to see you guys."

Pam smiled.

"Thanks…"

Taking a late lunch, the two sat in the back laughing and filling each other in on their first day. They talked about how weird Michael made things during his welcoming meeting, and who was being nice.

"So how's being a most handsome receptionist treating you?"

Ryan smirked as he ate his string cheese.

"Believe it or not I'm liking it. Lots of down time though. I sent you like seven emails saying how bored I was. Then looked on Ebay for an hour."

Pam smiled before the wave of nausea hit her again. Looking down at her chicken salad made her stomach roll.

"Pam?"

Pam felt her stomach gurgle, right away she felt the urge to throw.

"Hey Pam?"

Ryan snapped his fingers in front of her before Pam pushed the feeling away. Sitting there, trying to stop making the room spin she felt really hot.

"You okay?"

Pam looked at him before quickly nodding.

"Yeah, just got really hot in here…"

"You wanna go outside for some fresh air?"

"No I'm okay. Just give me a second…"

Ryan's hand slid against her forehead.

"You feel clammy. You okay?""

Pam forced a smile.

"Yeah…just been feeling really sick lately. It's weird, first in the morning then in the afternoons."

Ryan smirked before taking a bite out of his cheese stick.

"Maybe you're pregnant."

Pam just stared at him, her eyes scared. Ryan looked up and froze.

Pam didn't know how long the silence went on for before Ryan nervously dropped his eyes. The two really hadn't made love that often simply because Ryan was a little nervous since Pam's parents slept only three doors away.

Pam had been off the pill for a year since when she was separated with him she didn't really see the point.

Ryan cleared his throat.

"Ummm, when was your last period."

Pam took a second trying to think.

"It was…"

Pam reached down into her purse for her planner, taking it out she flipped back on the calendar and began to count with Ryan.

"Second, third…forth…"

Ryan then stopped before raising an eyebrow. Taking the planner from her he then looked at one date and stared at it in deep thought for what seemed like forever. Pam felt scared to death, she didn't know what he was thinking. Finally he set the planner down before licking his lips.

"Say…let's swing by the drug store before we go home."

Pam looked at him, really unable to say anything.

"Ryan…"

Before she could say another word Jim strolled in. Raising his eyebrow he muttered a hello before going to the sofa machine.

An hour later Pam found herself sitting in the driver's seat of her car in the drug store parking-lot. Both really hadn't said anything since they left the office. Ryan pulled into the parking-lot before telling her he would be back in a second.

Waiting, she began to bite her nails.

Just then Ryan opened the passenger door, getting in he had a bag.

"I got you some gum…some magazines, some twix since their your favorite and…"

He held up two pregnancy tests.

Pam burst into tears.

Ryan looked at her.

"Pam what's wrong?"

Pam shook her head over the steering wheel.

"I don't think I can do this again Ryan. I mean this is what started everything…I can't go through it again."

"Hey don't say that…"

Ryan's hand slid over to her shoulder.

Pam shook her head.

"Even if I am I'm just going to lose it! Just like the others!"

Ryan's face seemed heartbroken.

"Pam don't say that…"

"But it's true! Please Ryan I don't wanna take them!"

Ryan put them back in the bag before putting it down near his feet. Reaching over he touched her face.

"Pam you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

Pam sniffled.

"I'm just scared."

Ryan sighed before looking her straight in the eye.

"Pam, whatever happens I'm here for you."

"What happens if I am."

"Then we're having a baby."

Ryan smiled.

Pam shook her head.

"No…I mean what now? We're living at our parents. We just got new jobs sort of. We're still trying to fix ourselves."

Ryan looked down almost ashamed.

"I'm sorry…"

"For what?"

"For fucking everything up. I wanted the best for you…and if this ever did happen I wanted to be able to give you and our baby everything without even thinking. I guess I'm just a washed up closer."

"Ryan you know I don't care about any of that. I'm the happiest I've ever been…just because your with me."

Ryan looked up, trying to smile. His blue eyes sparking at her.

"I'm just thinking…well I guess I'm just scared. We've been through this so many times and we all know how it ended. It's just…"

Pam's words broke off before Ryan reached over, gently wiping her tears away with his thumb.

"Come on, let's go home."

Trying to smile, Pam nodded.

Once they were home, they waited to take the tests as they sat down to dinner with Pam's parents and told them about their first day back. Once they went to bed, Ryan and Pam went to her bedroom and locked the door.

Pam took the two tests before sighing deeply.

"My heart is racing…"

Ryan kissed her hand.

"It's okay. I'm here."

Pam took the first test right in front of him. Ryan nervously sat on the edge of the tub as she did so. Both had done this so many times it seemed like second nature. But somehow…this time it seemed different. Pam put the plastic test on the sink. Dressed in one of Ryan's jerseys and sweats, she stood up rubbing her palms together.

"I feel sick…"

Ryan smiled; he was just as nervous as her.

Both stood there, looking at each other until Ryan uncrossed his arms.

"Okay…moment of truth."

Pam walked over to the sink before looking at the test. Her face blank of emotion.

"It's negative."

Her voice said flat. Looking up at Ryan she saw the utter disappointment in his face. The nervous scared smile right away faded.

"Oh…"

Pam nodded.

"I guess it was for the best…"

Ryan bit his bottom lip, his eyes looking down at the floor.

"Yeah…I guess so."

Pam waited, looking at him and for a split second she thought she saw his eyes well up with tears.

"Ryan?"

She asked raising an eyebrow. Ryan quickly wiped his eyes with his arm. Clearing his throat he looked uncomfortable.

"Yeah?"

"I lied."

Ryan looked up, confused.

"What?"

Pam smiled before holding out the test.

"It's positive."

Ryan blinked.

"What?"

She smiled, her own eyes filling with tears.

"It's positive."

Ryan grabbed the test before looking at it. His eyes huge, he looked at her and laughed.

"Oh my God!"

Right away before she could say anything he grabbed her giving her the tightest hug she ever got.


	19. Chapter 19

"_Ryan!"_

_Ryan was in the bathroom, his shirt slightly up as he injected his insulin into the side of his stomach. Right away he turned and saw Pam lean against the doorway. Underneath her blouse her nine month pregnant perfectly shaped stomach stuck out. Pam looked at him, her eyes scared to death._

"_Ryan he's not moving!"_

_Ryan dropped his needle and it shattered to the ground._

_**Eight months earlier.**_

"Okay, open your eyes!"

Ryan slid his hands off from behind Pam and uncovered her eyes. Pam stood there for a second before opening them and they widened.

"Oh my God!"

Pam and Ryan were standing in a very spaceish condo just ten minutes outside of Scranton. Pam let out an amazed laugh before looking around.

"Oh my God!"

She repeated as she started rushing around to look at everything. Ryan stood proudly with his hands stuffed in his pockets before Pam turned around smiling ear to ear.

"How did you do this?"

Ryan smiled walking over to her.

"Your parents helped, a little more than we paid for the place we had before we left for New York, but it has extra room…which is what we'll need."

Pam smiled as Ryan's hand slid over to her perfectly flat stomach. Nuzzling their faces against each other, before Ryan grinned and kissed her cheek.

"Come on let me show you around."

A few weeks ago both sat down together and decided not to let their parents know until Pam went to her first appointment. Ryan was excited, but really scared.

The night Pam took her pregnancy test, both Ryan and Pam stayed up half the night talking. Both curled up on the bed, they couldn't seem to stop giggling. Afraid that they would wake her parents, Ryan laid there, staring into her eyes before smiling.

"You're so beautiful…"

Pam smiled back at him.

"I'm scared to death."

"I know, we just need to do this one day at a time, remember?"

Pam smiled before hitching in a deep breath.

"So what's next?"

"Well…we'll call your doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment. Who do you go to again?"

"Here? Smithson."

"Right, okay…we'll check everything out and then…"

Pam smiled.

"Tell our parents?"

Ryan looked as though he was deep in thought. Taking a second he rolled over on his back and stared at the ceiling.

"Well…that's up to you."

Pam looked at him, feeling uneasy.

"I don't know. I guess it all depends on what the doctor says. I mean…it's still early."

Ryan glanced over at her. His blue eyes seemed worried.

"Maybe wait…I mean…"

His words broke off and he quickly coughed. Pam saw he was bothered and was fighting back tears.

"I mean…we've had a tough time with the last pregnancies, and I just…"

"We'll wait."

Ryan looked.

"Huh?"

"After my first trimester, then we'll start letting people know."

Ryan looked at her, right away Pam knew what he was thinking. The last three miscarriages hadn't even reached the end of the first trimester.

Ryan looked at her, nodding.

"Okay…"

Pam smiled.

"Ryan, we're starting all over. Let's not waste time worrying…let's be happy."

Ryan shut his eyes before deeply sighing.

"You want this don't you?"

Pam moved in closer to him.

"What?"

He opened his eyes.

"You want this right? I mean Pam if there's any risk I'm going to lose you again I don't think I could handle it."

"Ryan…you're not going to lose me. Look at us. We're together, we're happy. We work together again…we're going to have a baby…"

Ryan tried to smile but she could tell he was worried.

"I mean think, you're going to be a daddy. In eight months we'll have the baby we've wanted for so long. Either a cute little red head, or with big blue eyes!"

Ryan nervously laughed.

"Yeah maybe…"

"Don't keep worrying and thinking something is going to happen. Just think of right now…we're pregnant Ryan. We're pregnant!"

Ryan grinned before taking her hand and squeezed it.

"Okay."

Their first doctor's appointment came and Pam and Ryan were able to take the morning off when they lied to Michael telling him they helping Ryan's mother move some of Ryan's stuff out of her house.

"You scared?"

Ryan looked up, his hands slightly shaking.

"Yeah. Kind of hard dealing with this stuff with a clear head. Reality is pretty terrifying."

Pam smiled.

"I think you're doing great."

Reaching over she rubbed his knee. Ryan softly smiled before the doctor came in. Giving Pam her first ultrasound, the doctor flicked the screen on before opening her gown and revealing her flat stomach.

"Okay this might be cold…"

Pam smiled before the doctor smeared some blue gel on her stomach. Only twice had she done this before. The memories started to slowly come back. Trying to push them away, she tried to relax before the doctor grabbed the paddle and pressed it into her stomach.

"Don't mind the pressure. I just need to check something out…"

The doctor said flicking the light off as he wheeled the screen closer. Ryan nervously shifted in his seat before the doctor looked at them smiling.

"Happy to be back in Scranton?"

Ryan sat there, shifting again.

"Yeah."

"Good, I heard Pam you're in sales now. Way to go."

Pam smiled laying on the table. Her free hand drifted down and found Ryan's. Giving it a squeeze she winked at him. Right away he looked better and more relaxed.

"Thanks."

Just then the doctor nodded and turned the screen towards them.

"If you look closely, there's your baby."

Ryan and Pam squinted and looked. All they saw was a blur on the fuzzy screen.

"Where?"

The doctor smiled before pointing.

"There, see?"

Ryan and Pam exchanged a look before shrugging.

"Can we hear the heartbeat?"

"It's a little early for that. Now let's finish examining you."

Pam and Ryan smiled before the lights were turned back on. Before leaving the doctor sat them down in his office and explained after giving Pam her prenatal vitamins that she had to really be careful. Pam and Ryan looked at each other before Ryan looked very uncomfortable.

"What?"

"Well, after reading your file…you have a history of miscarriages. In fact on both your parts this pregnancy is sort of a miracle. Usually this does happen with couples like you who have such a hard time getting pregnant in the first place. But I need to warn you Pam, these next couple of months you need to take it slow. I don't want to scare you but in all honest truth I don't think your body could go through another miscarriage."

Ryan looked nervous.

"Is Pam's health at risk doctor?"

"No, not at all. I just need to warn you guys. It's going to be a rough next couple of months but I'm sure if you listen and take it easy you'll do fine."

Pam and Ryan looked at each other, both scared.

That feeling faded away once they got their parents together for dinner. The second Pam past on the wine, Ryan and Pam's mother glanced at each other. At first thought it appeared to them that maybe she had given up drinking because Ryan had. But throughout the night when they kept seeing their hands tightly squeezing each other the news didn't come as much as a surprise. Pam at first had worried that maybe they might give them a hard time. Comment on their past history of pregnancies and how because of that they split up in the first place. Ryan announced it and Pam's father broke the tension once he grinned and said how wonderful that was.

Right away everyone began laughing, slapping Ryan on the back and telling Pam how great the news was.

That night as they laid together in bed, they agreed to wait to tell anyone else.

Three weeks had past and both acted perfectly normal at work. They arrived each day in Pam's car, walked hand in hand inside, Ryan would take her coat and he would sit down at his desk and she would sit down at hers. Jim continued to make his comments until finally one day Ryan had enough.

"Jim, mind if we talk outside for a second?"

Jim raised an eyebrow. He had really been a jerk lately.

"Wait…you're not trying to sell me…"

His voice lowered.

"Drugs are you? I mean that might look bad for your community service."

Ryan just stood there, his eyes glaring at him.

"Are you coming or not?"

Jim raised an eyebrow again for the cameras before nodding. Pushing back his chair he followed Ryan outside. Lucky for them, Pam was in the staff kitchen making tea and hadn't seen any of this. Outside near the warehouse, Ryan crossed his arms and looked disgusted.

"Listen man, I don't know what I've done to you. I might have acted like a jerk when I was in New York but that isn't me anymore. Pam and I haven't done anything, we're just trying to get our life's back together. These all remarks and comments are getting to her so it would mean a lot to me if you stopped."

Jim stared at him before laughing.

"Are you serious?"

Ryan just stood there before Jim shook his head.

"You little blond geek. Just because you worked in New York you think you can tell people what to do…"

"Pam's pregnant."

Jim stopped mid sentence.

"What?"

Ryan sighed.

"We didn't want to tell anyone but a lot is going on and the doctor is worried about her blood pressure. I can't even tell you how many nights she's so upset because of these stupid little comments you've made that she can't even drive. Jim please…give us a break. I don't want something so stupid to make her loose the baby…"

Jim just stared at him before saying…

"She's pregnant?"

Ryan nodded.

"It's still early and we're waiting to tell everyone. We just moved into a new place and I'm terrified she's pushing herself too much. She's had three miscarriages back in New York Jim…I don't think she could handle another one."

Jim looked stunned before shaking his head in shame.

"I didn't know she had three…"

Ryan nodded looking down at his feet before rubbing his neck.

"Yeah…"

Jim stood there for a second, hands in his pockets before looking at Ryan. His eyes serious.

"Listen man…I'm sorry. I guess it still hurts. I mean seeing you guys together. She's crazy about you."

Ryan just stared at Jim as he went on.

"I'm sorry…I just want to be her friend again. I guess I'm going about it the wrong way."

Ryan sighed before looking down.

"Listen, could you make sure nobody finds out…"

"Yeah sure."

Ryan looked at Jim with grateful eyes.

"Thanks."

Jim nodded before Ryan went upstairs. There he saw Pam sitting at her desk and finishing a call. Ryan smiled before walking over. Pam looked up smiling.

"Hey you…"

Before she could say anything he learned down and deeply kissed her. His hand going through her hair. Pam's eyes widened as his mouth covered her and he pulled back, slightly out of breath.

Everyone in the office looked just as surprised as Pam. Ryan smiled.

"I love you Pam Howard."

Pam smiled before looking at the phone in her hand. Setting it down she looked up at him. Just then Jim came in, his head down and he silently took his seat not saying a word. At the end of the day as Ryan helped Pam with her coat Jim past them.

"Bye guys, have a good weekend."

Pam seemed caught off guard. She barley waved as she watched Jim leave in amazement.

"Bye…Jim…"

Eyeing Ryan who shrugged, Pam smiled before heading downstairs with him.

Now here they stood together in their new home. Pam smiled before turning towards Ryan. One of the bedrooms had a nice view of the small courtyard below. Sunlight streamed in.

"Reminds me of our first place in New York."

Ryan made a face.

"What that little shoebox?"

Pam smiled resting her head on his shoulder.

"I liked that little shoebox."

Just then Ryan reached into his pocket and dug out what looked to be an inhaler. Pam raised an eyebrow watching him pump it into his mouth for a second.

"Hey what's that…"

Pam took it from her hand and stared at it.

"My lungs took a beating after the drugs. Just clears my pipes whenever I need it."

Pam's brow wrinkled before sighing.

"Your blood sugar and now this. Ryan you're falling apart. Another thing I have to be worried sick about."

Pam teased. Ryan made a face before kissing the top of her head.

"Hey don't worry, it's nothing…anyways I'm supposed to worry about you now."

Pam smiled before they went to look at the living room again.

This was their new home.

Their new home they were going to live in with their baby.

They moved in a week later.

Ryan had his brothers come over who did all the heavy lifting. Pam stood back directing them on where to put everything before Ryan surprised her showing her the third bedroom, which was the smallest.

"Well there's the master bedroom, then the baby's room…I thought this would make a good art studio."

Pam grinned.

"I think it sounds great."

Once they were finally moved in and settled, Pam fell asleep their first night there beside Ryan. Watching him sleep, she reached over and gently touched the side of his sleeping face. Smiling, she shut her eyes and realized she had finally gotten her life back.

Pam's morning sickness was becoming something that was getting harder and harder to cover up. Usually whenever Pam felt sick she would silently push her chair back at work and quickly walk to the kitchen hoping nobody was in the ladies room. In the end of her third trimester she rushed into one of the stalls and began puking when Meredith who was in the next stall flushed and shuffled over.

"You too?"

Pam nearly screamed, before wiping her mouth and looking at her.

"Huh?"

"Long night?"

Meredith motioned towards her Big Gulp before shuffling out. Pam knelt there on the floor for a second before the ladies room door opened again. This time Ryan poked his head in.

"Pam? You alone?"

Pam nodded before flushing and wiping her hands on her skirt.

"Yeah."

Ryan silent came in, his eyes concerned.

"You okay?"

Pam nodded before her stomach rolled again, quickly she went over the toilet and threw. Ryan went over, helping hold her hair back before she spit and flushed again.

"I thought this was just supposed to happen in the morning…"

Ryan smiled.

"Remember what the doctor said. That means your hormones are kicking in. Less chance for…"

His words drifted off and he seemed embarrassed. Pam knew what he meant.

He meant miscarriage.

Both were doing lots of reading and research on pregnancies. So far everything was going fine. Every weekend Pam would either visit or call her mother who had been beyond supportive. She didn't judge Pam and told her that she really hoped things worked out this time.

For Pam she somehow felt like they would.

Pam stood up, smiling before she went over to wash her hands. Ryan stuffed his hands into his pockets before quickly leaving before anyone saw.

When Pam came back she smiled at Ryan who sat behind his desk. The phone rang.

"Dunder Mifflin this is Ryan."

He caught Pam's smile and winked at her. Sitting down, Pam tried to relax and focus on the reports she had to finish for the latest sale she had made.

"Hey Pam?"

Pam looked over at Jim, a little surprised.

"Yeah?"

"I got a date tomorrow night…well sort of a blind date. My brother knows her and we're supposed to be meeting up after work. I guess she's a dog trainer or something…I was wondering, what would your best bet being where I should take her."

Pam couldn't believe it, he was talking to her just like they were old friends. Smiling Pam thought for a second.

"Well…know anything about her?"

"Very little."

"I would say movies but for a blind date that's a huge risk."

"Totally."

"So…would say dinner. Nothing too fancy, very laid back. Afterwards maybe coffee at that cool 50's diner on Westwood. Gives you two a chance to get to know each other."

"Perfect Bees…I mean Howard. Perfect."

Pam smiled as Jim grinned back at her and went back to his work. Dwight meanwhile rolled his eyes.

That night as they drove home, Pam sat in the passenger seat and kept looking down at Ryan. Hiding her giggles, she tried looking away and out the window. Ryan meanwhile sat in the driver's seat. One hand on the wheel as music softly played on the radio.

Pam looked again and this time laughed out loud. Ryan looked over raising an eyebrow.

"What?"

Pam bit down on her lip before smiling.

"Nothing…just…"

Her eyes motioned down at Ryan who looked confused. That's when he looked down at himself and right away he looked completely embarrassed. Looking to the side out his window he shifted how he was sitting and used his free hand to rub the back of his neck.

"Jesus…"

Ryan had a huge erection, showing very boldly in his black dress slacks. Pam giggled again before looking over.

"Had that sporting when we left?"

Ryan shot her a look trying to keep his eyes on the road.

"No."

"You're lucky, if Michael would have seen it that would have been the end."

Ryan tried to keep a straight face before he burst out laughing. Pam laughed with him all the way to the condo. Once he parked Pam's hand reached over and grabbed him. Ryan jumped.

"Whoa!"

Pam made a sexy smile as she leaned in closer.

"Why don't we go upstairs and take care of that…"

Ryan nervously laughed before shaking his head.

"I'm kind of tired…"

"Really? Doesn't feel like it."

Ryan laughed again before jumping slightly as Pam gave him a dull squeeze. She could tell he was sweating.

"Come on Ryan, it's been weeks…"

Ryan looked at her, slightly out of breath before shaking his head.

"Come on Pam, I don't want anything to happen…you just finished your first trimester. Anything can still happen…"

Pam made a face.

"You're not serious are you? Come on Ryan don't flatter yourself you're not that big."

Ryan gave a very embarrassed laugh as Pam smiled, beginning to kiss him down his neck. Ryan looked at her, extremely uncomfortable.

"Pam…listen…"

Pam looked up, still smiling.

"It's just…we kept having sex during your other pregnancies. I'm not saying that had anything to do with it…I just think we should remember about what your doctor said. You need to take it easy."

Pam rolled her eyes.

"Ryan I'm full of hormones right now and your telling me we can't make love."

"Of course we can…I just think maybe we should wait a little longer."

Pam pulled on Ryan's collar before whispering in his ear.

"You have one minute to get your ass upstairs and undressed. If not your going to have a very unhappy pregnant woman on your hands."

Ryan smiled at her.

That night, as Ryan and Pam laid naked together in the darkness of their bedroom, Pam smiled before looking over.

"See? Told you it would make you feel better?"

Ryan smiled, still out of breath. Reaching over on his nightstand he grabbed his inhaler.

"Yeah I guess so. How do you feel?"

Pam lazily smiled before rolling over on her side and reaching over before rubbing his chest.

"I feel pretty darn great."

Ryan laughed before looking at her stomach.

She still wasn't really showing yet.

That night they both fell asleep, wondering if the baby would be a boy or a girl?

When Pam was in her sixth month her baggy blouses weren't cutting it anymore. Finally she decided to break the news. By then all the appointments were going great and the last time they went to the doctor's they were able to hear their baby's heartbeat.

"Would you like to learn the baby's sex?"

Ryan and Pam looked at each other before smiling with excitement.

"Yeah."

Pam said as the doctor moved the paddle across her stomach. Staring at the screen, the doctor smiled before showing them.

"Looks like you two are having a baby boy."

Pam gasped, a huge smile across her face. Ryan's eyes widened.

"A boy…she's having a boy?"

The doctor smiled pointing to the screen.

"Yep, your having a son Mr. Howard."

"A son…"

Ryan whispered, his eyes slightly glassy from tears. Smiling, he laughed before staring at the screen in amazement.

That day when they came back home Ryan wrapped his arms tightly around Pam's waist before kissing and lifting her off the floor. Laughing, Pam felt ticklish. Ryan then went down on his knees and pressed his ear against her stomach.

"Ryan?"

"Shhhh, I'm listening."

Pam laughed before Ryan looked up at her again, a cute smile showing.

"You know, father son stuff."

Pam laughed, she had never seen Ryan so proud before in his life. The entire day he kept staring at the sonogram photo, looking at it and lifting it up to the light.

Pam watched, amused.

She slowly started to show, soon she even felt tiny little movements and kicked. Ryan lit up whenever she yelled for him saying the baby was moving. Ryan nearly knocked himself down before racing over and feeling. Each time the baby moved he would laugh and press his hands against her stomach laughing.

Most nights he would lay awake for hours just touching her stomach and feeling for any movement.

He would talk to her stomach, sounding extremely cute as began speaking baby top and kissing her. He would make sure she wasn't lifting anything, and always got her anything she craved. At night as Pam sat back on the sofa having a bowel of ice cream, Ryan would watch TV while rubbing her feet and making her laugh.

Pam was the happiest she had ever been.

Finally they decided to go to Toby and break the news.

"You're pregnant?"

Toby asked. Ryan and Pam sat together, holding hands and smiling.

"Wow that's wonderful…"

Toby said in his flat voice. Seconds later Kelly's head showed over the divider.

"Oh…my…GOD!'

Pam and Ryan quickly looked up.

"Oh no…"

Ryan softly said as Kelly came rushing over.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST GETTING FAT!"

Kelly began hugging Pam as tight as she could as Ryan sat back with wide eyes.

Minutes later Michael walked in through the staff kitchen, stopping dead in his tracks she saw the scene Kelly was making. Toby rolled his eyes.

"Hey, what's going on back here? Sounds like somebody is getting murdered."

"PAM'S PREGNANT!"

Kelly squealed. Right away a very uneasy Pam and Ryan slowly turned in their chairs.

Michael froze.

He stared at them.

"You're pregnant?"

Pam nervously nodded.

"Yep."

"Just find out?"

Ryan and Pam eyed each other before Pam shifted and looked uncomfortable.

"Ummm, actually Michael…I'm six months."

"You're what?"

Michael looked completely calm but couldn't stop giving Ryan and Pam a very creepy stare.

"Michael, we were going to tell you but we wanted to make sure everything was okay before we broke the news…"

Ryan eyed Pam knowing it wasn't working.

"We haven't even told our parents yet. Your really the first to know."

Michael's eyes lit up before his smile dropped.

"Wait…Toby knew before me…"

Ryan and Pam looked at each other before Ryan cleared his throat.

"We were telling him we wanted to tell you first."

Michael's smile appeared again before he put his hands on his hips.

"Wow…this is amazing…wow."

He walked over, tears in his eyes.

"I can't believe it. The hottest in the office are starting a family…"

Ryan and Pam looked at each other and smiled. Michael then grinned.

"If I'm doing my math right…you knocked Pam up when you guys were working at my paper business huh?"

Ryan and Pam looked uncomfortable before Toby shook his head.

"Michael that's…"

"Hey Toby shut up. Say? Was it on my desk or the poker table? I bet it was on the poker table."

Ryan gulped.

News spread fast that day and everyone greeted them with congratulations. Jim even shook Ryan's hand smiling before looking at Pam.

"That's great Pam. I really mean that."

Pam smiled looking at him.

"Thanks Jim."

Dwight then attempted to lift up Pam's shirt.

"Whoa!"

Ryan said as Pam jumped back.

"What are you doing?!

Dwight made a face.

"Just trying to feel the fetus kicking."

Ryan shot Dwight a look before Jim smiled at Pam from across the room.

Pam enjoyed being pregnant. This wasn't like before…this was her new life. Every day that past, she would dream about what it would be like holding her baby. Every time she looked at Ryan, she thought back on their life together and couldn't wait to have his son. A part of her and a part of him. Something they made which she knew would be perfect.

Ryan surprised Pam one afternoon after going shopping with her mother with painting the spare bedroom completely blue. Pam was in charge of doing the border and hand painted tiny little elephants.

Pam's stomach began to grow and her back ached. Her cravings became more odd and the latest thing was yogurt covered raisins. Pam started crying at the drop of a hat, her mood swings would come and go and the bigger she got the more uncomfortable she felt.

Ryan loved feeling the baby kick and seeing Pam sketch in the spare room, softly humming and rubbing her stomach. Some nights they would just lay together talking, kissing, and staring at each other.

They were scared, but thrilled to soon be parents.

The latest ultrasound Ryan brought in the printout and showed it off to everyone at the office. Michael asked if he could have a copy, and Kevin looked at it upside down. Later on Pam smiled seeing Ryan had put it beside the framed photo of her behind his desk.

One night both sat at the kitchen table having dinner. They began to throw around names. They were saying random ones that they liked before Ryan shrugged and took a sip of his water.

"How about Jeffrey?"

Pam's eyes lit up.

"Jeffrey…Jeffery Howard."

She smiled.

"I love it."

Ryan looked over.

"Really?"

Pam rubbed her stomach, feeling the baby slightly move and shift inside her.

"Yeah…Jeffery Howard. That sounds perfect."

Ryan grinned.

Pam was planning on going on maternity leave in a few more weeks. They were just starting to get stuff for the nursery and Pam had gained so much weight she didn't think she could fit behind her desk that much longer.

Just a week before hand they had their baby shower at the office. Phyllis and Angela both helped out. Pam couldn't believe how much work they had put into it. Bringing her in, Pam sat down with her huge stomach looking like a beach ball underneath her baby blue blouse.

Ryan and her sat together as Michael made a scene, crying and making a speech about life. Everyone gave really sweet gifts and Jim surprised them with a beautiful wicker basinet. Michael got them a video I-pod.

That night Ryan and Pam set everything up. Standing back it all seemed perfect. In just another month their baby would be here. Ryan held her stomach and the baby began kicking up a storm.

Now one week later, Pam's last few days of work before going on maternity leave, she stood in the bedroom getting dressed as Ryan was giving himself his morning insulin.

The night before, both were laying on the sofa watching TV. Pam was laying against Ryan as he was joking about whenever or not if Pam should have natural childbirth. Laughing, Pam laid back before Ryan put his hands on her stomach.

"One kick or yes, two kicks for no."

Nothing.

Pam yawned.

"He's sleeping…"

Ryan smiled before going back to watching TV. Right before bed Ryan brought her a glass of juice. Pam shook her head.

"No I'm fine."

Ryan held out the juice.

"No come on, drink it."

Shrugging, Pam took it and drank half the glass before smiling.

"I'm going to be up all night going to the bathroom now."

Ryan felt her stomach, his eyes in deep thought. Pam saw this.

"What is it?"

Ryan blinked before shaking his head.

"Nothing, come on let's go to bed."

Pam smiled as they headed towards the bedroom. Waking up, Ryan went straight to the bathroom while Pam dressed. Here she noticed the baby wasn't kicking. Usualy he kicked up a storm when she first woke up.

Pam felt again.

Nothing.

That's when panic leaped into her heart and she ran into the bathroom for Ryan.

"Ryan he's not moving!"

Ryan dropped his syringe and the sound of broken glass filled their ears.


	20. Chapter 20

"_**Okay let's take a look…"**_

_**Pam sat up on the hospital bed while Ryan still in his T-shirt and sweats stood nervously beside her. Her doctor, who Ryan called in complete panic an hour ago told them to meet him at the hospital since he was making his rounds there. The entire ride there Ryan pushed ninety, running red lights and looking scared to death. Pam sat with her lead lowered, her hands plastered on her stomach trying to feel for any movement at all.**_

"_**Ryan there's nothing, see?"**_

_**Ryan took his hand off the wheel as he raced down the highway and felt her stomach. Usually the baby would kick up a storm, Ryan had been joking the last couple of weeks about Jeffery being a future soccer player. Now there was nothing.**_

_**Ryan tried to focus on not crashing the car. Nearly pulling up on the curb, he helped Pam out and rushed her into the lobby. **_

"_**My wife…she's…"**_

_**Before he could say anything else Pam's doctor came out.**_

_**Now here they were. **_

_**Taking an **__**ultrasound, both nervously watched the screen as the doctor sat moving the paddled across Pam's huge stomach. Once the screen the lit up, the doctor leaned forward.**_

"_**Okay…**_

_**Pam bit down on her bottom lip, she never felt so scared before in her life. The last couple of months had been the happiest of her life. She knew if something had happened to their baby that more than likely this would be the last time they would ever try again to be parents. Thinking of all those times seeing her baby movie on the screen, or having Ryan feel her stomach and having it kick inside of her she kept hoping so badly that there wouldn't be any more bad luck. Ryan and her had their share all ready.**_

_**Thinking of the miscarriages and the heartache both had agreed this baby was a complete accident. That they loved each other too much to try and pretend a baby could fix things. This had been the source of them falling apart in the first place. Thinking of holding her baby and then how that late night at the Michael Scott Paper Company had changed so many things…she wondered if they could take it if the doctor told them the baby had died.**_

_**This wouldn't be like any miscarriage…this was their son.**_

_**Pam's eyes filled with tears as Ryan squeezed her hand.**_

"_**Is it dead?"**_

_**The doctor looked at them before shaking his head.**_

"_**No, of course not…look."**_

_**He flipped a switch and the baby's heartbeat filled the room. Right away Ryan felt out the biggest sigh of relief she thought he might pass out. Pam began crying out loud before Ryan quickly dug into his pocket and grabbed his inhaler. The doctor grinned before looking at the screen closely and turned his stool.**_

"_**In fact, your starting to go into la"Webor Pam."**_

_**Pam and Ryan froze.**_

"_**What?"**_

"_**The baby is completely developed, and it's all ready getting into position. Has your back been aching?"**_

_**Pam quickly nodded wiped her eyes before nodding.**_

"_**Yeah a little bit."**_

"_**Well if you and your husband want, we can induce you so you can deliver by eight tonight telling by how the baby is positioned. I'll give you a few minutes to think it over. If not I give it a few days at the most…don't worry, your baby is perfectly fine."**_

_**The doctor smiled as Ryan and Pam thanked him. After he left the two didn't say a word. Finally Ryan turned towards her, tears in his eyes.**_

"_**Okay…are you ready?"**_

_**Pam sniffled in, she never thought she had been so relieved before in her entire life. Rubbing her stomach she smiled, her heart pounding.**_

"_**We need to call our parents."**_

_**Ryan grinned before leaning over and kissing her.**_

**Four hours later**

"_**And push Pam push!"**_

_**Pam sat up in the hospital bed. Dressed in a paper gown and her beautiful red hair tied back she snapped her eyes shut as sweat rolled down her face. Ryan who was in scrubs stood beside the doctor helping hold back one of her legs. Two other nurses were in there soothing Pam and cheering her on.**_

_**Ryan nervously eyed Pam's monitor, his big blue eyes watching.**_

_**Pam's entire lower half was numb but she had never felt so much pain before in her life. Kicking herself for going natural, she couldn't believe how she felt as though she was being torn apart. Crying, she wanted her mother.**_

"_**Okay hold on!"**_

_**The doctor said on the other end of the bed, looking up before feeling her stomach.**_

"_**Just a few more pushes and you're all set."**_

_**Pam tried to take deep breaths as one of the nurses rubbed her arm. Looking down at Ryan who watched the doctor she wanted to hold his hand so badly. Thinking of the first time he ever walked into the office, his rain trench on and his thick black hair falling into his perfectly smooth and clear face. How he came over as she sat behind her neck and then how Michael had burst out from his office shaking his arm off.**_

_**She then thought back at them on the poker table at the Michael Scott Paper Company. She couldn't believe just a few minutes of not thinking clearly resulted in this. After all the years of trying and pain they were finally going to be parents. Pam felt scared to death and didn't think she could take the pain much longer.**_

"_**Ryan!"**_

_**She cried. **_

_**Ryan looked at her, holding her leg.**_

"_**It's okay baby, you're doing fine."**_

_**The doctor wheeled in closer.**_

"_**Okay Pam if you listen to me and you do two more big pushes your baby will be here okay?"**_

_**Pam didn't feel like sitting up again but one of the nurses helped her. Trying to keep her eyes on Ryan she nodded.**_

"_**Okay bare down and push!"**_

_**Pam snapped her eyes shut, screaming out.**_

"_**A little bit longer…I can see the head…"**_

_**Pam took a deep breath.**_

"_**I can't!"**_

"_**Come on one more! Push Pam!"**_

_**Pam tried again, squeezing the nurse's hand as she used the last of her strength. Finally the oddest feeling left her and she felt as though somebody had just yanked all her guts out. A dull throbbing followed and then…**_

_**Crying.**_

_**Pam fell back against one of the nurses as she watched Ryan's eyes get huge. The doctor laughed holding up the crying and wiggling baby.**_

"_**Here's your son!"**_

_**Pam laid there, unable to breath. The doctor laughed holding the baby up for her to see and she saw the amazement in Ryan's eyes.**_

_**That was their son.**_

_**The one they had been waiting for.**_

**One hour later**

_**Pam laid propped up in the hospital bed downstairs holding her newborn baby who was wrapped up in a blue blanket. Ryan who looked exhausted and wired at the same time sat beside her. His eyes so filled with love as he kept looking down at their son and gently brushed the thin black hair he all ready had.**_

_**Pam couldn't believe how in love she was just now. The instincts her mother had explained had in fact kicked in. She wanted to cry, and keep thanking God for letting this happen for Ryan and her. **_

_**The wait had been worth it.**_

_**The baby was a little over six pounds and completely perfect. Pam didn't want to stop holding him.**_

_**Pam's parents were downstairs in the lobby making phone calls with Ryan's mother and his two brothers. They had just been up and couldn't stop telling Pam what a great job she had done. Pam's father and Ryan's brothers kept patting Ryan on the back as he smiled ear to ear. **_

_**Pam's mother had kissed Pam telling her she was going to make an amazing mother.**_

_**Now it was just them.**_

"_**He's so perfect Ryan…"**_

"_**I know."**_

"_**Do you want to hold him?"**_

_**Ryan looked nervous. He didn't hold Jeffery in the delivery room since he claimed his hands were shaking too badly.**_

"_**Come on, you're not going to break him."**_

_**Ryan smiled as Pam slowly shifted the baby over to him. Jeffery thinly cried and Ryan looked at Pam scared to death.**_

"_**What did I do?"**_

_**Pam smiled, she was exhausted.**_

"_**Nothing, babies cry."**_

"_**Oh…yeah right."**_

_**Ryan said looking down at the baby. Holding him he smiled, his arms tightly around the tiny little bundle.**_

"_**Hey there Jeffery…I'm your daddy."**_

_**Pam's heart swelled seeing him hold their baby. Ryan then leaned over and gently kissed the baby's head. Right away Pam laid back feeling like the luckiest woman in the world.**_

**One week later**

"_**Attention everyone. I would like you all to meet for the first time Jeffery Salem Michael Howard."**_

_**Michael said grinning as he held up the car seat with the sleeping baby inside. Pam and Ryan stood behind him eyeing each other. They had humored Michael and made his middle name Michael. This gave Ryan and Pam six paid weeks' vacation. **_

_**Everyone in the office approached, smiling and looking down.**_

"_**Jeffery Salem, that's really pretty."**_

_**Kelly said, awing over the sleeping newborn.**_

"_**Yeah we thought Salem would be nice since we got married on Halloween."**_

_**Pam said. In the background Angela rolled her eyes before giving the baby a slight nod.**_

"_**Salem, a town in which people claimed to be possessed by the devil. Real nice guys."**_

_**Ryan and Pam looked at each other. Michael showed off the baby like a proud uncle…or at least as close as an uncle could get. Phyllis smiled, looking down into the car seat. Jeffery was fast asleep, dressed in a black velvet onesy and a tiny black newsboy cap on. The baby was all ready chubby and didn't seem bothered by any of the noise Michael was making.**_

_**That day everyone sat down to coffee and cake as Michael continued to gush over how cute Jeffery was and how he would grow up to be just like his father…hottest in the office.**_

_**Pam was still on leave and Ryan was staying home helping out. The first night back home had been scary. Pam was still exhausted by the delivery and for three hours straight Jeffery didn't seem to want to stop crying. Pacing back and forth trying to sooth him, the two of them smiled at each other with tired and darkened eyes. Before dawn when the baby finally got to sleep both found themselves sitting on the sofa in the living room with Jeffery sleeping in Pam's arms.**_

_**The next day Ryan made the mistake of waking Jeffery when he was sleeping. Spending half of the day just standing in the nursery, Ryan told Pam he couldn't help it. He thought the baby wasn't breathing and got scared. This caused what seemed like a five hour fit of nonstop crying. It got so bad Pam was this close to calling the doctor's before she called her mom.**_

"_**Honey you have to remember never to wake a sleeping baby."**_

"_**I know mom, it's just Ryan was scared he wasn't breathing…"**_

_**Pam heard her mother chuckle on the other line.**_

"_**He's too cute. Tell him not to worry, his baby is just fine."**_

_**Pam's mother came over later that afternoon to help the two and was finally able to get Jeffery to drift off and take his feeding even though he had been fussy.**_

_**Pam looked at her mom completely exhausted.**_

"_**We're doing horrible…can you move in?"**_

_**Pam's mother laughed.**_

"_**You guys are doing great. Now let me sit with him, you two get some sleep."**_

_**Ryan and Pam collapsed the second they hit the bed.**_

_**Ryan loved holding Jeffery, in fact the entire first week he loved just holding him and kissing his head whenever he was walking around the condo. Pam was amused and even had to remind him that Jeffery needed his rest and had to lay in his crib sometimes. She was tickled by how much Ryan loved his baby.**_

_**Jeffery began spitting up a lot the day before and Ryan and Pam attempted his first bath only to have Jeffery turn bright red and begin to scream. Both stared at each other scared to death before calling Pam's mother. She told them not to worry, that to just get the baby used to the water and he would settle down. That afternoon Pam and Ryan stood by the kitchen sink in jeans and soaking wet T-shirts as they laughed and gave their baby his first bath.**_

_**Jeffery's hair was all ready coming in thick and had great big blue eyes. Pam was thrilled…he looked just like Ryan.**_

_**Now as everyone from the office ate cake and looked down at the sleeping baby, Jim walked over hands in his pockets before leaning down and looking at him. Pam sat right beside the car seat and was finishing her cake. Ryan was just outside talking and laughing with Toby and Creed.**_

_**Jim smiled.**_

"_**He's cute."**_

_**Pam looked up smiling.**_

"_**Thanks."**_

"_**Lovin the hat. Is that some old fashion Beesly fashion?"**_

_**Pam blushed before nodding.**_

"_**You got me."**_

"_**He's really cute though, you guys did great."**_

_**Pam smiled up at Jim as he smiled back.**_

"_**So how's that girl you're seeing going? What's her name again?"**_

"_**Amy, great. I'll bring her by sometime, you'll like her."**_

_**Pam smiled, knowing things were going back to normal.**_

**7 months later**

_**Pam turned on her webcam and laughed as the image on the screen was Ryan back at their condo holding Jeffery who was dressed in tiny little overalls. The baby giggled looking at the camera and touched the screen.**_

"_**How's he doing?"**_

_**Ryan smiled before blowing a strawberry on Jeffery's stomach making him giggle.**_

"_**Oh he's doing fine. Just wanted to say hi."**_

_**Pam smiled waving.**_

"_**Hello honey!"**_

_**Dwight rolled his eyes from across the way.**_

_**For the last couple of months Ryan decided to leave his desk job at Dunder Mifflin and stay with Jeffery at home full time. Both Pam and him sat down together trying to figure out if they could afford this and things seemed to work out just fine. The extra ten thousand Ryan had sent Pam through his bank account was now Jeffery's slowly building college fund. Michael told Ryan whenever he wanted to come back the door was always open. Now some new girl named Alice was answering the phones.**_

_**Ryan loved being a stay at home dad and both had agreed it would be better for Jeffery the first few years. Ryan claimed he finally found the one thing he was good at…being a dad.**_

_**Pam was amazed how much he fussed over Jeffery. He was always dressed so nice and cute. Pam's latest hobby had been snapping photos of Jeffery dressed up. Ryan loved playing with him, and often took him to the playground a few miles away.**_

_**Pam saw a light in Ryan's eyes she had never seen.**_

_**They were both happy and had never been so much in love.**_

_**Ryan's blood sugar was getting under control now and Pam saw he was taking better care of himself. One evening when she came home he found him sitting at the kitchen table giving Jeffery his bottle and speaking in adorable baby talk. This made Pam laugh, she never thought she would see the day that Ryan Howard would become a stay at home dad.**_

_**Pam worked her job and often checked in via webcam twice a day usually on her lunch breaks. Their parents helped out a bunch and every Friday was date night for them. They had found a nice healthy balance in Scranton and loved being parents to their baby boy.**_

**One year later**

_**Pam was in the living room one Saturday with Jeffery who had just started getting his balance on his chubby little legs and was watching him move his plastic fire truck slowly back and forth across the hardwood floor. Pam laughed, sitting on the sofa with her sketchpad in her hands. Lately she had been doing more art and Ryan was trying to push her into entering more contests. **_

_**Jeffery's hair was now thick black and his big blue eyes exactly matched Ryan.**_

_**Ryan was pulling on his coat, he was going to help his brother move into his new apartment.**_

"_**Okay so I'll be back around six…"**_

_**Ryan said before leaning over and gently kissing Pam's forehead.**_

"_**Okay we'll be here."**_

_**Ryan went over to Jeffery who was slowly pushing his truck.**_

"_**Okay buddy I'll see you later."**_

_**Right away distress filled Jeffery's big eyes. Ryan ruffled his hair before kissing his head and stood back up. The second he began to move towards the door Jeffery latched onto his leg.**_

"_**Dada! No!"**_

_**Ryan looked like his heart broke as he looked down.**_

"_**Hey buddy it's okay I'll be back."**_

"_**NO!"**_

_**Jeffery said. Just lately his language had really been improving. His first word of course was dada. Pam made jokes that Ryan was the favored parent and would put into a better retirement home when they got older.**_

_**Pam set her sketchpad down and scooped Jeffery up. **_

"_**Just go, he'll get more upset if you stall."**_

_**Ryan quickly kissed her again before kissing Jeffery.**_

"_**Okay bye guys."**_

_**Jeffery began struggling in Pam's arms, fighting to get down.**_

"_**Dada!"**_

_**He began to cry out, reaching his arms out to Ryan. Ryan sighed before waving to Pam and then shut the door. Jeffery began to lose it, kicking Pam his cries got even louder.**_

"_**Dada! I want dada! No!"**_

_**Pam tried to sooth him, rubbing his back.**_

"_**Shhhhh, it's all right."**_

_**Setting Jeffery down he burst into fresh tears. Sighing Pam couldn't help but laugh a little.**_

_**He sure was the apple of Ryan's eye.**_

_**That weekend just as the cooler weather began coming in, Ryan brought Pam and Jeffery out to the park. Jeffery who was dressed in a warm sweater vest and giggled as Ryan threw him up in the air. Pam hooked her arm into his and looked around at all the colorful trees.**_

_**She had finally found it.**_

_**Happiness.**_

_**That night once Jeffery was put to bed. Ryan came back into the bedroom rubbing the back of his neck before changing. Pam sat up watching him, amused and turned on. **_

"_**Hey."**_

_**Ryan looked up as he began to unbutton his shirt.**_

"_**Hey."**_

"_**You know, you're really good with him."**_

_**Ryan smiled.**_

"_**Thanks."**_

"_**He's got you wrapped around his little finger. Spoil him anymore we might have ourselves a problem."**_

_**Ryan laughed.**_

"_**Are you kidding, that kid is getting a sports car when he turns sixteen."**_

_**Pam rolled his eyes as Ryan laughed and began getting into his basketball shorts.**_

_**Just the week before Jim and Amy had gotten married. Pam received a postcard from their honeymoon. She was really glad he had finally found happiness just like her. Now watching her husband get ready for bed she knew she wouldn't trade this life for anything else in the whole world.**_

"_**three more years he'll be going into preschool. Scared?"**_

_**She loved teasing him about that. Ryan gave a look.**_

"_**Don't even start."**_

_**Pam laughed before Ryan jumped into bed, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her cheek.**_

"_**I love you Pam Howard."**_

"_**And I love you Ryan Howard."**_

**Three years later**

_**Pam and Ryan stood together as Jeffery turned to look at them one more time before stepping onto the bus. His black hair cut short he wore his backpack and looked slightly unsure at his parent's worried faces.**_

"_**Bye Jeffery, we'll be here the second you come home."**_

_**Jeffery smiled, his happy go lucky smile before getting onto the bus. Minutes later he pulled away. Pam sighed, feeling a weight lift in her chest. Her baby was really growing up. Looking over she noticed Ryan looking down rubbing his eyes.**_

"_**Are you okay?"**_

_**She asked smiling.**_

_**Ryan cleared his throat, his eyes looking puffy.**_

"_**Yeah…fine."**_

_**Pam rolled her eyes.**_

"_**Jesus Ryan it's just half a day!"**_

_**Ryan shot her a look.**_

"_**Half a day is bad enough. Come on I'll drive you to work."**_

_**Pam couldn't believe how cute he seemed. For the last three years Ryan had stayed home with Jeffery while she worked. She knew this was hard on him since he loved every waking moment he had with Jeffery, who Pam saw was turning out to be a smart, well mannered, playfully little boy.**_

_**Pam kissed his scruffy cheek before wrapping her arms around him and walking to the car.**_

**Six years later**

"_**Happy birthday Jeffery!"**_

_**Everyone clapped as Pam snapped another photo with her camera as Jeffery leaned over the table and blew out the candles. Everyone laughed as parents and their children stood around. Jeffery grinned up at everyone before Ryan began passing out the slices.**_

_**Pam stood beside Amy. Both were seven months pregnant. **_

"_**Hey dad can I go play?"**_

_**He asked, his big blue eyes sparking. Ryan smiled, now with a goatee. **_

"_**Sure sport, don't you want some cake?"**_

"_**Later dad!"**_

_**Jeffery jumped up from the table joining his little friends and going into the back yard where the kids were playing soccer. Michael who looked as though he was having a better time than most of the children patted Ryan on the back and helped him finish passing out the cake. Holly sat a few tables away, their two year old daughter giggling and bouncing on her lap. **_

"_**Man, my back is killing me."**_

"_**Yeah me too."**_

_**Jim walked over, before helping pull out chairs for them.**_

"_**Thanks hon."**_

_**Any said before sitting next to Pam. Both laughed as they looked over the photos from today's party. Ryan walked over, a slice of cake for both of them.**_

"_**Here you are ladies."**_

_**Pam smiled.**_

"_**Thanks, I'm starving."**_

_**Ryan leaned over, kissing her cheek before feeling her stomach.**_

"_**I'm sure you are."**_

_**Jim stood back, his hand on Amy's shoulder as she shoveled in the cake smiling. In the background Michael had joined the soccer game with the rest of the kids.**_

**Eight years later**

"_**Oh my God you guys are being such dorks!"**_

_**Jeffery said rolling his eyes outside of the college campus. Both Ryan and Pam stood together outside of their car trying to hold back from crying. Dakota, their daughter sat in the backseat unaware of any of this going on. Instead she had her headphones on and was bouncing her head back and forth to the music. Her red hair tied back in a ponytail.**_

"_**Shut up Jeffery!"**_

_**Ryan laughed through his tears. Quickly he wiped them with the back of his sleeve and leaned over hugging his handsome teenage son.**_

_**Jeffery was going to college on a soccer scholarship. He now towered over with his parents and his black hair was falling in his eyes. He had been the perfect kid and now he was about to leave home. Pam and Ryan weren't taking it so great.**_

"_**Love you dad."**_

_**Ryan nodded before Pam burst into tears and hugged him tightly.**_

"_**Remember to be safe and call us okay?"**_

_**Jeffery smiled.**_

"_**Okay mom."**_

_**Blowing him a kiss, both watched him join up with his friends and head to their dorms. On the ride home with eyed Dakota in the rearview mirror and sighed.**_

_**Time really did go in the blink of an eye.**_

_**When Dakota turned five, Ryan went back to Dunder Mifflin. By then Jim had left, transferring to Mass with his family and Ryan was hired in his old position ever since David Wallace gave it the okay. It seemed the business was actually pulling through and had doubled their sales over the last ten years. Ryan couldn't be promoted any higher than that but began making sales the first month he was in. Pam had never seen him so proud. **_

_**Pam worked part time at Dunder Mifflin before going back to night school and ended up getting a nice job at Dakota's school as the art teacher. Pam loved being with kids and for once wasn't bored with what she did. Every night she would come home in a great mood and couldn't stop talking about her day.**_

_**After Ryan's mother remarried they moved into her old house which was nice and big for the four of them. There was a great big back yard and swimming pool for the kids. **_

_**Jeffery was a busy teenager. He loved high school and attended every sports event. He was popular and kept making Ryan crack up whenever he complained about his women troubles…which were mostly three different girls fighting for him at once.**_

_**He began dating a nice girl who he took to the prom. Now he was off at college.**_

_**Dakota was a very easy going little princess. She loved art like her mother and had a nice sense of humor for an eight year old.**_

_**Just a year before hand after Rusty past away they bought a new dog Rex.**_

_**Now here they were.**_

A month later, one weekend when Dakota was with friends for the weekend Ryan surprised Pam into driving her into New York. It was October and the trees were beautiful on the drive down. They parked in the city and walked hand in hand enjoying the crisp weather.

Right before dusk Ryan brought her to the park. Both stood on the side of the pathway watching leafs slowly scatter to the ground.

Ryan nuzzled up against his wife as Pam sighed, laying her head against his chest.

They were in the same exact spot they had gotten married.

"We must be crazy to have stayed together this long."

Ryan joked.

Pam smiled watching the sunset.

"Maybe that's why we're so in love, we're both a little crazy."

Ryan laughed, kissing the top of her head as a gentle cool breeze blew by them.

**The end.**

"**Fire and Rain – James Taylor." **


End file.
